When you ask "What's next?"

"What's Next?"

You whisper under you breath.
Knowing that you would be the only one to hear those two little words.
When you get to a point of exasperated questioning.
You just don't know.
How do I fit?
Where is my path?
You inhale, with the weight of the future on your chest.
You exhale all the stress that led up to it.
It sinks in that you don't know.
You just don't know.
And in that moment, the fear of the unknown cripples you.
Your always-planned-out life is so far from where you thought it would be.
Not in a bad way, just not where you expected.
But you mutter those little words into the sky.

"What's Next?"

The chaos is palpable.
Thoughts bounce from one realm to the next.
You asked it into the unknown.
The words leave your lips and fear starts to bubble.
The anxiety hits.
'I don't know what's next,' you think to yourself.
But then you feel it.
You feel the calm of knowing that you are taken care of.
The peace of not knowing, and being okay with that.
With closed eyes.
Hands open to receive whatever is meant to come your way.
Whatever your higher power, the universe, or the winds of change move into your life.
You are ready to accept it.
Because you asked that little powerful question.

"What's Next?"

The fear is still there. The questions haven't disappeared.
But you know.
Next is unknown.
Next is malleable.
You know that in the moments of uncertainty, Next will show it's face.
It will open it's arms and embrace your discomfort.
It will give you safe refuge.
It might not be easy, but it will be worth it.
You realize that giving yourself up so wholly to the universe creates a vulnerability that you have never known.
A vulnerability that is equally terrifying and empowering.

"What's Next?"

Despite the fear, there is comfort.
Comfort in knowing that your open stance will bring to fruition an adventure like none you have ever experienced.
You breathe again.
Deeper.
Stronger.
More powerful.
The crippling fear turns into an elixir of excitement.
You savor the sweet buzz of what could be.
All because you had the courage to ask yourself.

"What's Next?"

Why it kills me to wait for your text.

I sit here looking at my phone every ten minutes. More like every ten seconds. I think to myself, "Maybe my phone accidentally got turned to vibrate. Maybe I just didn't hear the buzz of my text tone. Maybe I just didn't see my phone light up. Oh... It's on full volume. That light was from Instagram."

I have become that girl. The one who is waiting for your text. I have become my countless number of girlfriends whom I have lectured so many times. I'd say to them, "who cares if he texts you, you're bad ass with or without him," or "don't worry, I'm sure he is just trying not to seem clingy." They'd give me ten thousand reasons why he hadn't texted them. I would find some awesomely empowering Pinterest photo with a beautiful back drop and a cute handwritten font that would tell my friend that patience is important, blah, blah, blah.

So I tried doing all of those things to myself. I found a solid Instagram photo. I talked about it all day and got opinions from way too many people, all of which I respect, none of which I listened to. The opinions all went one of two very distinct and very opposite directions; some said that I should totally text him so he knows I'm interested, and the others told me to chill out and wait for him to make the next move. Either way, we're playing into this dating game.

The dating game is a tricky topic. I'm not talking about the 60's TV show where you get to pick a secret contestant based on his silly answers. I'm talking about the world of communication, of asking each other out, of trying to be just interested enough to keep them around, yet not too interested to seem obsessed. Games involve strategy, skill and motivation. All things that no one wants to hear about when dating is involved. A skillful dater sounds like someone who is afraid of commitment; you get the prize and then run to the next competition. A strategic dater sounds like someone who plays all the ladies; he is the ultimate player. A motivated dater sounds like a horny dude, trying to get some action. Regardless of which type of competitor is involved in your game, the point is that you're playing for individual trophies, when in reality, you want your team to win.

So as I sit here, wondering if he's playing some game, keeping myself distracted by building bookshelves and watching my roommate do the 'whip/nae nae' dance thing that I don't even understand, I will take a step back. I'll listen to the advice that I have given so many of my friends...

His loss if he's not interested. Awesomely exciting if he is. Regardless of whether I hear from him or I don't, it is not a direct reflection of me, or how I conducted myself when we hung out. I am funny, I am cool, I am smart, I am not reliant on the little buzz of a cell phone and I do not need any validation from anyone other than the voice inside my head. I am better than that; better than worrying about if you're interested.

Now time to put the phone away and go back to life.

24 thoughts when you turn 24

Last week I turned twenty four. There's nothing exciting about twenty four. No milestones. No ridiculous cards with your number on the front. You're at the point where it's no longer exciting for someone to check your ID. You automatically pull the little plastic card from your wallet because you still look closer to twenty than to forty. It's the beginning of the boring birthday's; the seventeenth birthday of your twenties.

Don't get me wrong, I love birthdays. I'm going to be the woman turning 43 who still has birthday parties. If I make it to the big milestones like 70, 75, 80 years old, you can damn well bet that I'll still be celebrating. Maybe I'll take after my grandma and go skydiving for my 65th birthday. Who knows.

Twenty four, however, is an interesting place to be. You're (usually) past the stupid college years. You are looking at the beginning of your adult life, which for most of us will be the longest stage before the grave. Being someone who loves birthdays so much, I have never really felt a difference between the ages - with the exception of my 21st birthday, which I only remember about eleven months of that year, but that's different. That was until this year. A week after turning twenty four, I have felt a shift, an awareness if you will, that caused me to take stock of where I'm at right now.

1. You're officially in your mid-twenties.
   By this time, you're not a "young adult." You're just a plain ol' adult. You don't get to use the excuses that you could when you were 23, because you've moved into the next age demographic. Say good bye to the days of staying out til 2am on week nights and of financial irresponsibility. You're a real adult now.
2. Everyone and their mom is getting married.
   Seriously. This is the norm now. The race to the ring is ON. This summer I have 6 weddings that I will be attending. And yes, there are more happening that I'm unable to attend. The weddings at this stage aren't even the shot-gun wedding types, these people are actually wanting to spend their lives together. On purpose.
3. Or having kids.
   On purpose. These married friends are having babies. There aren't nearly as many "accidents" at this stage. I heard a friend say the other day that she and her husband were starting to think about 'trying'. My ovaries cringed.
4. You start thinking about whether or not you will want kids.
   When you're surrounded by children, it's inevitable that the thought of having kids will pop through your head. Whether it's a hard pass or baby fever will probably depend on the children you're around, and the parents you're around for that matter. Despite what side of the argument you're on, it's something you begin to genuinely look at.
5. You're old enough to have friends getting divorced.
   That was a trippy moment. Up until this point in my life, the only divorces I saw were parents of friends, and older connections. These people are my age and they are getting divorced. It breaks my heart but it's part of life.
6. You're old enough to realize how much it costs to be an adult.
   Unless you are extremely lucky, you're probably paying for all (or most) of your own life. You pay your rent. You buy your groceries. You have bills. You pay for the visit when you go to the doctor. You don't get free stuff as often as when you were in college. Being an adult is expensive, even if you're a cheap date.
7. You don't like asking for help for fear of being seen as incapable.
   Like I said on #1, you're an actual adult now. Asking for help is hard when you feel like you're supposed to have your shit together. Reality is that you should be able to ask for help at any stage in your life. The ability to ask for help is a wildly undervalued characteristic that shows vulnerability and self-realization. And if you don't ask for help, situations can get immensely harder.
8. Dating has more pressure.
   Because of the insane amount of weddings at this stage in life, people feel pressured to be finding "the one." They feel like they need to be on the same timeline which puts an asinine amount of tension on relationships. I had a friend tell me the other day that she was going to be alone forever because she was single at 25. Bitch, please. Get yourself off of the wedding fever train. Enjoy your partner. And if you don't have a partner, nothing says desperate like assuming every person you meet is a potential husband or wife.
9. You're beginning your career... or still looking to fall into one.
   At twenty four, there's a good chance that you're working one or more jobs, equaling a full-time schedule. If you haven't landed a "big-kid job" that okay, but the reality is that you're probably looking for one. If you have landed one, the reality is that you're probably trying to figure out if this could be something you do for a long time. You're looking long term. Do you want to be a server for the next 40 years? Do you want to be an accountant for the next 40 years? You will spend more time working than any other activity in your life. This is a big thought for 24-year-olds.
10. You start thinking about big purchases.
    A home. A couch. A car. A bedroom set... and no I don't mean lingerie. These big purchases start popping up. Gone are the days where a card-board box houses your extra blankets in the living room. The financial responsibility to provide for yourself (and possibly others) shows up in big ways on your credit card statement.
11. Benefits are a godsend.
    You don't have the crappy student health center of your college years. You get excited to see how much money your benefits covered when you go to visit the doctor. You are more aware of your health and how much your lack of health costs you.
12. A late bedtime is 11:30pm.
    Sure, you'll break this bedtime on occasion. Birthdays, Girls Nights, Man-Dates. But you will FEEL IT the next day. Anything less than 8 hours is definitely less than ideal. A sleep hangover is a real thing and they are rough, especially when you have to work early the next morning. It will leave you wondering, "How did I do this so often in college?!"
13. You start finding your "types."
    Types of friends, types of romantic partners, types of activities you prefer, types of places you like best. At this point in life, you are allowed to be choosy. You've gone to that dance club where you feel totally out of place. You've dated people who didn't work out. You've decided that hiking is your thing and rock climbing isn't. At twenty four, you're allowed to start picking the types that you like, more than the types that you've put up with.
14. You have your first "I feel old" moments.
    The little kids that you babysat are graduating high school. Your favorite song from middle school is on the oldies station. There are kids that don't know who the Spice Girls are and never played with a Tamogachi, let alone know how stressful it was to care for one. I kid you not, listening to the radio a couple days ago, there was a commercial that said, "Justin Timberlake, who started as one of the members N'Sync..." I was like, duh Justin was in N'Sync, but then I realized that there are kids who don't know the goodness of Bye, Bye, Bye...
15. You start to look at quality.
    You might not necessarily make decisions based on quality, but at least you are becoming aware of the fact that the dress you bought from Forever 21 will probably fall apart after three washes. This goes for other things too; friendships, clothing, furniture and so many other things. 
16. The hip new celebrities are younger than you.
    Sam Smith is two years younger than me. I'm ten years older than most Disney stars. Weird. 
17. Can I still pretend I'm a stupid college kid?
    College was hard, but it was a whole different battlefield than adulthood. We got to pretend to be adults, without actually having the true responsibility. Get a bad test grade? That's okay, you can just pass/fail the class. Get to drunk at a party? Skip class the next day! Our pseudo-responsibility was a key step to getting here, but the adult world is far less forgiving. Amazing, and worth it, but you have to work ten times harder. 
18. No matter what tough stuff is going on, there will always be someone from high school that makes you feel better about your life.
    I'm not making money by dressing up as a Disney princess. That is all. 
19. College Loans are worse than the devil.
    Sure, we all know college is expensive but you forget about that until your 6-month grace period is over and you see all those zeros behind the comma and, if you're anything like me, you have an instant panic attack. Paying them back is hard. And we may never finish, but at least we got a great education right? ...
20. You want friendship that are more than just drinking buddies.
    Happy hours are great and going out on a Saturday night is fun, but you know what is even better?! Brunch dates, where you talk about how crazy your coworker is, or how your girlfriend did the most ridiculous thing on her first date last week. People that you can do life with become extremely important. And you can still take shots on occasion. 
21. A night in is just as exciting as a night out.
    Netflix is my boyfriend. We're pretty serious. Plus, on a night in, pants are optional. 
22. I don't know how (insert name here) can still party like that...
    We all have those friends that can still drink a whole fifth in a night. I don't know how they haven't lost their jobs, but after college, we like to call that alcoholism. 
23. "Me-Time" is an actual thing.
    I love my friends. I love my roommate. I love my coworkers. And guess who else I love? Myself. Whether it's lifting at the gym for an hour or sleeping in a bit later, I have been awakened to the idea of self-care. And I love it. 
24. You realize how off you are compared to where you thought you'd be at 24...
    I realized the other day that around this time, five years ago, I had a guy ask me where I wanted to be in five years (while I was on a date). My 19 year old self said that I wanted to be done with school and hopefully in a serious relationship, on my way to getting married around 24-25 years old. I wanted to be successfully involved in a wedding planning career moving towards being a top coordinator. I wanted to be living in downtown Portland, or another big city, and if have a dog. 
    Literally, none of those things are happening in my life at 24. And that's not a bad thing. I am starting in a successful career path with a company that inspires me. I'm single. I don't have a dog. I live in Portland, but not downtown because I'm not stupidly rich. And I'm happier than I have been in a long time. 

Twenty four has been a whirlwind already and it's only been a week. It's exciting and terrifying to be a full-fledged adult, but it's also inspiring, and challenging to be the best darn adult I can be. 

I'm gonna go adult now. 

Did I miss any?! Comment below for any thoughts that come up in your mid-twenties!

I went home alone.

Last night, I left the bar alone.

I said goodnight to my friends and left the bar by myself.

Last night, I went out with a group of friends from college; both men and women, ZERO couples. Do you know how rare that is in a group of 20-somethings? And here's the kicker. There were zero couples AND no one was sleeping together. It was amazing. It was a group of friends going out to have a good time, and dammit, we had a good freakin' time. BUT, I swear it was single's awareness night because the amount of slow songs was off the chart. We all had our eyes peeled for the cutest guy or girl to walk by our little booth in the back of the bar.

I walked myself to my car and got in. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I got interested looks from a couple guys throughout the night, but none of them made an effort to come say hello. I was perfectly fine with that. In my camo t-shirt and shorts, I was not screaming, "pay attention to me!!" from the top of a skyscraper, unlike the girl in the skintight elastic black jeans and a flowy blouse that could better be described as a bra with sleeves. I danced a couple partner dances with some of my guy friends and danced a couple songs with a guy I'd never met. He was cute. He was just learning, so I helped him with a couple songs and then we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. Nothing more, nothing less.

I drove myself home, alone, singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs.

Last night, I watched as couples interacted. You could tell the first dates. You could tell the long-term couples. You could tell the pair standing at the bar railing who had never met before tonight. I love watching these couples, regardless of the stage in their relationship. Some people get really annoyed when they are single and surrounded by couples. I, however, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I love seeing the look in her eyes when he spins her on the dance floor. I love seeing him grin sheepishly when she shimmies his way during a line dance. It's fun to see the relationships as a completely uninvolved third party. Sure, they could have their struggles, but tonight, while they're dancing, or sitting at the bar, or whatever, they're in the moment. Enjoying the company of someone who has caught their eye.

I walked into an empty apartment, all the lights out, and got ready for bed by myself.

Last night, I had multiple instances where thoughts came into my head like, "I kind of wish that was me, so happy with my partner," or "look at how cute they are together," or sometimes, "gross... get a room people." But the truth was that I planned on going home alone. I could have gotten up the balls to approach one of the cute guys standing on the sidelines of the dance floor. I could have pulled out the "Flirty Me" side that exudes coy sarcasm and self-proclaimed quick wit. But I was too busy enjoying my evening. You'd think it would make me sad to see all the slow-dancing couples, paired off in twos, while I sat in a groups of ones. It didn't.

I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I snuggled under my Ikea comforter and counted my blessings for good friendships, lots of laughs and an evening of dancing my heart out. I also counted my blessings that I was home alone. Why? Because I would rather be at home, sprawled out starfish style in my full-sized bed, all by myself, than share my bed with someone who didn't want to be here for the right reasons. Sure, you can find someone to fill the vacant side of your bed. It's not that hard. But when you're lying next to someone who does not truly and deeply care about the side of the bed that you occupy, what's the point?

I left the bar alone, and I will do so until I have someone that makes me want to leave the bar with him by my side.

A letter to ALL of my Exs.

If you're like me, you have a lot of Ex's...

• Ex Roommates
• Ex Best Friends
• Ex Boyfriends/Girlfriends

These ex's are ex's for a reason. And that reason is that something didn't quite work. Maybe it was a small thing, maybe it was just the effects of time, and maybe it was a BIG FREAKIN' DEAL.

Whatever it was, we move on. We find a new roommate (or decide to live alone). We make new friends. We start dating other people. We find people to fill those voids, and maybe they aren't filled entirely, but the placeholders are no longer empty.

Regardless of why they are no longer involved in your life, you learn a lot from the experiences you gain from these people. If you could write a letter to your ex's, what would you say?

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex,

First of all, I want you to know one thing. 

I AM HAPPY. And I am happy because of you. Not in the way you might think, but you are one of the reasons I am happy. You helped me get here and for that, I thank you. I learned a lot from our time together, which in turn, brought me to the woman I have become.

You taught me about conflict. 

Whether it was a conflict about who's turn it was to do the dishes, or about why you wouldn't tell me certain things, I learned what complicated conflict looked like. Sure, the dishes were an easy conflict to resolve, but maybe the dishes weren't the actual issue. Maybe you were frustrated that I didn't invite you to an activity and that pile of plates in the sink was an easy release. Maybe you weren't telling me the entirety of a story because you still couldn't accept the truth of the situation. Regardless of what the conflict was, I learned how to spot it, how to address it (not perfectly by any means), and how to move on from it with a shaky, but respectful heart.

You taught me (and am still learning) how to communicate. 

...through trial and error. Believe it or not, ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. (But wouldn't that be nice?!) Bringing up issues can be really awkward, and I'm still not good at it, even if I'm a Communication major. However, stumbling our way through the uncomfortable chats about your emotionally abusive boyfriend, or about your ex-girlfriend who was threatening to punch me in the face made us stronger at that moment. I still have so much work to do on this topic, but I'm thankful that you helped grow me as a compassionate communicator.

You taught me what I should expect from a partner (be it romantic or platonic). 

There were times when you treated me fabulously. If there hadn't been good times, we would not have been friends/roommates/romantic partners. I loved when we would dance in our PJ's in the front room to OneDirection. I loved that you surprised me by coming to visit me for the weekend, when I thought you were working. I loved that we drove your dad's Mustang on that spring day to go get Frappachino's when the sun finally decided to come out. Those good times helped create my list of requirements when looking for a friend, a boyfriend or a roommate. Even if we ended, the good moments have helped shape what I desire in my relationships.

You taught me how to trust. 

I cried to you. I told you some of my most hidden fears. I leaned on you when I couldn't hold myself up. You supported me in the good times and in the bad. I learned to put stock in another person and that was an incredible lesson to learn. But...

I had to learn how to bounce back from failed trust. 

You hurt me sometimes. Cheating. Gossiping. Rumors. At times in my life, you absolutely broke me. But you know what the amazing part is?! I haven't stopped trusting. Just because you betrayed my friendship, it doesn't mean that I will never trust a friend again! Just because you broke my heart, it doesn't mean that I will never love again. You cannot ruin me. I am stronger than that.

You taught me to trust my intuition. 

You know that time when I found inappropriate photos of another woman on your phone? Yeah, I trusted my intuition and confronted you on that. I knew something was up, and they weren't just old photos of an ex-girlfriend. You know when you stopped texting me when a certain someone was around? I should have listened to my gut at that time, and I learned that my intuition isn't usually making things up. I am learning to trust myself when a situation makes me uncomfortable.

I taught myself how to be alone.

Yep, you heard me. I don't mind sleeping by myself. I get the whole freaking bed! I don't mind showing up to the group activity without my bestie in tow. I don't mind spending a Tuesday night blogging. I learned that I'd rather be in the company of an incredibly strong, creative and hilarious woman (MYSELF, obvs) than be with someone who is constantly belittling me or making me feel inadequate.

You taught me how to stand up for myself. 

When someone tells me that I'm too fat, or that I'm overreacting, or that I shouldn't feel a certain way, I know that I deserve better and you can damn well bet I will stand up for myself. I learned that if anyone is going to put me down, it's my responsibility to bring myself back up.

I learned how to fight graciously. 

We're obviously not close any more. If it wasn't just the ebb and flow of time that brought us to where we are, we probably got in a fight. I have not held myself together perfectly in every fight, but through these issues, I learned how to compose myself in a way that cannot be used to talk ill of me when the fight is over. At times, I didn't really execute the fights in a way that would exemplify said grace, but hindsight has taught me a lot about how to conduct myself and I feel like I have learned how to get in a fight, while trying my best to stay civil. Even when I didn't feel like you deserved civility.

I learned how to love myself.

You broke my heart. You turned friends against me. You took me down. You made stabs that had lasting impact. You said things that I am still trying to forget. But you know what? I love myself. It took work, and it took a lot of faking it, but I got there. It's a constant learning opportunity because some days my pants are too tight, and some days I still feel anger toward you, and some days, I really hope you stub your toe or hit your funny bone (because I would never wish anything serious upon you, but those things are harmless, painful and/or annoying). But on those days where I falter, I still remember how much I've learned and how far I've come. For some stupid cliche analogy, I'm a traveler down the road of life, and I've stopped plenty of places, but I'm having a killer time on this wild adventure.

So thank you. Thank you for screwing me over. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for leaving your bicycle in the middle of the living room. Thank you for pushing me to be stronger, better, more loving, and all around more bad-ass.

Cheers, my dear Ex. 

Life's a bitch, but as the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt says, a bitch is the mother of cute puppies, so that's pretty much a compliment. 

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Best Friend/Ex-Roommate/ Ex-Girlfriend

I guess I can say I'm a Runner now.

I've never liked running...

My legs are short and I'm slow. That's just how I'm built at 5' 1". I don't enjoy being out of breath and sweating is gross. (I really hate sweat, even though I work out a lot. It's so gross and stinky.) My dad, who got it from my grandpa, always says, "We're Buell's. We may be short... but we're slow!" Dad, that is NOT a good thing. And then of course they would both chuckle with how plain and ordinary our gene pool is when it comes to height and speed. That saying makes me roll my eyes WAY too far back.

I've honestly tried liking running. I've gone through multiple phases in my life where I tell myself, "This is the time... you're going to do it and you're going to like it dammit!" People always say that there is this thing called a runner's high. I had never found it. It was more like runners "die" to me. I was constantly exhausted. (And don't even get me started on how hungry I always was after running. I still wonder how runners are so dang skinny when they eat so freaking much.)

But in January, my friend Anna texted me and asked if I would want to do an 8 kilometer run with her in March. I said sure before looking up how many miles an 8k was.... IT'S FIVE MILES?! I can barely even run 2 miles!! How in the hell am I going to run 5 miles?! I started panicking. I figured the only way to keep myself accountable was to buy that darn race entry. $45 later, I was hyperventilating. Anna and I determined that if we ran four out of the five miles, we'd call it a success, so that night we drew up our race training schedules while watching the Golden Globes and started running next day.

Throughout the running, the sweating and the exhaustive breathing, I learned a heck of a lot.


Adrenaline can be your best friend.
Seriously, it's how mothers pull cars off of their babies and how Edward saves Bella in Twilight... oh wait, just kidding, that was just his cover story. But seriously, on the day of the race, I was practically giddy. No I wasn't doing the half-marathon, I was only doing five miles but those were the five miles that would become my PR of distance at this point in my life. I couldn't stop moving. Even when my knees were hurting. Even when I started feeling those blisters forming around mile 2.5 (and let me tell you, that was UNCOMFORTABLE!). I couldn't stop, because the adrenaline was helping push me to the end of that five miles.

Sometimes you need someone to challenge you.
On the days where I didn't want to run, I knew that my running partner had invited me to do this with her. She might not "need" me to run with her, but she was training. She was putting the effort in. She was in this too. I had that accountability to hold on to, even if we weren't running together every day.

You will hit setbacks.
In my case, it was getting rear-ended on my way to work. In the middle of my training schedule, I was told that I wasn't allowed to workout for 2 weeks, and then for 2 weeks after that I was limited to low impact workouts. I started panicking again. "I've only gotten to three and a half miles!! I'm going to lose all of my hard work!" (In case you hadn't figured out, I'm good at panicking...)

But in the end it's up to you.
You can choose to give up, or you can choose to keep moving. I kept walking. That was all I was allowed to do according to my doctor, so I walked. You find ways to keep moving towards your goal, even if it's slowly walking at an incline on a treadmill. You have the power to see a situation in a positive light.

You have people cheering you on. (Even strangers!)
My favorite sign of the whole day was one that said "GO STRANGER, GO!" That was one of the profound moments in the run. People wanted to see you succeed. Even if they don't know you. And sometimes you see people you do know, and they cheer you on, or you cheer them on! The point is that even though there will be haters and jerks, people love seeing success.

You don't have to have the coolest gear, but having the RIGHT gear is important.
Cuz if your stuff looks cool but gives you massive blisters, it sucks. Period.

I underestimate myself.
This is something that I learn time and time again, yet I never quite expect how it will slap me in the face. It's funny because over the last couple years, I have surprised myself so many times through resilience, strength and perseverance. I somehow made it through college with my support system living 2500 miles away. I have managed to keep almost 20 pounds off for a year. I am working toward becoming a Zumba instructor. And yesterday, for the first time, I ran five miles.... and couldn't wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the day.



Anna and I ran the whole five miles, accompanied by her dad and 8,000 other 8k runners (the irony of 8,000 runners running 8,000 meters is not lost on me...). We did it. We didn't even walk the mile that we had originally planned on walking. And guess what's the craziest part? I'm ready to find another race!

I might have run the race slowly, but I ran 5 miles, so I guess you could say I'm a Runner now. And believe it or not, I think I might continue to be a Runner.

The Whole30: Heaven and Hell

If you follow any of my social media platforms, you'll know that I did this crazy thing called the Whole30. I've posted food photos like the ultimate Instagram-Obsessed-White-Girl that I am. I've found recipes and shared them as if it was going out of style. It has been quite the incredible journey. But man was it HARD; a very, very hard incredible journey. There have been ups and downs, cravings, and weird dreams about food. Thankfully though, this Whole30 has taught me SOOO much about my food and my health, but mostly about myself.

So here's how this post is going to look... beware it's a long one. I'm going to tell you what the heck this weirdo dietary plan is, I'm going to tell you about my Whole30 Heavens and Hells, and I will tell you my overall opinion of this insanity.

Here we go...
Many of my friends have asked me a standard progression of questions in regards to the Whole30:

1) What IS the Whole30?

The Whole30 is a RESET button for your body. A button that takes 30 days to push. The program helps with balancing out your whole body by cutting out "all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing."  (See more at: http://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/#sthash.ujsfAjfO.dpuf) The program also helps diminish cravings, helps break mental food addictions, and also helps clear up some pre-existing issues that are related to diet.

SO... What do you cut out?!

• Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial. No maple syrup, honey, agave nectar, coconut sugar, Splenda, Equal, Nutrasweet, xylitol, stevia, etc. Read your labels, because companies sneak sugar into products in ways you might not recognize.
• Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking. (And it should go without saying, but no tobacco products of any sort, either.)
• Do not eat grains. This includes (but is not limited to) wheat, rye, barley, oats, corn, rice, millet, bulgur, sorghum, amaranth, buckwheat, sprouted grains and all of those gluten-free pseudo-grains like quinoa. This also includes all the ways we add wheat, corn and rice into our foods in the form of bran, germ, starch and so on. Again, read your labels.
• Do not eat legumes. This includes beans of all kinds (black, red, pinto, navy, white, kidney, lima, fava, etc.), peas, chickpeas, lentils, and peanuts. No peanut butter, either. This also includes all forms of soy – soy sauce, miso, tofu, tempeh, edamame, and all the ways we sneak soy into foods (like lecithin).
• Do not eat dairy. This includes cow, goat or sheep’s milk products such as cream, cheese (hard or soft), kefir, yogurt (even Greek), and sour cream… with the exception of clarified butter or ghee. (See below for details.)
• Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites. If these ingredients appear in any form on the label of your processed food or beverage, it’s out for the Whole30.
• Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats* with “approved” ingredients. Continuing to eat your old, unhealthy foods made with Whole30 ingredients is totally missing the point, and will tank your results faster than you can say “Paleo Pop-Tarts.” Remember, these are the same foods that got you into health-trouble in the first place—and a pancake is still a pancake, regardless of the ingredients. (See more at: http://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/#sthash.ujsfAjfO.dpuf)

2) Well, what the heck CAN you eat?!

Great question. And at times, when I peered into my fridge, seeing all of my roommate's non-compliant food, I wondered the exact same thing. Basically, it comes down to meats, veggies, eggs, fruit and healthy fats, such as nuts, fruits, oils and seeds. It sounds restrictive. It is restrictive. But it's also amazing to see the foods that you can come up with given those strict guidelines.


3) Why the heck are you doing this?!/You don't need to lose weight/You already work out a lot.

I hesitate to call it a diet, because I feel like the word diet is associated with weight loss. THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF THIS PROGRAM. Typically, a person will lose a little bit of weight while on this program because you are pretty much flushing the system of all the garbage your body has become accustomed to. I did not start this challenge to lose weight. I started this program because I DO workout 5-6 times a week. I started it because I wanted my healthy eating regimen to be a reflection of my newfound healthy gym life. It's pointless to work out like I do and then stuff my body with junk. (And guess what?! You can kind of see my abs now!)


So how was it? Honestly, it was Heaven... and it was Hell.

Because I'm sticking with the No End In Sight positivity philosophy, we'll start with the Hells and end with the Heavens.

WholeHells:
-Meal prep- I am not a good time keeper so my procrastination usually left me throwing together unplanned ingredients into something I could stomach at work the next day. My usual version of meal prep consisted of making extras at dinner so that I had enough to pack for lunch the next day. Sometimes I would forget (read: fairly frequently), so thankfully the KILLER staff of our café at work would hook me up with a great salad or an omelet if I forgot breakfast.

-Working at Freaking Dave's Killer Bread- I work at a bakery. Not only do I work at a bakery, but we are releasing new products. Not only do I work at a bakery where we are releasing new product, but practically everyone here is a baking superstar so there are ALWAYS treats. Let me tell you, over the last 30 days, I turned down carrot cake for the first time in my life. And then for the second time in my life. And then for the third time in my life. Yes... you read that right. There were three separate instances where carrot cake was served and I said no to it each time. ALL IN ONE WEEK. THAT was hard.

-Digestive stuff...- Not gonna elaborate too much on this one but that was something I was not really expecting.

-The "Kill All Things" phase-  This is the term for days 4-6 of the program, where your body is going through full-fledged, real-life withdrawals. I kid you not, our bodies are addicted to sugar and when you cannot have any additional sugar, you'll get headaches and you'll get angered easily. This wasn't fun. Those headaches were like a caffeine headache on crack. No bueno.

WholeHeavens:
-BOMB-ASS FOOD- Yeah, sorry about the language but seriously guys and gals, I ate some darn good food. Amazing spinach omelets. An apple/banana/strawberry skillet (think apple pie filling without the goo). Avocado "pesto" spaghetti squash with steak and potatoes. Are you hungry yet, cuz I definitely could keep going...

-Bye-Bye Eczema!- Yep, it's gone. Need I say more?

-Poof away the Pimples- *Disclaimer* I'm also using doTerra oils!* But the elimination of all these foods did contribute to my face clearing up.

-ENERGY!!- You all know how much I love my coffee. And anything with caffeine really. BWh30 (Before Whole30), I would usually drink a cup of coffee in the morning and then get another coffee or an energy drink before the gym or just after work in general. I haven't really felt the need to do that while on the Wh30. I have had some sleeping issues but I don't think they're related, so when I did get tired, I'd have a cup of black tea in place of coffee or a Red Bull.

-You can see my muscles!- I truly believe that my body has started burning the stored fats since it hasn't had the short-burst sugars to run off of. I feel like my cellulite has gone down (yes I have cellulite, most people do, get over it ya' diva!) and I think that my muscles look more defined! I'll be selling tickets to the gun show in the near future... (Jk... kind of... if you want to give me money for me to flex my arm, I can TOTALLY arrange that...)


So, what was the point?!

Why do something like this if you're not doing it to lose weight or whatever? Let me just tell you what I learned while doing Wh30...

I have INCREDIBLE will power.
This was a huge newsflash to me. I have NEVER been able to turn down sweets, or French fries, or breadsticks. I learned that I AM able to stick to something so strict for 30 days. They say that 21 days is a habit, but honestly I know it will take me a LOT longer to make this something that will provide lasting change.

There is added sugar in EVERYTHING.
Seriously, it was stupid, and eye opening, to see how much sugar is added into things that you would never guess... like Taco Seasoning. Look at your ingredients lists on your food. It'll blow your mind.

I ENJOY being healthy.
I put so much effort into going to the gym, into making healthy decisions and into loving myself the way I am, it just makes sense to put good quality food into my system. I do miss the junk too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think a huge plate of pasta sounded wonderful. But I also think that some zucchini noodles or spaghetti squash with pasta sauce would be WONDERFUL. Wh30 has taught me that there are some great ways to eat delicious foods, and great flavors that can still be obtained with healthy options.

Even YOU can inspire people.
Yes, you have to say that in Smokey the Bear's voice. But in all seriousness, I had no idea that people were paying attention. I think we all forget what kind of reach we have to the people around us. I have had multiple people contact me and tell me about how they are deciding to make healthy changes in their lives, or that they want to get started exercising, or that they went for a run, because they saw one of my posts. I am BEYOND honored to have been able to inspire those around me because I am constantly inspired by those around me. You all have heard me talk about my online health group and they are always posting about their struggles, their wins, and their inspiration. It's truly incredible, guys. You all are encouraging this process for me, for your friends, for your neighbors, even for strangers.


NOW WHAT?!

The 30 days are all done on Sunday! Everyone keeps asking me, "What are you going to have? What will you eat?! Are you going to keep eating like that?" and here is my basic response...

I'm going to have a PB&J sandwich. Why? Because it has sounded good EVERY SINGLE DAY. Also because I look at a sign that says "Rock your PBJ" so I think the company is brainwashing me... and it's working. It's going to be magnificent. However, my first day off of Wh30 is Super Bowl Sunday... I'll have to be careful so it does not become Super Bowel Sunday... (See what I did there?)

They warn you about getting off of Wh30, because your body isn't used to processing those foods any more. It's very easy to get sick on your first couple days back when it comes to reintegrating things. My plan is to go mostly Paleo after having a few snacks that have been banned for a while. (However, I do plan on keeping eggs and coffee in my diet).


Basically, this was hard. It's never going to be easy when it comes to being healthy because, unfortunately, we live in a world where cheap and convenient rule. Thankfully, by doing the Wh30, I learned so much about good nutrition, healthy relationships with food, and overall health. It is so worth the extra effort and I can't wait to see what some of these new changes do over a longer period of time.

Like they say in the book that inspired the Wh30, It Starts With Food...

So... Start.

Thankful for Crap.

It's that time of year.

You see an insane amount of Facebook posts, tweets and instagrams starting with, "I'm thankful for..." or "Day 17 of Thanksgiving" or "Thank you all for _____. #blessed." I am 100% guilty of this, and despite the fact that I didn't do my 'X-amount of Thankful days', I have so much to be thankful for this year.

See, it's easy to list off all the good stuff that I'm thankful for, and the people that have blessed me this year. It's easy to throw out the classics like Family, Friends, a stable job, and the list of cliches that goes on and on.

What we oftentimes forget to appreciate is the Crap that happens in the year. The stuff that makes us really pull our hair out and maybe even cry a little bit. At No End In Sight, we like to spin "The Bad" and see it through a different lens, turning it into "The Good", so that's exactly what I'm going to do.


I'm thankful for:

Having a job that completely BROKE me.
For those of you who are new to No End In Sight, you might not know that I started this blog as a way to keep myself positive in the midst of a perpetually destructive work environment. I had never been treated so poorly in my life. Sure I had the occasional crazy boss, but this workplace was ROUGH! Like, multiple breakdowns crying at my desk. I was ridiculed, degraded, and made to believe that I was stupid on a regular basis. After 2 months, I was already looking for a new job because I was literally depressed from my work. However, I am SO thankful for this job because it led me to a job that I ADORE! Sure, I don't want to wake up in the morning because I love to sleep, but I have never NOT wanted to come to work. I work with people who build me up, who value me and my opinions, who are passionate about their job, and who are literally changing the world. Without that crappy, miserable, destructive job, I would not have found this place that brings me such joy and accomplishment.

Getting my heart broken.
Obviously, this has been a big topic on the blog over the last few months. There is no easy way to handle a breakup, especially when infidelity is involved. However, I am SO thankful for this heartbreak becuase it showed me that I can love deeply, lose it, and come out as a stronger person. For the first time in months, I am genuinely, not-faking-it, happy. I am doing more with my life and meeting new people. I'm exploring. I'm relaxing. I'm building myself up in ways that I didn't think were possible three months ago. Yep, I got hurt. Yep, I got cheated on. Yep, I am the bigger person and I know that my life took a much more positive turn on that Monday afternoon when I got dumped via text at work. Despite that, I win. I'm strong and I win!

Losing some friends.
Losing friends is inevitable. It's crappy, but it's a fact of life. Some friends will stick around for a little while, and some friends will stick around for life. And some won't stick around, period. However, I am SO thankful for this loss of friendship because it reinforces the relationships that are still around, making them stronger than ever. Friendship is the force that has gotten me through this year of difficulty, and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Experiencing financial hardship.
There is nothing more stressful that money. It is hands-down the most difficult aspect of life. I hate the feeling of putting $4.89 in your gas tank and hoping it lasts you til payday. If you've never been there, I salute you. There were a couple of times this year where I could not make it. I had to ask for help, which to me, was failure. I was ashamed and embarrassed to need help, but it was necessary. However, I am SO thankful that struggled with money because through the kindness of loved ones, I was able to get back on my feet. I was able to make ends meet and appreciate the support I had, and will always have, behind me.

Moving. Twice.
Moving is a real bitch. Sorry for the language but it really is. Not only does moving suck, but it's also really, stupidly expensive. You have to pay for the new deposit, you have to pay for the gas of a bajillion trips to and from your new place, and you have to purchase the things that your new place needs. The amount of times I have moved in the last couple years is ridiculous. However, I am SO thankful for moving because I am safe with a roof over my head, in apartment that I LOVE and a roommate I ADORE. The shuffling of stuff is always annoying but hopefully we'll be in this place for a while because I love it.

Realizing my health sucked.
I know I've gone over this a few times lately, but I realized around March that my body was yet another thing bringing me over the edge of the cliff of depression. I was out of shape. I was weak. I was chubby. I was not happy with how I looked, felt or acted in regards to health. I was drinking consistently (not large quanitities, but frequently), eating junk food regularly and the only exercise I got was through walking up the stairs to my apartment, which left me totally winded by the time I got to the third floor. However, I am SO thankful that I was hitting rock bottom with my health because I knew something had to change. Thankfully, I had a positive influence in my life at the time regarding fitness, so I was able to make the necessary decisions to get mysef healthier. Now, 8 months later, I have lost 15 pounds and can actually walk up the stairs without losing my breath. I'm heading to California for Thanksgiving and cannot wait to play with my "nephew" without wanting to double over in loss of breath.


This was probably the hardest year of my life. I take that back. This WAS the hardest year of my life. But 2014 is the year of positive thoughts. I don't think I would have been able to make it through without that mantra, because even when I was struggling to get out of bed because the world was a big fat meany, I knew that good things happen and with a positive outlook, anything is possible. (Cue corny uplifting music!)

So even though this year was hard, and there were many "piles of crap," I am thankful. Thankful that I faced hardship with a smile on my face. Thankful that I  made it through to the other side of those hardships. Thankful for the support behind me.

I guess you could say I was pretty #blessed.

If I could write a letter to me...

Dear 15 year-old Sarah,

You are about to embark on the most awesome life. Seriously. You get to experience some really incredible things. You get to witness love, excitement, loss, and the most incredible laughter. You'll get hugs that repair your heart and hugs that will leave you completely crippled. You'll meet people who will change your life forever. As I'm looking back on the person I was my freshman year of high school from my 23 year old eyes, there are some things that I would want to tell you if I could.


Don't drink pink panty droppers. EVER. You won't remember those nights and you usually don't make very good choices at that point. Anything with that many types of alcohol is a bad idea.

Making out with a stranger WILL happen. (Sorry Mom...) It won't make you feel better about yourself and it tends to make things a bit more awkward later on in life. However, you usually will have friends that save you from your own stupidity.

Put yourself out there. People will judge you. Screw 'em.

Learn to dance ASAP. You'll meet incredible people and it's a fantastic workout. Plus, guys that know how to dance are officially your type because they are sexy as heck. It also helps you gain a whole new level of self confidence that you never knew existed. And guess what?! You're not half bad!!!

Forcing yourself to throw up is never a good idea. Which leads me to the next point.

Take care of your body. You only get one. Skinny is overrated and usually unhealthy. 800 calories a day is stupid. Vomiting is unhealthy and causes so much more BAD than you can imagine at this point. Fueling your body to be fit is the best way to take care of yourself. Don't get me wrong, laziness is great, but like everything, it should be done in moderation. Exercise is one of the best things to combat depression, and you'll face that more than once. Taking care of your body also makes you feel so much better about yourself, physically and mentally. When you are fit, you look hot, and your confidence shows.

Be a dork. It's your thing. You're good at it and it comes easily. Don't fight it. With your sense of humor, you can have fun with most people and when you're being silly, people feel more at ease. Laughter makes any situation better, I promise.

You learn a lot when you start dating. Don't be afraid. Again, you have to put yourself out there. You're going to get shut down, and friend zoned, and blown off, and stood up, but believe it or not, some of those trainwrecks lead you to some great people.

Heart break is literally the worst thing on the planet, (with hangovers pulling at a close second) but also one of the most influential forces of nature. You will be crippled. You will cry more than you thought humanly possible and you will be betrayed, Benedict Arnold style. It will cause you to question everything, yourself and your decisions included. But it will also grow you. You'll find a strength that you never knew existed. You will pick yourself up when you feel like everything on the planet is pulling you down. You'll laugh between the moments of weakness because you are strong and you can't be destroyed. You become a stronger woman, a more compassionate woman, and a smarter woman.

Peach Burnett's is a bad idea. Correction, any sweet alcoholic beverage is a bad idea, but Peach Burnett's is the worst.

It's okay to whole-heartedly love Taylor Swift. Her albums will literally heal you. She's putting all your feels into words. And she does so in an eloquent and rather catchy way. Turn the music up and JAM GIRLFRIEND.

Open your sun roof at every possible chance. Turn your music up loud and be glad that you are blessed to have yet another day on this earth.

You will see loss. It's hard to see those around you lose someone and it's even harder when you lose someone yourself. Hug everyone you love as frequently as possible and don't let anyone go without knowing how you feel about them.

Don't buy the Jetta... actually, you gain some pretty incredible people in your life from that piece of shit, just sell it earlier.

Don't start texting and driving. It's like quitting smoking. Impossible, but worth it.

Exercise is not for someone else, it's for you, and when you finally get the hang of it, you end up gaining so much confidence in yourself. You're pretty strong too when you actually push yourself. And let me tell you, with good diet and exercise, you won't get bulky. Don't be one of those dumb girls that are afraid to lift.

Your gut intuition is probably right. Whether it's about a friend, a situation, your boyfriends "friend" that he made out with three years ago, your gut usually can tell if something's not right. Regardless of how you feel about someone, be the bigger person and ALWAYS treat people with respect. You always want to be the person whom people have nothing bad to say.

NEVER make that comment about the lesbian couple to one of your best friends. It will cost you one of the most genuine friends of your life. This is my only one thing in life that I would change. Literally, the one moment I would go back to and alter.

Friend break-ups are ALMOST as bad as romantic breakups, and sometimes worse. Cherish your friends but know when to let go. Sometimes they'll come back to you and sometimes they won't.

High School is absolutely NOT the best time of your life, so get excited for all of the stages after. Each stage of your life brings even more new and exciting opportunities. Keep your chin up.

You will cry over money more than you will cry over boys. Money sucks. No, you don't need to go out for dinner tonight just because you're lazy. Save that $10 because you WILL need it. However, your appreciation for money will help you in the long run. Be smart but don't be afraid to ask for help. Many people have faced the struggle that you're going through, and you never know when someone will invite you over for dinner (it's one less meal that you have to afford!).

Your relationship with the Lord should always come first because He is always with you and your biggest cheerleader. Followed closely by your mom.

Lorelei Gilmore is always going to be your biggest role model. Also, followed closely by your mom.

The quantity of friends you have does not determine the quality of friends you have, but family dinners are one of the most fun parts of college. A diverse group of friends is a fantastic thing. You have a friend group for when you want to watch Netflix. You have a friend group who will join you at the bars. You have your sports friends, your school friends, and your work friends. Sometimes they'll overlap, sometimes they won't. Embrace the variety of friends but know that they won't all be there when you need them, and that's okay.

Coffee will be one of your best friends. It's like a security blanket and a therapist all in one.

And lastly, Love yourself. Despite the circumstances of life, you are you. As Dr. Seuss said "Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive that is you-er than you!" Stay true to yourself and find out who that is. It takes trial and error. You'll go through phases with your interests and your talents. One thing that you should always keep in the forefront is your positive outlook and your silver-linings perspective. Positivity truly changes your life. So keep smiling, keep shining... Trust me, Bridemaids will be a source of wonderful quoting pleasure in your future.

You're really freaking incredible. Don't forget it.

Love always and always cheering for you,
Older, and slightly wiser, Sarah

I'd love to take the easy way out, but unfortunately I'm an addict.

You know those days that you want to sick on the couch and veg? Well, I've been having a lot of those lately. The reasons vary but the outcome feels the same. I get home from work, sit my booty on the couch and I mope. Sometimes, I grab a blanket and nap for a bit; sometimes, I click on Netflix; sometimes, I just sit there and think (which is EXTREMELY dangerous). Most days, I have about a 40 minute window in this vegetable stage before it sinks in too deeply and all of my productivity is gone.

Thankfully, I've found something that keeps me from hitting the dreary, Oregonian comastose state: The Gym.

If you've been keeping up with my blog, you might know my background when it comes to my body image stuff. I had always considered myself athletic. Sure, I didn't work out frequently in college, but I played sports growing up and I wasn't some weak, little flower that couldn't carry my own boxes while moving (which I did frequently). In reality, I was kidding myself. I was NOT athletic, I was lazy and in denial. I needed a jolt to get me back to my actual athletic self.

Fast forward to Spring of 2014. At the time, I had a boyfriend who enjoyed working out more than anything else in the world, and he taught me a TON about taking care of myself. He never pressured me to change how I looked but I would be lying if I said that my inital workout kick didn't have anything to do with his self-proclaimed passion. He looked like a statue of a greek god and let's just say that I was a little softer than marble. He had no issue with my bodily composition but I did.  When you're surrounded by a buff-macho-man influence, you become even more aware of the fact that you're the girl who didn't quality as skinny but wasn't fat either. As one of my friends recently pointed out, I wasn't fat, I was thick. BUT I ALWAYS FELT FAT. I have had body image issues for a very long time and for the first few months, I was ready to give up every single day. As I've talked about in prior posts, I had tried to lose weight in very unhealthy ways in the past. In my post Learning to Love this Rockin' Bod, I wrote,

I was always so angry that I let my weight determine my self worth, so I started thinking about how I can make the positive changes in my life to not only get healthier physically, but to also get happier with my body from the mental perspective. Throughout this discovery, I still have LOTS of days where I feel defeated. I get really down on myself because, like I said, I'm used to the instant results of unhealthy weight loss. On those days, I make myself find at least two things in the mirror that I like/see improvement. As silly as that sounds, it gets me back to remembering that I am getting stronger.

I'd have to drag myself to the gym, but I knew I was making a good change. I'd literally be whining to myself, shoes on, dressed and laying on the floor, saying, "I don't wannnnaaaaa!" But the little diva voice in my head said, "Actually Bitch, you do!"

Then, after a few months of not seeing any changes, of half-assing it at the gym, of hating the commitment it took, I saw a little change in the mirror. "Hey, is that a muscle?! Oh my gosh, I think I see a muscle!!" Sure it still had a thick layer of fat over the top, but my flicker of hope turned to a little tiny flame. I started wanting to go to the gym, you know why? Because I was starting to get stronger.

Fast forward even farther, the gym was my therapy in a time where all I wanted to do was mope. I cried on the treadmill. I grunted through the free weights. I got angry on the Lat Pull. And most importantly, I laughed in Zumba. I found out that the endorphins I released in my workouts not only distracted me from my moping, but it truly helped me be a happier person during one of the saddest times of my life. It pushed me to a new level of fitness, too. I have now become the gym junkie who feels so guilty when skipping the gym. I go 4-6 days a week instead of 2-3. I get teased at work for having Zumba on one day, spin on another, yoga on Sundays and weights thrown in there when I'm feeling up to it. It's the best thing that could ever warrant mockery.

I also realized that fitness is benefitting EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE. I've made friends in my exercise classes. I want to fuel my body with good food. I want to build my muscle. I want to challenge myself with a Tough Mudder (coming in June thanks to a kick-ass group of people from an online fitness community I was introduced to after writing my first body-conscious post). I've gained a confidence I've never had in regards to my physical appearance, and I am SO MUCH MORE LOVING TO MY BODY. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with loving myself on occasion (not in that way dirty birds!), but in the long run, I remind myself of how far I've come and it fills me with a sense of pride that I'm still getting used to. I have so many more goals to fulfil.

When I started this journey in March, I could have gone back to the old way of doing things. The easy way. The unhealthy way. But this time I didn't. I pushed myself. I continue to push myself. And I'm not done pushing myself. Hopefully, I never will be.

Because now I'm addicted... and I don't want to go to rehab.

I don't miss you, I miss SOMEONE.

I'm okay being single. I don't want to be single forever, but for now I do NOT mind it. I've done some soul searching (insert deep philosophical background music). It had been a while since I had been solo and a lot has changed in my life since last time I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

If you take romantic relationships out of the picture, I have gone through five jobs, three apartments and a few friendships in the last year and a half. (That last sentence makes me look like a shit show, and let's be real, I kind of was... in the most controlled way possible.) I think that constitutes a bit of change. Take out relationship drama and you find a wide-eyed girl who moved her country roots to a big city. I've finally landed a job with an incredible company and I have coworkers that have become "killer friends"... you see what I did there?! That's a LOT of change. Awesome change.

Despite the change in the form of a promotion, an awesome apartment with a great roommate, and the best friends a girl could ask for, I find myself missing my "girlfriend mode." What do I mean? Well, it's pretty simple. I miss being a girlfriend, and that means I miss having a boyfriend. Do I miss the tool I dated? Nope. Not in the slightest. I have learned the hard way that I am so much better off, but it doesn't mean that I LOVE being by myself. Sometimes, I do. A lot of times, I don't.


But here's what I miss.


I miss thinking of fun ways to surprise someone. I miss thinking about how to make their day or cheer them up. I miss thinking about what kind of gifts would make them smile the biggest.

I miss having the best friend who listens and let's you be excited/mad/confused/scared/dorky. Yes, your friends can do this, but there's something comforting about knowing that your significant other will snuggle with you when you're done being a basket case.

I miss date nights. I'm not talking about the "Put your heels on and spend a lot of money on dinner" type of date nights. I'm talking about the "PJ's and takeout with Netflix" date nights. (This one can be altered into a girls night, but usually it involves celebrity gossip, fingernail polish and lots of wine... LOTS of wine). Don't get me wrong, the fancy date nights are very important too. There's something to be said about showing off your arm candy.

I miss the S.... nuggling.

I miss holding hands. When I miss holding hands a lot, I clasp my own hands and pretend to hold my own hand. Just kidding. (You'll never know if I'm actually kidding...)



So yeah... I miss being a girlfriend and I miss the placeholder of a person who is my go-to confidant. But here's the thing: Just because I miss having a person to do all of those things with, it doesn't mean that I'll just start sticking people into the empty space and seeing which random person fits!

I had a friend tell me recently that I shouldn't be looking to date right now, but just look around to have fun. Well, sorry hunny, this isn't college anymore and I am not the type to just fill the blank with some Tom, Dick or Harry. Sure, dating is great. It's fun. It gives you butterflies. But it also takes a LOT of work. It takes emotional investment when done for the right reasons, and let me assure you, I am doing this dating thing for the right reasons. When you invest your heart, you invest a little piece of yourself that is permanently changed. When you start giving all of those parts away to a bunch of different people, you start to lose your identity. You're altering so many of those little pieces, to the point where you are left with random puzzle cutouts that don't fit together. Before you know it, you're too afraid to give those pieces away in fear of an even more mismatched final product, or even worse, you become a person who ALWAYS has to have someone around to make sense of those pieces.

When it comes down to it, I have realized that it's too early for me to give more pieces away to be altered. Again, I am not saying that I miss my old relationship, specifically. I'm thankful for the opportunities I had to give out each and every piece of me, because like I've said in prior posts, it made me who I am today, but I also know that the ones I have left are special. They're precious and fragile, so it's not fair to me, let alone someone else, to give those pieces away at this time.

So no, I don't want to go on a random date to have "a little fun... but not too much fun." I want to let myself fully make peace with the loss of a dear relationship. I want to let the little chunks of Sarah Soul get stronger in their altered identity, and THEN I want to start dating, because, dang it, I rock and someone will be lucky to date me. I make a great girlfriend. I know because I miss that role. 

But until then, I'm going to love being single and re-learn about what a kick-ass human I am.

I am Obsessed.

Being confident is a very hard thing to do.

 

We're  told that confidence is sexy. Confidence is powerful. Confidence gets you places in life.

 

But confidence is really freaking hard, and I'm an extrovert, so that's saying something.

 

We live in a world that is constantly telling you that you're not good enough. It's a world that compares you to everyone else. It's a world with the God-awful tool called photoshop. It compares what you're doing in life to what other people are doing in theirs. We've even come up with an acronym for comparing what we're doing in life to what those those around us are doing: FOMO, or the Fear Of Missing Out. Social media is a huge part of this (one that I take part in every day). You can put a filter on a photo, edit a video, or tag your location so that everyone else knows where you are. It emphasizes how well others are doing, how great someone looks, how successful others are, and if it's the opposite end of the spectrum, it's either pitiful or pathetic.

 

When we're surrounded by so much comparison, I oftentimes feel like what I'm doing isn't ENOUGH. I'm not making enough money to go on really cool trips around the world. I'm not successful enough to be working as a big-timer in a high-power company. I'm not skinny enough to rock that outfit.

 

It always frustrates me when I don't feel good enough, because darnit, I'm doing great things with my life, but there are many instances where I let our world get into my head and I compare myself to people and situations that are so different than mine. We're obsessed with comparisons.

The thing is that we make these comparisons with our eyes closed. We don't know the whole story.

 

Yeah, that girl is skinny enough to pull off those high wasited pants but shes also 8 inches taller than me and has curves in places that I don't. What I don't know is that she also works her butt off at the gym for 2 hours a day and weighs ten pounds more than I do. We'll never look good in the same clothes because we are built differently. Sure, that person goes on trips all over the world, REGULARLY. What I don't know is that she has been saving up for years and her sister-in-law works for a travel agency so she gets the hookup.

 

But this is where I want to change the perspective. I think we shoud start comparing ourselves to someone else...OURSELVES! Start looking at how far you've come in situations and making comparisons by how much growth you have seen. Become obsessed with loving yourself and acknowledging yourself instead of obsessing over others.

 

I found this photo today and it really sunk in...

 

I'm going to challenge you to stop comparing yourself to anyone else. And let me warn you, this is going to be hard. We've been conditioned to make comparisons for our whole lives so this is going to be a game changer.

It's time to love ourselves. Stop looking at your stretchmarks, your acne scars and your love handles. I love when people embrace their unique features. Like for me, I have a scar on my stomach from second grade when I had my appendix removed. I used to get really annoyed with my scar because it made my stomach look like I had an extra roll of fat. I'd make sure that any photos that included my tummy were on the other side. But you know what? Now I am embracing my scar! Since I've gotten on my health kick (working out and making smart food choices), that scar makes me look like I've got a bit more abdominal definition. I'm LOVING that scar.

It's time to turn our perspective. Get comfortable in that skin. It's doing a great job of holding all your organs in. Embrace it baby, cuz you are more than enough. You're a rockstar! We need to become proud of ourselves without being boastful. We can find strength in our own successes. It's time to become Obsessed. Obessed with loving ourselves.

When a Heart Breaks.

“A broken heart will turn into a stronger one within hope.”― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Two weeks is still fresh break up, but let me tell you, I have learned more in the last 2 weeks than I have in a long time. Don't worry. I'm not going to get all sad and mopey on this post. Not intentionally at least.

We all will go through a broken heart at some point and it just plain blows. You realize how many little moments remind you of the person you no longer "get" to think about all day, every day. The radio is an evil torture device. Your clothes are reminders of dates or activities. Restaurants are dangerous memory traps.

Despite the pain that some of these things bring, other things can be brought along with them. Sometimes the hurting brings a sense of release, sometimes the hurting brings a sense of strength, and sometimes the hurting brings a chance to let everything go.

This breakup has sucked so majorly. However crappy it is, though, I have learned these key principles of Broken-Heartedness:


I am allowed to be vulnerable.
I hate being vulnerable. Don't get me wrong, I have always been an emotional person, but being vulnerable is a double edged sword when it comes to being loving. I was recently talking to another friend who is going through a recent and rough breakup, and we talked about how sucky it was to be the one to love so fiercely. Loving hard unfortunately means opening ourselves up for a potentially hard fall. As our conversation went on though, we realized that loving deeply is what makes us who we are, and that we receive so much love from those around us BECAUSE we are able to love hard. That vulnerability is our strength and we can't be afraid to let that love be strong and open.

There is some darn good break-up music out there.
I have two really wonderful women in my life who have made some STRONG break-up mixes. There's just something about belting Beyonce as you fly down the freeway on a sunny morning, thinking to yourself, "Heck ya, Beyonce... What goes around DOES come back around!"

Getting hit on is the most empowering, yet heart-wrenching thing to follow a breakup.

Just days after getting a big fat slice of Dumping Pie, I was somehow convinced to go out to a bar where my ex- and I went whenever we decided to actually get off of Netflix. This could have been a dangerous decision (one that I wouldn't recommend unless you are feeling particularly empowered), but thankfully I had some really wonderful women to encourage me to enjoy myself! At this bar, we quickly found the most Bro-tastic guy I have ever seen, and some how, I caught his eye. I have never been so aggressively hit on in my life, and thankfully my sharp-tongued wit was on point, because I was able to hold my own, in my sassy, classy and smart-assy responses. As I got in my car to leave, alone might I add, I thought to myself, "Oh yeah... I still got it!" It felt wrong and uncomfortable and made me miss the 'absentee' so much, but at the same time, I was able to realize that, eventually, I will be okay with (maybe even look forward to!) someone else flirting with me. It will be okay.

People who you wouldn't expect to be there, are there for you.

I am still amazed at how many people continue to check in on me. Not just to get the drama or the he-said-she-said, but people who genuinely care about my well-being. To those friends who have done so and are reading this, I value you more than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me.

Breakups are crappy for everyone.

I wish I could say that this break-up was a clean one, that when we ended things, all communication stopped. Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. In the grand scheme of things, it has been a good break-up, in the sense that we both love each other so much and truly want the other person to be "okay". No matter what side of the break-up you are on, it's hard. If it's not hard, you didn't/don't truly care for that person, and good thing y'all broke up. 

Little tears are better than big breakdowns.

My mom, God bless her, keeps reminding me that a few little tears here and there are okay. They're normal. They keep you from full blown LOSING IT.

Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I can be stronger than I realize.
When everyone told me I was being so strong, and that I was handling it so well, I wanted to punch them all in the faces, not because of what they said, but because I didn't feel good. I felt like I was going to throw up every fifteen minutes, and I cried more frequently than that. I felt as weak as a blade of grass. But I realized that they were right. I was being strong. I got out of bed every morning. I slapped a smile on my face... sometimes real, and sometimes about as real as Heidi Montag's third set of boobs. I made sure to eat (most of the time), and I took care of myself. That is how I realized that I was being strong. I wasn't doing it for a show, or to get more people to say that I was "doing so well," but I was doing it to make myself well, to make myself strong. Becoming strong is not revenge, it's resilience.

I'm still learning about this breakup. I'm learning that my perspective changes more than I blink and that I am capable of a LARGE range of emotions. But I'm learning. That's what breakups are for in my opinion, to learn about how you handle crap. To have a broken heart is to work on a gigantic puzzle without all of the pieces. Eventually though, you realize your puzzle is just part of the bigger puzzle, and with even more inspiration and determination, and help from another puzzle master, you make a seriously epic piece of work.

I started with a quote, so I will leave you with one that resonates within me as I write. 2014 is the year of positive thoughts, my dears.

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” -- (Unknown)

XoXo. 

How do you stay positive in a break up?

You don't. At least not immediately, but you'll get there eventually, or so they keep telling me.

It caught me pretty off guard. And I'm not okay with it yet.

I am the queen of helping my friends through the tough times. I find solace in being able to care for my "babies" that need me. Call that my maternal instinct or whatever else you want. I love being able to give them the self confidence to make it through a bad breakup, family issues or whatever else the world can throw at them.

When it's my turn, though, I am lost.

I hate pity parties. I hate weakness. I hate moping. I'm not good at it because I hate watching it in other people. I WANT to be the girl who is comfortable letting others take care of her in my time of need. But I'm not comfortable with that. It takes a lot of self discipline on my end to let people sit me down and tell me it's okay to be sad. It takes a lot of self-discipline to let myself be sad. To not say "Shake it off Cowgirl", while bucking up and get over it immediately. Um hello, it hasn't been 24 hours. You CAN be sad, Sarah. It's allowed and it's a good thing (or so they tell me), because it means it was real.

But I don't want it to be real, because real means over. I want it to be a bad dream.

HOWEVER, it's not a bad dream. It's the real deal.

So how do you stay strong? Stay positive? Stay "okay"?

1) You let yourself be sad.
Damn. I'm gonna actually have to give in to the sucky-ness. But like all of my friends and family have said at this point, it's okay to be sad. It's better to be a loving soul that finds heartbreak than to be a cold soul who knows no love. And I agree with that completely. Relationships are beautiful gifts, regardless of how long they last. It's worth the sad if we get to experience the joy.

2) Ask for support.
I suck at this. I essentially moved my entire apartment by myself in 100 degree weather because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by asking them for help. Breakups are only harder when experienced alone. If you think about it, most of the time you're losing your best friend, the one you tell everything, the one who knows you the best (or damn near it). It's the support net that will help you get through the times where you want to tell them about the delicious mexican place you just tried or the crazy customer at work. You need the support of your friends who will tell you, "you're a catch" and mean it with every ounce of their beings.

3) Pray. A lot. And hard.
Pray for him. Pray for you. Pray for strength in your future and pray for thanks in your past. Pray for wisdom and self-confidence. Most importantly, pray for peace. For both of you. Breakups are not easy for either party. Ever. So pray that the other person can find strength and thanks and wisdom and self confidence. Prayer is the most healing thing you can do.

4) Buck up.
This step is only allowed after the completion of the first three phases. This one takes time and a little bit of pain but you cannot be the person who wallows forever. Sure, it's easier to mope, but goodness it sucks. Take your time in this phase; I know it's going to take a long time until I get to this point. But, eventually, I will be there. Eventually, we all make it through the fireswamp.

5) Forgive.
Sometimes this takes years. Sometimes it takes hours. Wherever it lands you, forgiveness is the ultimate release, revenge and restoration. Work hard to achieve that moment where you can be thankful for that person's presence in your life and forgive them for the hurt you felt.

I want to go home and make my family hang out with me until they annoy me to the point of getting over my problems. I want to lay in bed and cry. All day. For a few days. But I will not succumb to the pain. I will take my own advice and I will use it to help me grow. It will not harden me, nor change me, but it will adjust me.

2014 is the year of positive thoughts and I will wake up every morning with a grateful heart knowing that I AM a catch and that I AM a pretty darn fabulous person, dangit. It's going to be immensely hard to stay positive and you're all going to help me stay accountable.

Positive thoughts lead to positive words, positive words lead to positive actions, and positive actions lead to a positive outlook.

Stay positive. XOXO.

KEEP GOING: When LIFE hands you lemons, you make a Lemon Meringue Pie.

There was a point this year where I didn't know that lemons could produce anything sweet. They were sour, and made me make a face that semi-resembled this little guy.

(Image from Pinterest)

But way less cute.


Let me tell you, I had plenty of lemons. I hated my job, the weather was (in true Oregon style) dismal, I didn't feel like I had many friends in this town that I had begun to call home, and my support system was scattered all over the country. It's not like anyone was dying or I was out on the streets or anything, but things weren't all unicorns and rainbows.

At that point, my mantra was hard to believe, and even harder to maintain. But there was a saying that my one of my god-awful volleyball coaches from high school always said; "Fake it til you make it." 

SO THAT'S WHAT I DID. Because there is always a reason to keep going. At the time, I wanted to give up and poop out on this new challenge of being a grownup. I somehow managed to push through. How, you may ask?
 
Well here it goes, Sarah's fool-proof reasons why you NEED keep going:

Life gives you seasons.
There is not a person on this earth who is happy all the time. There is not a person on this earth who has not seen a bad-hair day, or a stubbed toe, or felt like they were all alone... literally or figuratively. We all see the sunny days and we all see the gloomy days. To be as cliche as possible, we wouldn't see the good if we didn't have the bad to compare. Now, sometimes there comes a point where you have a hard time remembering the good, but as the great Albus Dumbledore once said, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Gee, that dude is smart...

You are not a starving child in Africa.
And if you are, I apologize that you're seeing this blog instead of some cool and inspiring thing that the internet could provide. My point here is it could be worse. Just because it could be worse, doesn't mean it doesn't suck. When I had to eat pb&j sandwiches and plain spaghetti noodles with butter for a week because my "full time job" couldn't afford me any food, I was pretty bummed. However, I had SOMETHING to eat. I was not starving. Sure, I was hungry and bummed with my lack of options, but I wasn't starving. It could be worse, so take a moment to be thankful for what you have.

Pity Parties are made for cowards.
There is nothing that I hate more than pity parties. You can ask ANY of my closest friends and family members. I do not tolerate a woe-is-me attitude. Sure, we all need to relinquish defeat to our hard times on occasion, but if you get stuck on it, I'm probably going to slap you into reality and out of your whine sesh. While we're sticking with the Dumbledore quotes, let's view my absolute favorite quote by the genius himself; “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” If you are cowardly and obsessing over how sucky your life is, you're going to lead a sucky life. Time to suck it up, put on your big kid panties and make some changes.

Someone is cheering for you.
It might not feel like it but, even if it's just me, SOMEONE out there wants you to succeed. Maybe it's your mom, or your grandpa, or your little brother, or your second grade teacher, or a stranger you met at work. SOMEONE is rooting for you. If you ever need to hear that someone is cheering you on to keep going, let me know. I will be your support system through the hardest of times, because that's what friends are for.

Somewhere out there is an opportunity of a lifetime.
This one takes a lot of faith and even more persistence. Who knows what it is? It could be taking a trip to Haiti to work at an orphanage. It could be mentoring a group of at-risk individuals. It could be taking a job at a company you have always enjoyed but didn't know what kind of opportunity it would lead to (cough... this one is me... cough). Whatever it is, you have to actively search it out. My dad always says that opportunity is about patience and preparation. You have to be actively preparing for something while patiently waiting to see what kind of options are out there. Whatever it is, keep going... You'll get there.


So, yeah... you've got some lemons... But you've got someone cheering you on; that's the sugar. You've got the bravery to not cave in on pity; that's the egg whites. You've got a lifetime of opportunity; that's the butter. You've got perspective and are thankful for what you DO have; that's the crust.

Yeah, you've got lemons, but without the lemons, you could not create such a beautiful and delicious Lemon Merigue pie (which is a metaphor for life, obviously...).

Because 2014 is the year of positive thoughts, I have been trying to maintain an opimistic outlook throughout the last 7 months, which was a lot easier at times than at others. Many times, I had to fake positivity, only to cry in the shower when I got home. But with all of these steps, I was led to an incredible job, a great sense of belonging, and a new apartment that is one of the home-iest places I've been in a while.

I am not a sad person. I am happy. I am extroverted. I am giggly and silly and sometimes immature. Lemons cannot, and will not, ruin that.

Remember that cute sour-faced baby? Here's another one, after trying a lemon as well, but an entirely different view on life... and lemons.


(Image from Pinterest)