When the pieces ACTUALLY fit together.

Have you ever worked on a puzzle? You sit down, look at all those little pieces and have that little moment of doubt like, "How in the world am I going to make all 1,000 of these little tiny pieces fit into one picture?"

You go to start the puzzle.

In my personal experience, most people start with the edges. They've got a concrete place. A reference point. So you begin by filling in the basic outline. That's the easy part. And then when it comes time to fill in the middle, it gets harder.

You turn the puzzle piece every which way and it doesn't fit. You see a piece that seems like it's supposed to fit. It looks perfect. The shape is the same. The cuts look right. But when you go to place the piece, it's a little bit off. Or it's a lot bit off. And your heart sinks a little bit. It's even worse when you're focused in on a specific missing piece. It seems like you're never going to find the match.

Personally, puzzles drive me bonkers. They take so much time, so much focus, and so much dedication. I make it through the egde of the puzzle and then get bored, or frustrated, or distracted with the chaos of the inside. I think one of the reasons I don't like puzzles is because I'm a worrier.

I'm a worrier. A stress-er. A 'check the plan three times and then check once more before I execute the plan'-er. It's how I was wired and despite my efforts to let things go without a plan, I always develop one by go-time. So if you're anything like me, aka a Control Freak, you like having all of your ducks in a row. When those little quackers wander, or hide in the duck pond, or jump off a cliff, it drives you batty. Like legitimately causing anxiety. Your pieces aren't fitting and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

Do you get to this place in your life where you have the outline set, but the middle gets to you? I do. Often. I get annoyed that I'm finding all the wrong pieces; the ones that aren't fitting. Whether it's the people to spend my time with, the career, the guy to date, the car issues, the financial burdens. There are a LOT of moving pieces in life. Way more than the thousand pieces in a puzzle. Sometimes it seems like all of the pieces will never comes together.

But then when you are about to flip the puzzle table (because everyone devotes the table for a couple days, right?), you find one piece that clicks into place. Someone offers you a place to live. And then another. A friend helps replace some car parts. And then you get a job offer. And people are offering to help you move. And click... and click... and click...

Next thing you know, you have a blob of pieces floating around inside the outline of your puzzle.

When the pieces start falling together, you realize how much you can endure. The life puzzle teaches patience. It teaches you to ask for help. To work together. To stay determined. To look for the next piece. To turn the pieces a couple different ways. And to not give up.

Trust that the pieces will fit together because when they actually start fitting, you get the most beautiful picture.

Uh Oh... Your Humanness is showing.

I have this delusional idea that I am not human.

I’m not talking like Alien, Mutant, Wizard, etc. I’m talking about a perfect human. The one who does not make mistakes. The one who always has her ISH together. Believe it or not, I am not that special, crazy, awesome, perfect human, despite the fact that I hold myself to that standard.

The other day, I was sitting at brunch with a group of my favorite people, talking to a friend who had left her keys at my house the night before. She turned to me and asked for her keys (which I was supposed to bring). I froze. I think my jaw literally dropped. My heart stopped... and then proceeded to speed up ridiculously fast. My palms got sweaty. I began apologizing incessantly. I had forgotten her keys and we were a half an hour away from my apartment. How could I have done something so stupid?! My mind started to freak out; You're a horrible friend; You literally had one thing to remember; You drove all the way out here to bring her the keys. It kept going in my head, criticizing my forgetfulness, but let’s pause for some back story…

You see, I suffer from the desire to appear perfect. I don’t necessarily want to BE perfect (because let’s be honest, that’s impossible and my bedroom will always be an explosion of chaos), but I want others to think I am as close as possible. I would blame social media but it started long before my addiction to Facebook, Instagram and Blogger. In high school, I thoroughly enjoyed being the goody two shoes, the Susie-High-School, and the student body leader. I enjoyed the challenge. My ENFJ personality type thrived on human interaction and helping others, and soon developed into the aspiration of being a role model. You might be thinking, it’s not a bad thing to want to be a good influence, and you’d be right, however, the desire to want to be a ‘perfect role model’ can be an unrealistic expectation to set upon someone, especially yourself!

My idea of perfection wasn’t in straight A’s, or in my appearance or by having a super hot boyfriend, but in the way I helped people. I wanted to be the perfect helper. So I tried to be that perfect helper. I offered to help friends move. I took care of all the girls whose hearts had been broken. I picked up the drunk party-goers from the bar at 2:30am. I gave advice to the friend-zoned guy on the bus. I offered hugs to anyone who needed them. I did these things because I genuinely wanted to help and wanted to give love to those around me. But somehow in the midst of caring for all of my surrounding humans, I felt the pressure rise and lead by example without taking care of myself. I gave help but refused to take help. I wanted to be the strong, independent woman, or human in general, that I was encouraging everyone else to be. I started holding myself to an unrealistic standard of strength and independence.

Hence my need for ‘perfection’.

Now, let’s come back to the brunch story.

As my internal insult attack streamed and my verbal apology mutterings continued, one of the guys at our table turned to me and said something that totally shook me.

"Uh oh... Your humanness is showing." The sarcasm was thick with this one, but the message was loud and clear.

The mental self-attack stopped right away. My mind clicked, almost audibly. Um hello, perspective. Newsflash sweetheart, you’re human. You’re not perfect.

Why do we do this to ourselves?! My instant reaction to belittle myself for a simple honest mistake was something familiar to me. What wasn't normal was the reality check of a simple sarcastic comment.

This little epiphany has been following me around like the little voice in the back of my head…which got me thinking… and that is always a dangerous thing.

We are humans. We forget the car keys. We say the wrong things. We accidentally cuss in front of a child. We make questionable life decisions. We make straight-up BAD life decisions. We let our humanness show. The beauty is that we are all human. Unless you’re incredibly original and off-the-wall, the majority of humans around you have made a similar mistake, if not the same exact one. Most people wouldn’t hold you to a perfect standard, so why do it to yourself?!

So in the midst of our humanness, cut yourself some slack. Shake it off cowgirl. Rub some dirt on it and move on because Hell hasn’t frozen over. The world is still turning.

Sometimes, we just need new eyes to realize that an honest mistake is not the end all be all. Mistakes happen, but you’ve got this. Keep on humaning, people. You’re doing great and don’t you forget it!

Learning to say No.

No. Two letters. One word. A whole sentence. An infinite amount of power.

You know that part of the movie in "27 Dresses" where Katherine Heigl has to practice saying "No" to James Marsden?

If the answer is no (tee hee)...

You're welcome.

Yeah, that's me. The girl who's not very good at saying no. Let's not dive into how many ways I resemble Katherine Heigl from this movie (amount of weddings I've been in, obsessed with my calendar, slightly a control freak... but we won't go into that), but let's focus on that one similarity.

If you're like me, you enjoy making people happy. And if you're also like me, you also like to spread your time between all of your passions, your friends, and your hobbies. And your job. That's important too. Between keeping up with social graces, and working full time, I find myself leaving the apartment at 7:00am and getting home at 8:30pm or later.

Let's get a couple of things straight right off the bat... I truly enjoy the things that fill my day. I love my job. I love going to the gym and working out, whether it's lifting, running or Zumba. On my weekends, I LOVE going out dancing, or having girl's night at the Comedy Club. My schedule is filled with amazing experiences and people. Also, I am not the type of girl who can hang out with the same person every single day. I will want to kill that person, and not because of anything he/she is doing, but because I need a variety of people to interact with, as well as solitude. I'm incredibly independent, so I like having the option to move from friend group to friend group. This character trait of mine is not stated to sound offensive, but solely for the fact that I love all of the people in my life and want to divvy up my time between multiple people that are very near and dear to my heart.

While the days are packed with wonderful things, I find that I cannot keep up. It's funny because I keep reading these articles about how the average person needs 8-10 hours of sleep, and I keep seeing these fabulous Thought Catalog articles saying that When you graduate college/When you hit your mid twenties/When you get your shit together, you start ACTUALLY getting the full recommended amount of sleep.

HA!

I graduated college, I'm about to hit my mid-twenties, I'm living the healthiest lifestyle I've EVER led....

And I get about 5-6 hours of sleep every night.

Why is that, you may ask? Because I cannot say "No."

It's an interesting problem to have. I enjoy all of the things that I do (for the most part), but when I find myself being consistently booked out two to three weeks in advanced, I struggle to keep up with everyday life. I can say with absolute certainty that I haven't been fully caught up with laundry since the beginning of January. IT'S APRIL PEOPLE! I'm a "Live Life Load-to-Load" kind of girl.

My issue with saying "No" is that I truly WANT to be doing all of these things. I love my friends. I love staying busy. I love having fun new experiences. However, I don't love being constantly exhausted. I think my issue is that I'm compensating. I'm compensating for the time I lost when I first moved to Portland. I was so lonely and the only people I wanted to be with were not within hang-out distance. My friends and boyfriend lived in other towns, so the result was an over-worked, under-socialized Sarah. Now that I have acclimated my self and my social life to the Portland Metro area, I have been trying to make up for lost time.

So, how to you draw the line of doing everything you want, while still maintaining self-care and balance? How do I fix this? I would LOVE to have James Marsden help me practice saying "No," (I mean, he is super delicious and I'm pretty sure we'd fall in love... just saying...) but that might not be the most realistic plan.

Here's what I'm going to do. I plan on setting "Alone Time" at least once a week. This alone time can be catching up on Netflix, doing my laundry, getting a pedicure all by myself, sitting and reading... or even sitting and doing nothing. I will set this time on my calendar. My "No Fly Zone." And for at least three hours. Three hours of laying low is the least I can do in terms of self care.

I also want to incorporate one of my No End in Sight "New Year's Demands". I want to plan date nights for myself. Date nights that can be done alone. It could be going for a walk in the park, or going to a movie, or taking myself out for dinner. Every other week. And yes that means that I can skip the gym occasionally to make this happen. (OH THE HORROR!!)

And lastly, I'm going to go down to the Library. I'm going to find a book. And Damnit, I'm gonna read it.

Saying "No" isn't meant to be an insult. Sometimes, by saying no, I am doing us both a favor. No one wants a run-down, lame, exhausted Sarah, and by letting myself draw some composure, it will make our next time together more fun. Saying "No" is going to be a positive, even if some people's feelings get hurt. I'm going to throw out this disclaimer: I struggled writing this post because of three reasons. I didn't want to come off like I'm complaining (this IS No End In Sight, the blog about how to stay positive). I didn't want to sound pretentious, like "Look at all of this fun stuff I'm doing." And I also didn't want it to sound like I am sick of anyone or anything in particular.

I wanted it to be about how I can find balance. And balancing it will be.

A letter to ALL of my Exs.

If you're like me, you have a lot of Ex's...

• Ex Roommates
• Ex Best Friends
• Ex Boyfriends/Girlfriends

These ex's are ex's for a reason. And that reason is that something didn't quite work. Maybe it was a small thing, maybe it was just the effects of time, and maybe it was a BIG FREAKIN' DEAL.

Whatever it was, we move on. We find a new roommate (or decide to live alone). We make new friends. We start dating other people. We find people to fill those voids, and maybe they aren't filled entirely, but the placeholders are no longer empty.

Regardless of why they are no longer involved in your life, you learn a lot from the experiences you gain from these people. If you could write a letter to your ex's, what would you say?

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex,

First of all, I want you to know one thing. 

I AM HAPPY. And I am happy because of you. Not in the way you might think, but you are one of the reasons I am happy. You helped me get here and for that, I thank you. I learned a lot from our time together, which in turn, brought me to the woman I have become.

You taught me about conflict. 

Whether it was a conflict about who's turn it was to do the dishes, or about why you wouldn't tell me certain things, I learned what complicated conflict looked like. Sure, the dishes were an easy conflict to resolve, but maybe the dishes weren't the actual issue. Maybe you were frustrated that I didn't invite you to an activity and that pile of plates in the sink was an easy release. Maybe you weren't telling me the entirety of a story because you still couldn't accept the truth of the situation. Regardless of what the conflict was, I learned how to spot it, how to address it (not perfectly by any means), and how to move on from it with a shaky, but respectful heart.

You taught me (and am still learning) how to communicate. 

...through trial and error. Believe it or not, ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. (But wouldn't that be nice?!) Bringing up issues can be really awkward, and I'm still not good at it, even if I'm a Communication major. However, stumbling our way through the uncomfortable chats about your emotionally abusive boyfriend, or about your ex-girlfriend who was threatening to punch me in the face made us stronger at that moment. I still have so much work to do on this topic, but I'm thankful that you helped grow me as a compassionate communicator.

You taught me what I should expect from a partner (be it romantic or platonic). 

There were times when you treated me fabulously. If there hadn't been good times, we would not have been friends/roommates/romantic partners. I loved when we would dance in our PJ's in the front room to OneDirection. I loved that you surprised me by coming to visit me for the weekend, when I thought you were working. I loved that we drove your dad's Mustang on that spring day to go get Frappachino's when the sun finally decided to come out. Those good times helped create my list of requirements when looking for a friend, a boyfriend or a roommate. Even if we ended, the good moments have helped shape what I desire in my relationships.

You taught me how to trust. 

I cried to you. I told you some of my most hidden fears. I leaned on you when I couldn't hold myself up. You supported me in the good times and in the bad. I learned to put stock in another person and that was an incredible lesson to learn. But...

I had to learn how to bounce back from failed trust. 

You hurt me sometimes. Cheating. Gossiping. Rumors. At times in my life, you absolutely broke me. But you know what the amazing part is?! I haven't stopped trusting. Just because you betrayed my friendship, it doesn't mean that I will never trust a friend again! Just because you broke my heart, it doesn't mean that I will never love again. You cannot ruin me. I am stronger than that.

You taught me to trust my intuition. 

You know that time when I found inappropriate photos of another woman on your phone? Yeah, I trusted my intuition and confronted you on that. I knew something was up, and they weren't just old photos of an ex-girlfriend. You know when you stopped texting me when a certain someone was around? I should have listened to my gut at that time, and I learned that my intuition isn't usually making things up. I am learning to trust myself when a situation makes me uncomfortable.

I taught myself how to be alone.

Yep, you heard me. I don't mind sleeping by myself. I get the whole freaking bed! I don't mind showing up to the group activity without my bestie in tow. I don't mind spending a Tuesday night blogging. I learned that I'd rather be in the company of an incredibly strong, creative and hilarious woman (MYSELF, obvs) than be with someone who is constantly belittling me or making me feel inadequate.

You taught me how to stand up for myself. 

When someone tells me that I'm too fat, or that I'm overreacting, or that I shouldn't feel a certain way, I know that I deserve better and you can damn well bet I will stand up for myself. I learned that if anyone is going to put me down, it's my responsibility to bring myself back up.

I learned how to fight graciously. 

We're obviously not close any more. If it wasn't just the ebb and flow of time that brought us to where we are, we probably got in a fight. I have not held myself together perfectly in every fight, but through these issues, I learned how to compose myself in a way that cannot be used to talk ill of me when the fight is over. At times, I didn't really execute the fights in a way that would exemplify said grace, but hindsight has taught me a lot about how to conduct myself and I feel like I have learned how to get in a fight, while trying my best to stay civil. Even when I didn't feel like you deserved civility.

I learned how to love myself.

You broke my heart. You turned friends against me. You took me down. You made stabs that had lasting impact. You said things that I am still trying to forget. But you know what? I love myself. It took work, and it took a lot of faking it, but I got there. It's a constant learning opportunity because some days my pants are too tight, and some days I still feel anger toward you, and some days, I really hope you stub your toe or hit your funny bone (because I would never wish anything serious upon you, but those things are harmless, painful and/or annoying). But on those days where I falter, I still remember how much I've learned and how far I've come. For some stupid cliche analogy, I'm a traveler down the road of life, and I've stopped plenty of places, but I'm having a killer time on this wild adventure.

So thank you. Thank you for screwing me over. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for leaving your bicycle in the middle of the living room. Thank you for pushing me to be stronger, better, more loving, and all around more bad-ass.

Cheers, my dear Ex. 

Life's a bitch, but as the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt says, a bitch is the mother of cute puppies, so that's pretty much a compliment. 

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Best Friend/Ex-Roommate/ Ex-Girlfriend

I guess I can say I'm a Runner now.

I've never liked running...

My legs are short and I'm slow. That's just how I'm built at 5' 1". I don't enjoy being out of breath and sweating is gross. (I really hate sweat, even though I work out a lot. It's so gross and stinky.) My dad, who got it from my grandpa, always says, "We're Buell's. We may be short... but we're slow!" Dad, that is NOT a good thing. And then of course they would both chuckle with how plain and ordinary our gene pool is when it comes to height and speed. That saying makes me roll my eyes WAY too far back.

I've honestly tried liking running. I've gone through multiple phases in my life where I tell myself, "This is the time... you're going to do it and you're going to like it dammit!" People always say that there is this thing called a runner's high. I had never found it. It was more like runners "die" to me. I was constantly exhausted. (And don't even get me started on how hungry I always was after running. I still wonder how runners are so dang skinny when they eat so freaking much.)

But in January, my friend Anna texted me and asked if I would want to do an 8 kilometer run with her in March. I said sure before looking up how many miles an 8k was.... IT'S FIVE MILES?! I can barely even run 2 miles!! How in the hell am I going to run 5 miles?! I started panicking. I figured the only way to keep myself accountable was to buy that darn race entry. $45 later, I was hyperventilating. Anna and I determined that if we ran four out of the five miles, we'd call it a success, so that night we drew up our race training schedules while watching the Golden Globes and started running next day.

Throughout the running, the sweating and the exhaustive breathing, I learned a heck of a lot.


Adrenaline can be your best friend.
Seriously, it's how mothers pull cars off of their babies and how Edward saves Bella in Twilight... oh wait, just kidding, that was just his cover story. But seriously, on the day of the race, I was practically giddy. No I wasn't doing the half-marathon, I was only doing five miles but those were the five miles that would become my PR of distance at this point in my life. I couldn't stop moving. Even when my knees were hurting. Even when I started feeling those blisters forming around mile 2.5 (and let me tell you, that was UNCOMFORTABLE!). I couldn't stop, because the adrenaline was helping push me to the end of that five miles.

Sometimes you need someone to challenge you.
On the days where I didn't want to run, I knew that my running partner had invited me to do this with her. She might not "need" me to run with her, but she was training. She was putting the effort in. She was in this too. I had that accountability to hold on to, even if we weren't running together every day.

You will hit setbacks.
In my case, it was getting rear-ended on my way to work. In the middle of my training schedule, I was told that I wasn't allowed to workout for 2 weeks, and then for 2 weeks after that I was limited to low impact workouts. I started panicking again. "I've only gotten to three and a half miles!! I'm going to lose all of my hard work!" (In case you hadn't figured out, I'm good at panicking...)

But in the end it's up to you.
You can choose to give up, or you can choose to keep moving. I kept walking. That was all I was allowed to do according to my doctor, so I walked. You find ways to keep moving towards your goal, even if it's slowly walking at an incline on a treadmill. You have the power to see a situation in a positive light.

You have people cheering you on. (Even strangers!)
My favorite sign of the whole day was one that said "GO STRANGER, GO!" That was one of the profound moments in the run. People wanted to see you succeed. Even if they don't know you. And sometimes you see people you do know, and they cheer you on, or you cheer them on! The point is that even though there will be haters and jerks, people love seeing success.

You don't have to have the coolest gear, but having the RIGHT gear is important.
Cuz if your stuff looks cool but gives you massive blisters, it sucks. Period.

I underestimate myself.
This is something that I learn time and time again, yet I never quite expect how it will slap me in the face. It's funny because over the last couple years, I have surprised myself so many times through resilience, strength and perseverance. I somehow made it through college with my support system living 2500 miles away. I have managed to keep almost 20 pounds off for a year. I am working toward becoming a Zumba instructor. And yesterday, for the first time, I ran five miles.... and couldn't wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the day.



Anna and I ran the whole five miles, accompanied by her dad and 8,000 other 8k runners (the irony of 8,000 runners running 8,000 meters is not lost on me...). We did it. We didn't even walk the mile that we had originally planned on walking. And guess what's the craziest part? I'm ready to find another race!

I might have run the race slowly, but I ran 5 miles, so I guess you could say I'm a Runner now. And believe it or not, I think I might continue to be a Runner.

The Whole30: Heaven and Hell

If you follow any of my social media platforms, you'll know that I did this crazy thing called the Whole30. I've posted food photos like the ultimate Instagram-Obsessed-White-Girl that I am. I've found recipes and shared them as if it was going out of style. It has been quite the incredible journey. But man was it HARD; a very, very hard incredible journey. There have been ups and downs, cravings, and weird dreams about food. Thankfully though, this Whole30 has taught me SOOO much about my food and my health, but mostly about myself.

So here's how this post is going to look... beware it's a long one. I'm going to tell you what the heck this weirdo dietary plan is, I'm going to tell you about my Whole30 Heavens and Hells, and I will tell you my overall opinion of this insanity.

Here we go...
Many of my friends have asked me a standard progression of questions in regards to the Whole30:

1) What IS the Whole30?

The Whole30 is a RESET button for your body. A button that takes 30 days to push. The program helps with balancing out your whole body by cutting out "all the psychologically unhealthy, hormone-unbalancing, gut-disrupting, inflammatory food groups for a full 30 days. Let your body heal and recover from whatever effects those foods may be causing."  (See more at: http://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/#sthash.ujsfAjfO.dpuf) The program also helps diminish cravings, helps break mental food addictions, and also helps clear up some pre-existing issues that are related to diet.

SO... What do you cut out?!

• Do not consume added sugar of any kind, real or artificial. No maple syrup, honey, agave nectar, coconut sugar, Splenda, Equal, Nutrasweet, xylitol, stevia, etc. Read your labels, because companies sneak sugar into products in ways you might not recognize.
• Do not consume alcohol in any form, not even for cooking. (And it should go without saying, but no tobacco products of any sort, either.)
• Do not eat grains. This includes (but is not limited to) wheat, rye, barley, oats, corn, rice, millet, bulgur, sorghum, amaranth, buckwheat, sprouted grains and all of those gluten-free pseudo-grains like quinoa. This also includes all the ways we add wheat, corn and rice into our foods in the form of bran, germ, starch and so on. Again, read your labels.
• Do not eat legumes. This includes beans of all kinds (black, red, pinto, navy, white, kidney, lima, fava, etc.), peas, chickpeas, lentils, and peanuts. No peanut butter, either. This also includes all forms of soy – soy sauce, miso, tofu, tempeh, edamame, and all the ways we sneak soy into foods (like lecithin).
• Do not eat dairy. This includes cow, goat or sheep’s milk products such as cream, cheese (hard or soft), kefir, yogurt (even Greek), and sour cream… with the exception of clarified butter or ghee. (See below for details.)
• Do not consume carrageenan, MSG or sulfites. If these ingredients appear in any form on the label of your processed food or beverage, it’s out for the Whole30.
• Do not try to re-create baked goods, junk foods, or treats* with “approved” ingredients. Continuing to eat your old, unhealthy foods made with Whole30 ingredients is totally missing the point, and will tank your results faster than you can say “Paleo Pop-Tarts.” Remember, these are the same foods that got you into health-trouble in the first place—and a pancake is still a pancake, regardless of the ingredients. (See more at: http://whole30.com/whole30-program-rules/#sthash.ujsfAjfO.dpuf)

2) Well, what the heck CAN you eat?!

Great question. And at times, when I peered into my fridge, seeing all of my roommate's non-compliant food, I wondered the exact same thing. Basically, it comes down to meats, veggies, eggs, fruit and healthy fats, such as nuts, fruits, oils and seeds. It sounds restrictive. It is restrictive. But it's also amazing to see the foods that you can come up with given those strict guidelines.


3) Why the heck are you doing this?!/You don't need to lose weight/You already work out a lot.

I hesitate to call it a diet, because I feel like the word diet is associated with weight loss. THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF THIS PROGRAM. Typically, a person will lose a little bit of weight while on this program because you are pretty much flushing the system of all the garbage your body has become accustomed to. I did not start this challenge to lose weight. I started this program because I DO workout 5-6 times a week. I started it because I wanted my healthy eating regimen to be a reflection of my newfound healthy gym life. It's pointless to work out like I do and then stuff my body with junk. (And guess what?! You can kind of see my abs now!)


So how was it? Honestly, it was Heaven... and it was Hell.

Because I'm sticking with the No End In Sight positivity philosophy, we'll start with the Hells and end with the Heavens.

WholeHells:
-Meal prep- I am not a good time keeper so my procrastination usually left me throwing together unplanned ingredients into something I could stomach at work the next day. My usual version of meal prep consisted of making extras at dinner so that I had enough to pack for lunch the next day. Sometimes I would forget (read: fairly frequently), so thankfully the KILLER staff of our café at work would hook me up with a great salad or an omelet if I forgot breakfast.

-Working at Freaking Dave's Killer Bread- I work at a bakery. Not only do I work at a bakery, but we are releasing new products. Not only do I work at a bakery where we are releasing new product, but practically everyone here is a baking superstar so there are ALWAYS treats. Let me tell you, over the last 30 days, I turned down carrot cake for the first time in my life. And then for the second time in my life. And then for the third time in my life. Yes... you read that right. There were three separate instances where carrot cake was served and I said no to it each time. ALL IN ONE WEEK. THAT was hard.

-Digestive stuff...- Not gonna elaborate too much on this one but that was something I was not really expecting.

-The "Kill All Things" phase-  This is the term for days 4-6 of the program, where your body is going through full-fledged, real-life withdrawals. I kid you not, our bodies are addicted to sugar and when you cannot have any additional sugar, you'll get headaches and you'll get angered easily. This wasn't fun. Those headaches were like a caffeine headache on crack. No bueno.

WholeHeavens:
-BOMB-ASS FOOD- Yeah, sorry about the language but seriously guys and gals, I ate some darn good food. Amazing spinach omelets. An apple/banana/strawberry skillet (think apple pie filling without the goo). Avocado "pesto" spaghetti squash with steak and potatoes. Are you hungry yet, cuz I definitely could keep going...

-Bye-Bye Eczema!- Yep, it's gone. Need I say more?

-Poof away the Pimples- *Disclaimer* I'm also using doTerra oils!* But the elimination of all these foods did contribute to my face clearing up.

-ENERGY!!- You all know how much I love my coffee. And anything with caffeine really. BWh30 (Before Whole30), I would usually drink a cup of coffee in the morning and then get another coffee or an energy drink before the gym or just after work in general. I haven't really felt the need to do that while on the Wh30. I have had some sleeping issues but I don't think they're related, so when I did get tired, I'd have a cup of black tea in place of coffee or a Red Bull.

-You can see my muscles!- I truly believe that my body has started burning the stored fats since it hasn't had the short-burst sugars to run off of. I feel like my cellulite has gone down (yes I have cellulite, most people do, get over it ya' diva!) and I think that my muscles look more defined! I'll be selling tickets to the gun show in the near future... (Jk... kind of... if you want to give me money for me to flex my arm, I can TOTALLY arrange that...)


So, what was the point?!

Why do something like this if you're not doing it to lose weight or whatever? Let me just tell you what I learned while doing Wh30...

I have INCREDIBLE will power.
This was a huge newsflash to me. I have NEVER been able to turn down sweets, or French fries, or breadsticks. I learned that I AM able to stick to something so strict for 30 days. They say that 21 days is a habit, but honestly I know it will take me a LOT longer to make this something that will provide lasting change.

There is added sugar in EVERYTHING.
Seriously, it was stupid, and eye opening, to see how much sugar is added into things that you would never guess... like Taco Seasoning. Look at your ingredients lists on your food. It'll blow your mind.

I ENJOY being healthy.
I put so much effort into going to the gym, into making healthy decisions and into loving myself the way I am, it just makes sense to put good quality food into my system. I do miss the junk too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think a huge plate of pasta sounded wonderful. But I also think that some zucchini noodles or spaghetti squash with pasta sauce would be WONDERFUL. Wh30 has taught me that there are some great ways to eat delicious foods, and great flavors that can still be obtained with healthy options.

Even YOU can inspire people.
Yes, you have to say that in Smokey the Bear's voice. But in all seriousness, I had no idea that people were paying attention. I think we all forget what kind of reach we have to the people around us. I have had multiple people contact me and tell me about how they are deciding to make healthy changes in their lives, or that they want to get started exercising, or that they went for a run, because they saw one of my posts. I am BEYOND honored to have been able to inspire those around me because I am constantly inspired by those around me. You all have heard me talk about my online health group and they are always posting about their struggles, their wins, and their inspiration. It's truly incredible, guys. You all are encouraging this process for me, for your friends, for your neighbors, even for strangers.


NOW WHAT?!

The 30 days are all done on Sunday! Everyone keeps asking me, "What are you going to have? What will you eat?! Are you going to keep eating like that?" and here is my basic response...

I'm going to have a PB&J sandwich. Why? Because it has sounded good EVERY SINGLE DAY. Also because I look at a sign that says "Rock your PBJ" so I think the company is brainwashing me... and it's working. It's going to be magnificent. However, my first day off of Wh30 is Super Bowl Sunday... I'll have to be careful so it does not become Super Bowel Sunday... (See what I did there?)

They warn you about getting off of Wh30, because your body isn't used to processing those foods any more. It's very easy to get sick on your first couple days back when it comes to reintegrating things. My plan is to go mostly Paleo after having a few snacks that have been banned for a while. (However, I do plan on keeping eggs and coffee in my diet).


Basically, this was hard. It's never going to be easy when it comes to being healthy because, unfortunately, we live in a world where cheap and convenient rule. Thankfully, by doing the Wh30, I learned so much about good nutrition, healthy relationships with food, and overall health. It is so worth the extra effort and I can't wait to see what some of these new changes do over a longer period of time.

Like they say in the book that inspired the Wh30, It Starts With Food...

So... Start.

Dating is hard.

I'm bad at dating.
It's hard. I'm awkward and self-conscious, so add the possibility of an attractive man and my accident-prone levels sky-rocket. Add the reality of another awkward human being and we'll probably create an A-Bomb (Awkward, not Atomic...)

Despite it being stressful, dating can also be one of the most fun and insightful experiences that we go through. It can be exhausting. It can be a rollercoaster of emotions; fear, nerves, confidence, uncertainty, giddiness, excitement and SO many more. You're basically putting yourself on display in order for someone to analyze you... and vice versa.

It's intimidating and if you're anything like me (who hasn't dated a whole bunch), it can send you into a full-fledged tail spin into hyperventilation, all while throwing every outfit you own on the floor.

So what do you do when you're freaking out, ready to bail?! You seek comfort from the advice of loved ones. These people know you really well so they can't steer you wrong, right? Not always. As much as we adore these individuals, have you ever been given advice that makes you cringe?

I know I have. So I took to social media and asked:
What is the WORST DATING ADVICE YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN?

These are REAL TIPS that people have been given. So naturally, I want to spin them into Positives. I had a bunch of people weigh in and these are just a small, but relevant, portion of the responses.


BAD TIP: Laugh at ALL the other person's jokes.
Anyone remember Janice from Friends? Fake-laughing at all the jokes sends you on a guaranteed train to "Never-getting-a-second-date-ville." That is a surefire way to look like a crazy person. Crazy is not attractive.
BETTER TIP: Be yourself.
Oh how cliché, Sarah. Well, sorry. If you find something funny, laugh. If you don't, a polite smile is okay.


BAD TIP: Dress scandalously/Show cleavage.
Sorry guys, this one is not for you... or maybe it is and you're going to rock that hipster deep-V-neck tee. Showing off the goods isn't necessarily the way to your partner's heart. It might be a way to another body part, and if that's what your looking for, you might want to use this tip, but if you're not just looking for a hookup, then you might want to look into something else.
BETTER TIP: Dress confidently!
Obviously, you want to look nice. If a low cut top makes you feel confident, then by all means, ROCK IT! - but it's not necessary. Be comfortable. Confidence is way more attractive than baring it all uncomfortably.


BAD TIP: Try to find a fixer upper... Everyone likes a challenge, right? AKA "He/She will change"
I hate when people say this. Unfortunately, I've been told this one. You should not be searching to change someone. Obviously, people are going to develop in life, and people change, but you should not be trying to change the personality of the one you are dating. The term Fixer-upper will now and forever remind me of the song from Frozen.
BETTER TIP: Know what you want in a partner.
I'm not saying get out your checklist of physical attributes and start checking them off. What I'm saying is that if someone does not meet your 'non-negotiables' list, don't try and fit a square peg into a round hole. One example is that I will not date someone that smokes. I'm not going to try to force a smoker to become a non-smoker just to date me.


BAD TIP: Even if you don't see it going anywhere, go on the date... at least you'll get a free meal. (See also, order something expensive at dinner.)
Taking advantage of someone is rude. Straight up. Also, why waste either person's time?!
BETTER TIP: Be honest.
If you don't see it going anywhere, don't keep up the charade. Dating games are so high school. Also, who wants to sit at an awkward dinner for at least an hour, even if the food is good?!


BAD TIP: If you don't learn to eat salad, you'll never get a husband.
I hate this tip. I've also been told to eat a salad at dinner. SCREW THAT. I rarely eat a salad as a meal on my own. Also, I'm really bad at eating salads... or anything for that matter. I always drop food on myself (which is why I usually don't wear white to go eat...)
BETTER TIP: Eat whatever the hell you want.
If I want a salad, I'll get a salad. If I want a cheeseburger with onion rings and a milkshake, I'll get that. Don't try and fake it. You want to enjoy yourself. SO enjoy your food.


BAD TIP: Don't date someone who makes less money than you.
I can't believe this has actually been said.
BETTER TIP: Don't base your relationship on how much your partner makes!!!
If you are basing your relationship of a financial statement, you're a materialistic jerk. Duh.


BAD TIP: It's okay if you have different religious beliefs.
Okay this isn't a BAD thing, but it can make things more difficult. If one partner is extremely religious and the other is not, it can bring stress to the relationship later down the road when it comes to attending religious ceremonies/services/etc, getting married, and raising children. For the most part, I haven't been on the same page as my previous partners when it came to religion and it definitely caused a bit of discomfort in my relationships.
BETTER TIP: See if your belief systems align.
If faith and religion are important to you, then it's good to see where your similarities and differences lie. If they are not important to you, it's good to know where the other person stands and what they will expect in the future.

BAD TIP: Love will conquer anything.
Nope, it won't. Love won't conquer a drug addiction. Love won't conquer abuse. Love won't give you a "PASS GO FOR FREE" card. Love can help you through those things but it's not an excuse to do whatever you want and pull a Nicholas Sparks by saying, "Well our love will take us away together."
BETTER TIP: Communication will help conquer MOST.
Communication will not excuse cheating or a gambling problem, but it will help you work through some things. Talking it out helps you understand where the other person is coming from and it will help you find solutions and compromises.


BAD TIP: Well, He/she is nice.
Oh jeez people... Just because someone is nice and they like you does NOT mean you should be with them. Nice-ness is great but do you have anything in common? Do you desire more time with them? Do you see a potential with them? Nice is great. My dog is nice. That does not mean I want to date my dog.
BETTER TIP: Is she/he nice to other people?
See how your date treats everyone around them. This says a lot about a person. Do they hold the door open for strangers? Do they say thank you to the waiter at dinner? Do they complain about the service, even if it was okay? Seeing how he/she treats other people is one of my biggest turn ons/turn offs.


BAD TIP: Maybe you should start losing weight before you start dating.
Thank God no one said this to me, I would have bawled my eyes out. You do not have to be "skinny" to be loved. You do not have to be a certain size to be found attractive. I am so glad I don't know who said this because they would have gotten a piece of my mind.
BETTER TIP: Rock whatever body you've got.
Again it comes down to confidence. If you are comfortable, it will show, and that is sexy as hell.


BAD TIP: Ignore your gut feeling, you don't even know them yet.
FALSE. In every way. If someone give you the heeby-jeebys, trust your intuition. If you automatically think that you don't click, believe yourself. Obviously, you should get to know the person in order to determine these gut-reactions, but once you have spent some time with the person, trust your feelings.
BETTER TIP: Check in with how you feel.
Let yourself feel the feels. Was there a connection? Could you hear the sound of crickets chirping? Analyze where your feelings were after spending some time together.


BAD TIP: If a person isn't going to "lock you down in a relationship," show him/her you have other options.
This is so dumb on so many levels. Like I said earlier, playing games in a relationship is so dramatic and ridiculous. Honesty is where it's at. I have yet to hear someone say, "I love playing games in a relationship, especially when it comes to whether or not we're serious in this relationship." As the friend who told me this Bad Tip mentioned, it pushed them into a relationship that probably wasn't genuine in getting into it for the right reasons.
BETTER TIP: If a person isn't going to "lock you down" (don't even get me started on that phrase), THEN MOVE ON.
Don't waste your time waiting around or playing games for someone who clearly is not interested in the type of relationship you want. It's nothing against you. It's nothing against them. Some people want different things in a relationship. What a concept...

And my favorite one....
WORST TIP: Your standards are too high; you should lower them.
Yes, clearly you should settle for someone who does not fit what you want. It's like saying that you asked for the new iPhone for Christmas and someone got you a Nokia brick from 2005. I have heard this line before, "well, maybe the type you're looking for is just a figment of a Nicholas Sparks plot line." Um hello? I'm not looking for something incredibly specific. I didn't know that an educated Christian man with a little bit of country in his roots was a figment of a romantic novel. I think one or two of those exist out there...
BETTER TIP: Be realistic in your standards.
Generalized standards are great. Try not to be too specific. (i.e. 6'2" with wavy brown hair, turquoise eyes, a PhD in astrophysics and loves his favorite author Charles Dickens.) Having a list of non-negotiables is important, and knowing what you're willing to compromise on is good too. Standards should be a guideline, not a set of steadfast rules. When you know what you want though, why force things you don't want into that category? Someone will be unhappy.



Despite all of these crazy tips, dating can be fun and exciting. Stressful? Duh. But still exciting. If we don't do a bit of dating, how will we know what we do and don't want in a partner? It's crucial to learn about other people whom you might want a relationship with, but it also teaches you about yourself.

Dating (even though my dating resume is slightly small) continues to teach me a LOT about myself. It teaches me things that I bring to a relationship, like communication and compassion, emotional support and dorky awkward humor. It also teaches me that there are SO many types of awesome people out there.

It's hard, but dating is a great test. One that you can't really pass or fail, but keep attempting until you find a winner.

What are some of YOUR dating tips that have worked/not worked? I'd love to hear more!!

College: I learned more about me than my major.

For some of you, you just started your last First day of School. For some of you, you started your First Day of College. And then there's those weirdos who have already been in school for a month, but were in the same boat. Regardless of where you are in your college career, you're doing it. GO YOU!

I love seeing the anticipatory posts of the new college babies. I love seeing the reflections of this year's seniors. It's a really incredible time of life.

There is so much to learn in college. DUH. It's why you're there; to get an education that will further your life aspirations and career goals. But what many people don't really talk about is how much you learn about yourself! I discovered myself in college. I'm not talking some crazy existential journey that miraculously opened my eyes, but I mean that I was able to develop parts of my personality that hadn't fully come around in the first 18 years of my life. I learned what I was capable of (like in last week's blog about the group that changed me in college! ), what I could survive, and what brought me a ton of joy!
So you might be asking, what did I learn MOST about myself from college?
1) I had to put myself out there.
College is hard. In high school, I was definitely an extrovert. When I got to college, I was out of my element and I was shy for the first time in my life. You go off to an area that is not familiar, and (I'm making an assumption here) you PROBABLY don't know everyone. You're probably going to have to talk to strangers, and not in a "Do you want a free piece of candy from my big white van?" kind of way.... however they do give out a lot of free candy on college campuses... But in all seriousness, you're not going to enjoy yourself if you sit in the back of the class, avoid eye contact with humans and don't make any friends. Take a step. Put yourself out there. Sure, not everyone is going to be your best friend, but every once in a while, you'll be able to share your mutual fear of your Rhetoric Professor and BAM! You have something in common. New besties.

2) Learn your limits. All of the limits.
When I say all of your limits, I do mean all of them. Learn about your sexuality. Learn about your alcohol tolerance. Learn how much stress you can handle. By learning your limits, I mean testing them. Push them. I'm not saying compromise your values or do things that you know will make you uncomfortable, but I learned my limits by seeing what was comfortable and what was not.

3) Trying to fit in with people you don't like is STUPID.
This was a mistake I made my freshman year, and other short bursts of time throughout the rest of college. If you don't like how someone is acting or treating others, you don't have to put up with it. The beauty of college is that there is a diverse population and there's probably SOMEONE out there with similar interests. Be patient and start looking!

4) It's a good thing to change in college, just don't change to impress others.
This was one thing that I saw from a bunch of my peers. They were pressured into doing things and they made the choice to change but not necessarily for the right reasons. I changed a LOT in college., but I never did the things that would change who I am morally. I didn't hook up with a guy because my friends wanted to hook up with his friends. I didn't smoke weed because the people around me were smoking weed. It goes back to your limits and also back to finding people with similar interests. Develop yourself but don't try to fit yourself into someone elses standards.

5) You will lose high school friends.
Not intentionally. And not all of them. Given the fact that you are not forced to be in the same class as 25-ish students every day, you will lose contact. They'll go off to different coasts, make new friends and new lives. That's okay. But the friends you keep in contact with will always be there for you. They'll be your rocks that you call and it seems like 5 minutes have passed instead of 5 weeks. You'll be in their weddings. You'll scream and cry for joy when they announce they are pregnant. They have a huge part of your life and they always will.

6) Sometimes you have to do things by yourself.
This was a new concept to me. I am a people person and sometimes independence scares me. College was very good for me in this scenario, especially since my parents moved 2,500 miles away. It kind of relates to the "Put yourself out there" point. There were times I needed to study by myself, or run errands alone, or even go to functions without a wingman. It was such a growing experience and truly forced me to find an independent confidence that I had never had.

7) You'll cry.
Because, sometimes, life is mean. But...

8) You'll laugh even more.
You're going to make incredible friends, go on ridiculous adventures, and see some hilarious things. Some of the things that happened to me during my college experience would have made for a phenomenal comedy/drama on a hit TV network. Some of the stuff was so far fetched that I could do nothing but laugh it off. Some of the laughs were alcohol induced. Some were from a delirious lack of sleep. Some, a mixture of both. Some laughs were a coping method when I was so stressed that it was the only thing keeping me from crying. Some of those laughs were to keep my friends from crying. But those laughs are some of the best memories I have from college and they will be forever with me.

Like I said, college was one of the best times of my life. I miss it daily, but I also reap the benefits of my college experience on the regular. I talk to my college besties every day. Literally, every day. I am so thankful for the person that college made me. I learned so much and wouldn't trade it for the world. Embrace this phase of life, whether you're just starting or if it's winding down. These memories will be with you forever.

I am Obsessed.

Being confident is a very hard thing to do.

 

We're  told that confidence is sexy. Confidence is powerful. Confidence gets you places in life.

 

But confidence is really freaking hard, and I'm an extrovert, so that's saying something.

 

We live in a world that is constantly telling you that you're not good enough. It's a world that compares you to everyone else. It's a world with the God-awful tool called photoshop. It compares what you're doing in life to what other people are doing in theirs. We've even come up with an acronym for comparing what we're doing in life to what those those around us are doing: FOMO, or the Fear Of Missing Out. Social media is a huge part of this (one that I take part in every day). You can put a filter on a photo, edit a video, or tag your location so that everyone else knows where you are. It emphasizes how well others are doing, how great someone looks, how successful others are, and if it's the opposite end of the spectrum, it's either pitiful or pathetic.

 

When we're surrounded by so much comparison, I oftentimes feel like what I'm doing isn't ENOUGH. I'm not making enough money to go on really cool trips around the world. I'm not successful enough to be working as a big-timer in a high-power company. I'm not skinny enough to rock that outfit.

 

It always frustrates me when I don't feel good enough, because darnit, I'm doing great things with my life, but there are many instances where I let our world get into my head and I compare myself to people and situations that are so different than mine. We're obsessed with comparisons.

The thing is that we make these comparisons with our eyes closed. We don't know the whole story.

 

Yeah, that girl is skinny enough to pull off those high wasited pants but shes also 8 inches taller than me and has curves in places that I don't. What I don't know is that she also works her butt off at the gym for 2 hours a day and weighs ten pounds more than I do. We'll never look good in the same clothes because we are built differently. Sure, that person goes on trips all over the world, REGULARLY. What I don't know is that she has been saving up for years and her sister-in-law works for a travel agency so she gets the hookup.

 

But this is where I want to change the perspective. I think we shoud start comparing ourselves to someone else...OURSELVES! Start looking at how far you've come in situations and making comparisons by how much growth you have seen. Become obsessed with loving yourself and acknowledging yourself instead of obsessing over others.

 

I found this photo today and it really sunk in...

 

I'm going to challenge you to stop comparing yourself to anyone else. And let me warn you, this is going to be hard. We've been conditioned to make comparisons for our whole lives so this is going to be a game changer.

It's time to love ourselves. Stop looking at your stretchmarks, your acne scars and your love handles. I love when people embrace their unique features. Like for me, I have a scar on my stomach from second grade when I had my appendix removed. I used to get really annoyed with my scar because it made my stomach look like I had an extra roll of fat. I'd make sure that any photos that included my tummy were on the other side. But you know what? Now I am embracing my scar! Since I've gotten on my health kick (working out and making smart food choices), that scar makes me look like I've got a bit more abdominal definition. I'm LOVING that scar.

It's time to turn our perspective. Get comfortable in that skin. It's doing a great job of holding all your organs in. Embrace it baby, cuz you are more than enough. You're a rockstar! We need to become proud of ourselves without being boastful. We can find strength in our own successes. It's time to become Obsessed. Obessed with loving ourselves.

Why the world needs more Strong Women, and less Hard Women.

Strength is such a broad and often generic word. He is so strong, she is so strong. Are you talking about a body builder or a cancer survivor? Are you talking about the kid who lost half of his leg, or the sexual abuse victim? Is it mental, is it physical, is it emotional?

I was thinking this morning on my drive to work about some of the women in my life. I've been blessed with a huge pool of female role models, from family members, to supervisors, to coworkers and friends. So many of these women have incredibly admirable qualities, one of the biggest of the bunch is their strength. I've also seen some women who take strength to a whole new zip code. They want to be strong so they become hard. They become unapproachable, cynical, and straight up rude. They go from women who have endured, to women who have calloused.

So, with two words that can sometimes be so similar and sometimes be so opposite, I decided to ask some of my loyal readers what they thought were the differences between hard women and strong women. Of course they didn't disappoint...

Well I feel like a strong woman knows when she is in a vulnerable position and can learn from that experience in order to become stronger or gain strength. A hard woman, I feel, is someone who is not emotionally stable. Someone who puts on a facade of "Im too tough to cry even though I feel like my whole world is crumbling"- Gal, 24

The difference is the way they deal with difficult times and how many of those times they've had to deal with. - Guy, 26

A hard woman to me means cynical, cold, unfeeling. She lets the things in her life build walls around her heart. Strong women still have feelings. They let themselves feel things but they are mature enough to see what they can gain or learn from really tough experiences. - Gal, 25

First off let me say, a strong woman is very sexy. I'm not entirely sure why, but watching a woman confidently -not like a psycho though- put a man in his place cracks me up (insert shit eating grin here). She's classy, very smart, works her tail off. Plus she will rock the bedroom because, well, she knows her man wants it but will make him work for it, otherwise it wouldn't be a challenge. Hard women? To me that sounds like an old landlord of mine. Crazy ass "strong willed independent woman." Asks her husband to do things, then tears him a new one just to do it.Always in control. She's probably incredibly self conscious so she built walls and acted tough, then got angry when those walls kept people out. Strong women are legit, they are true. There isn't a whole made up story or layer of BS to cover up mistakes or heartbreaks. It's awesome. I think it's the confidence and the ability to realize a mistake is just a learning experience. - Guy, 24

So the general consensus is that strong women still feel. Hard women are flat liners.

To be honest, I expected people to interpret the strong woman vs. hard woman in terms of job-related qualities, but was surprised when the descriptions of the differences were personal characteristics. I thought  it was interesting that the four people I asked ALL addressed the question from a place of conflict. This question had no background info attached, so for all four individuals to relate it to how women react in conflict was fascinating to me.

I think it is SO important to encourage women to be strong without being hard. I know far too many millennial women (and women of other generations as well) who are heading down what I believe to be the unhealthier of the strong vs. hard decision. They get their hearts broken, they find conflict in work, or they give up on something and say "I will never let this happen again," when a strong women would say, "how can I learn from this?" By closing yourself off to opportunities because of a bad experience, how will you ever grow?! So you had a crappy boss... The whole industry isn't out to get you. You fell in love and it didn't work out? You're not going to die alone. You gave up on a dream? There's still time.... go get it.

Strong women have so much to offer. They are compassionate but stern. Driven but not obsessed. They are vulnerable but they also know when the pity party is over. A strong woman is aware of her self, but she is also aware of how she treats others. A strong woman teaches, a hard woman dictates. A strong woman strives to understand, a hard woman points the finger. If we become a generation of women that become too hard, we will lose sight of our resilient strength.

Even if you're not a woman reading this, it's important to encourage the women in your life to stay away from the callousness and lean toward the understanding. Learn from your experiences. Let them shape you but not change you. I love the quote by Michelangelo, "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." This is the perfect analogy for staying strong without becoming hard. You have to make small adjustments in little pieces, but you don't change the material. You don't change yourself, you change the final product.