The pressure of keeping your SH*T together.

Have you ever hit a wall, thinking, "That's it! I'm done holding myself together. I'm going to throw a temper-tantrum in the middle of (Insert Location Here)."?

If you didn't say yes, you're either lying or you're the luckiest person I've ever met.

I feel like I have been hitting this wall frequently, and at full-fledged ramming speed. Anxiety has become a battle that I am facing and I find myself taking so many 'deep breaths' that I am border-line hyperventilating. I've never had a constant struggle with anxiety, so learning how to manage it has been a learning experience. As I learn what works, and what definitely does not, I have realized how much pressure we put on ourselves to keep it together; to stand strong without breaking. Before you say it, this is not a pity party, nor is it a place to whine. That's not what I am about. But I will admit that I am in a slump. This Slump happens every once in a while and time after time, I find myself feeling ashamed, like I can't handle everything. Because, you see, I am a perfectionist.

My perfectionism is not found in methodical tasks or by doing and re-doing projects. My perfectionism is found in the way I want others to perceive me. I don't do this so that everyone will like me or so that other people think better of me. I do this because I want to think better of myself. I want to 'fake it til I make it'. I want to inspire others through my actions. I want to be a good role model for handling life, even when life is hard. However, putting this perfect ideal onto myself is exhausting, especially when I start failing.

In the last year, I have made my fitness journey a very public experience. I have heard countless people say, "You inspired me to hit the gym more frequently," or "I started eating healthy because you have shown me that real people can make changes." This warms my heart more than I have words to explain, but what happens when I lose my motivation because of an injury? How do I continue to inspire people when I feel my strength fading? How do I stay true to my own journey when I don't know how to work around those failures? In comes the Slump. When I find myself in a cluttered work space, in comes the Slump. When my sleep schedule is off, or I makeout with someone that I probably shouldn't have, or when I feel the hammer come down at work, the Slump comes in and makes itself very comfortable.


But there is hope. The beauty of a slump is that it's not a permanent location. A 'slump' is defined as "a period of decline," meaning that it's a small portion of the whole picture. Sure, I haven't been going to the gym. Yep, I drank too much a couple weekends ago. You are right, I did drop the ball on that work project. But you know what? My slump is going to give me the motivation to climb my way back out to success! (Insert corny crowd-cheering noises here!!)

So, what do you do when you don't feel like Polly Pep-in-her-step'?

Let yourself freak out.
I may or may not have had a good, solid, Kim Kardashian cry in the car the other day. It wasn't pretty, but I definitely felt better when I was done. As my mom says, it's better to let a little water out of the dam, than for the whole thing to come crashing down. Sometimes you need to get it out on your own, and sometimes you need a shoulder for support. Have both options ready when you need it.

Let yourself relax.
In a world where being busy is praised, take some time to yourself . Read a book. (For awesome reading recommendations, and all around awesomeness, check out this killer blog, Sorry, I'm Booked). Go on a run. Build a bookshelf. Go on a hike. NAP. Do whatever soothes your soul. Just the other day, I took a bubble bath and read for a half hour. It was absolutely glorious.

You can say No.
I am the biggest hypocrite on this one. If I am asked to do something, I usually say yes. Whether it's helping with a friend's wedding, going to a baseball game, or even happy hour, it's okay to say no to things, even if they're fun! I have a horribly social problem, where I want to do everything. Unfortunately, I need to start practicing the art of Saying No. It's hard when you want to do everything, but sometimes, you need to preserve your peace of mind.

Make a get-away plan.
I don't mean like the Italian Job. No mini-coopers involved. (Unless you own a mini-cooper, and then I'm jealous...) I mean a plan on how you can get yourself calmed down when you feel your SH*T getting out of control. For me, I know that cleaning or rearranging my room gives me a sense of order and accomplishment. I also love building crappy Target/Ikea furniture to calm myself down (which is a very expensive relief mechanism), but whatever you do to gain an ounce of control, make sure it is being done for you, and as your choice.

Yeah, keeping your SH*T together is hard sometimes, and it would be super great if we could just pound our fists on the ground, wailing like misbehaving 3 year olds, but unfortunately as adults, we have to at least TRY to keep some sense of composure. We are human. It's okay to not be positive and peppy all the time. It's okay to have times where you don't feel like you can handle things. It's okay to be down on your luck. Adulting is hard, and doing it gracefully is nearly impossible. Let yourself hit the slump, but use the momentum that was bringing you down to act as a pendulum and swing it back to the upward slant.

Learning to say No.

No. Two letters. One word. A whole sentence. An infinite amount of power.

You know that part of the movie in "27 Dresses" where Katherine Heigl has to practice saying "No" to James Marsden?

If the answer is no (tee hee)...

You're welcome.

Yeah, that's me. The girl who's not very good at saying no. Let's not dive into how many ways I resemble Katherine Heigl from this movie (amount of weddings I've been in, obsessed with my calendar, slightly a control freak... but we won't go into that), but let's focus on that one similarity.

If you're like me, you enjoy making people happy. And if you're also like me, you also like to spread your time between all of your passions, your friends, and your hobbies. And your job. That's important too. Between keeping up with social graces, and working full time, I find myself leaving the apartment at 7:00am and getting home at 8:30pm or later.

Let's get a couple of things straight right off the bat... I truly enjoy the things that fill my day. I love my job. I love going to the gym and working out, whether it's lifting, running or Zumba. On my weekends, I LOVE going out dancing, or having girl's night at the Comedy Club. My schedule is filled with amazing experiences and people. Also, I am not the type of girl who can hang out with the same person every single day. I will want to kill that person, and not because of anything he/she is doing, but because I need a variety of people to interact with, as well as solitude. I'm incredibly independent, so I like having the option to move from friend group to friend group. This character trait of mine is not stated to sound offensive, but solely for the fact that I love all of the people in my life and want to divvy up my time between multiple people that are very near and dear to my heart.

While the days are packed with wonderful things, I find that I cannot keep up. It's funny because I keep reading these articles about how the average person needs 8-10 hours of sleep, and I keep seeing these fabulous Thought Catalog articles saying that When you graduate college/When you hit your mid twenties/When you get your shit together, you start ACTUALLY getting the full recommended amount of sleep.

HA!

I graduated college, I'm about to hit my mid-twenties, I'm living the healthiest lifestyle I've EVER led....

And I get about 5-6 hours of sleep every night.

Why is that, you may ask? Because I cannot say "No."

It's an interesting problem to have. I enjoy all of the things that I do (for the most part), but when I find myself being consistently booked out two to three weeks in advanced, I struggle to keep up with everyday life. I can say with absolute certainty that I haven't been fully caught up with laundry since the beginning of January. IT'S APRIL PEOPLE! I'm a "Live Life Load-to-Load" kind of girl.

My issue with saying "No" is that I truly WANT to be doing all of these things. I love my friends. I love staying busy. I love having fun new experiences. However, I don't love being constantly exhausted. I think my issue is that I'm compensating. I'm compensating for the time I lost when I first moved to Portland. I was so lonely and the only people I wanted to be with were not within hang-out distance. My friends and boyfriend lived in other towns, so the result was an over-worked, under-socialized Sarah. Now that I have acclimated my self and my social life to the Portland Metro area, I have been trying to make up for lost time.

So, how to you draw the line of doing everything you want, while still maintaining self-care and balance? How do I fix this? I would LOVE to have James Marsden help me practice saying "No," (I mean, he is super delicious and I'm pretty sure we'd fall in love... just saying...) but that might not be the most realistic plan.

Here's what I'm going to do. I plan on setting "Alone Time" at least once a week. This alone time can be catching up on Netflix, doing my laundry, getting a pedicure all by myself, sitting and reading... or even sitting and doing nothing. I will set this time on my calendar. My "No Fly Zone." And for at least three hours. Three hours of laying low is the least I can do in terms of self care.

I also want to incorporate one of my No End in Sight "New Year's Demands". I want to plan date nights for myself. Date nights that can be done alone. It could be going for a walk in the park, or going to a movie, or taking myself out for dinner. Every other week. And yes that means that I can skip the gym occasionally to make this happen. (OH THE HORROR!!)

And lastly, I'm going to go down to the Library. I'm going to find a book. And Damnit, I'm gonna read it.

Saying "No" isn't meant to be an insult. Sometimes, by saying no, I am doing us both a favor. No one wants a run-down, lame, exhausted Sarah, and by letting myself draw some composure, it will make our next time together more fun. Saying "No" is going to be a positive, even if some people's feelings get hurt. I'm going to throw out this disclaimer: I struggled writing this post because of three reasons. I didn't want to come off like I'm complaining (this IS No End In Sight, the blog about how to stay positive). I didn't want to sound pretentious, like "Look at all of this fun stuff I'm doing." And I also didn't want it to sound like I am sick of anyone or anything in particular.

I wanted it to be about how I can find balance. And balancing it will be.