These Aren't My New Year's Resolutions: The 10 Things I Demand from 2015

New Year's Resolutions are dumb.
No sugar coating it.

People think that by setting this public goal, they're automatically going to develop this super-human dedication to lose thirty pounds. They purchase their gym membership and then go for a week, MAYBE a month, before giving up. They say they'll quit smoking and then two weeks in, they forget that it's their resolution and light up.

New Year's resolutions are oftentimes unrealistic and frustrating. NEWS FLASH. Life is frustrating.

(Whoa, whoa, whoa Sarah... Where is your positivity?!?! That was SO cynical!)

Hear me out. The word 'Resolution' is defined by the Oxford dictionary as "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter." So creating all of these resolutions are basically the act of creating end goals without creating the game plans. How does that make sense?!

So how can we create these goals in 2015 without setting ourselves up for failure?

I love looking at language and how to spin the situation using certain words to change the meanings, and that's just what I did! I've decided to create my 2015 New Year's DEMANDS. A 'demand' is defined as "an insistent and peremptory (insisting on immediate attention) request, made as if by right." I'm making these insistent changes in 2015 as if by right, because guess what? It's my right to make changes!!! 

Here are my ten demands for 2015:

1.) Learn to keep my mouth shut.
I'm not going to lie, this one was completely inspired by a recent blog post on Elite Daily called New Year's Resolution Remix: 15 Things to Stop Doing in 2015. Their number one resolution of change was to stop showing and telling everyone about everything. That hit me so hard. As you all know, I am an OPEN BOOK. I will talk about anything with anyone; discuss my sexual abuse with the CEO of my work (along with 12 other people), DONE, write a blog post about getting dumped hard, CHECK, telling everyone that I embarrassingly got into a strangers vehicle outside of work, YEP.  However, there's no need to post on Facebook six times a day. I don't need to have my phone on me at ALL TIMES. I need to find a bit more balance in my real life, and not focus on my virtual life...which brings me to my next point.

2.) Be present.
I NEED to put my phone down. I need to buy a camera, a real life camera (not just my iPhone) and capture moments. I need to immerse myself back into my art. I need to write down the little moments. The present is passing by at every ticking second and I'm missing a lot of it. I need to be present.

3.) Increase my savings.
My friend Craig posted a photo the other day of a savings plan. The first week of the year, you put one dollar in your savings account. The second week, you put two dollars in your savings account. The tenth week, you put ten dollars in yours savings account. The 32nd week, you put 32 dollars in your savings account. You get it? I'm doing it. By the end of the year, you should have put away $1,378.00 into your savings. That's happening.

4.) Make my bed.
I am not a tidy person. Any of my former roommates will tell you that. Any of my close friends will tell you that. Anyone who has stepped into my bedroom EVER will tell you that. My goal is to start making my bed. A little effort goes a long way. You never know, this first step could lead to a myriad of other tidy habits... I might actually start putting my laundry away right after its done too... Whoa now, let's not get too ambitious.

5.) Heal my heart.
I thought it was healed. It isn't. It's healing, but it's not healed. Unfortunately, time and optimism are the only things that will cover this demand.

6.) Love my body.
I am so much better at this than I have been in the past, but I have a lot of growth left to see in this topic. One of the best ways to love your body is to take care of it. I've definitely improved my exercise plan in 2014, but in 2015, I want to step up my nutrition game. I'll be starting off the year with the Whole30 Challenge! Regardless of my nutrition or exercise, I would like 2015 to consist of more body-positive dialogue. Tell myself what I'm doing right, instead of commenting on my flaws. Continue taking care of myself.

7.) Fall in love and date.... myself.
If you are in a good relationship, you are able to have fun, to communicate, and to adventure. In 2015, regardless of my dating life, I want to date MYSELF. I want to do fun things and go on adventures and be true to me. There is nothing wrong with doing fun things alone. Why should you be forced to wait on other people to see that one movie, or try out that new restaurant? If I want to be happy with another person, I first need to be confident in my own emotions, interests and perspectives. 2015 will be the best relationship I've ever had... with me.

8.) Read a book a month.
I cheated, I started my January book in December. I'd like to do a book review at the end of each month. January starts off with the book Love Does, by Bob Goff. I love reading and I look forward to having the free time to explore more literary opportunities.

9.) Meet my fitness goals.
2014 was AWESOME in regards to getting into the correct mindset of a true life-long fitness journey. It was not an immediate-results experience, but more of a "why is this not working... holy crap, when did I make so much progress?!" I have two major fitness goals for 2015.
       1- ACTUALLY get my Zumba Instructor certification. This was my 2014 goal and unfortunately I couldn't make it happen, but dang it, I'm signed up for my class to get certified on February 21st! It's going to happen y'all!!! I've got two stellar instructors (who have become great friends) that have agreed to help out in mentoring me on that big step! Hopefully by 2015, I will be teaching my very own class!
       2- DO A PULLUP. Unassisted. I will probably cry when I get there but that is happening this year.

And finally, 10.) Give.
I found a quote a couple weeks ago and I could not have worded a mantra for 2015 any better. The quote says this:

I aspire to be a giver. A giver of good vibes and a giver of strength.

I cannot wait to give. How I'm going to do that, I'm not quite sure. What I do know is that I'd like to give back, give love, give encouragement, give hugs, give funds, and give confidence. I have been so incredibly blessed in my life, despite my struggles, so 2015 is going to be showing appreciation through giving.



2014 hard but it was the year of positive thoughts and my goodness, it taught me SO much. The positive thoughts aren't going anywhere. The positivity will remain. But 2015 is going to be something spectacular. I don't know what, and I don't know how, but I know. It's a big year and I can't wait to share it with you all.

So lift that champagne glass, or red solo cup, or glass of water, or juice box.
Thank you for 2014 and Cheers to 2015.

The Life of Sarah: The 2014 Highlight Reel

It's getting toward the end of 2014 which means it's about that time for sentimentality and all sorts of retrospectives on the past year. You see the top songs of 2014, the top movies of 2014, the most influential people of 2014, the best tweets of 2014, etc. It's all about the highlights.

What better way to follow up the "Thankful For the Crap"  post than with a Highlight reel?! I figured, everyone else is making these great 2014 Recap's, so I guess I should make one too!  A LOT of my highlights have been covered in other posts on No End In Sight, but not all of them.

Not only did I create my list of highlights, but as I was compiling them, I realized that these highlights strengthened me as a person. They made me happier, stronger, and more successful.

So I'd like to take a second, just sit right there, and I'll tell you all about how I became... happier in 2014. (Tell me you didn't just sing that like Will Smith and I will know you're lying!)


The Best of 2014- According to Sarah
I had my first snowday as a grownup.
Yes, this is most definitely how I am going to start of this post because it was quite a fun experience. You take snow, unexpected PAID time off, the Olympics and peppermint Schnapps, mix it all together and you get a pretty fun couple days. There was no learning curve to this experience, just the pure, child-like joy that is SNOW.

I started a kick ass blog.
It came out of a dark place, but the beauty is that it saved me from darker places. 2014's mantra was "2014 is the year of positive thoughts" because I found myself struggling to find positivity. 2014 was hard. It was ugly at times. I cried a hell of a lot. But one thing I could always count on was that I could pour all of my emotions and decisions into my virtual diary, where some of my closest friends -as well as total strangers- could weigh in, or at least know what I was going through. It turned from my venting space to a place of connection. I also felt that I continued to grow in the way I communicated. I was (and still am) able to put it all out on the line, even if I choose not to publish certain posts. Yet another beautiful result of this blog is the comments I have received from my readers. The notes saying, "That post really hit me because..." or "Thank you for addressing that!" truly warm my feelers. I appreciate you taking the time to go through my jumbled thoughts.

I got my butt in gear. Literally.
Getting into the gym in March was probably the one of the most positive things to come of this year. I have maintained a 15 pound weight-loss, I'm in the process of getting my Zumba Instructor Certification, and I've found a "gym family." Finding my physical strength was also an incredible way of staying positive and mentally strong.

I saw some AWESOME concerts.
Black Jack Billy, Cole Swindell, Lee Brice, Bella Fleck, Katy Perry, Chase Rice x2, Nickel Creek. All incredible shows and I CANNOT wait for 2015's concert opportunities.

I became best friends with my siblings.
How cliche is that? Maybe it's because we're all adults now. Maybe it's because we all live apart, so we're not annoyed by each other. It could be any of those things but I think it's because my mom and dad did an incredible job raising three human beings (but I'm a little biased). I have had more support from those two boogers in the last year than from anyone. They let me cry, they make me laugh, I let them cry and I help them laugh. I truly value you both, Andy and Hannah. You are two amazing role models even though you'll both always be my wittle babies.

I fell in love.
Okay so technically, this happened in 2013 but it deepened in 2014. Falling in love is a pretty incredible thing. Although it didn't end well, I am very very thankful for learning how to fall in love. I know it happens differently every time but I learned about what type of partner I am. I learned that I am able to be a great girlfriend. I learned that I am able to be selfless. I learned that I am able to feel deeply. I learned that I am able to be incredibly happy in a relationship and I learned that I AM still incredibly happy. Which leads to the next highlight.

I also fell in love... with myself as a single woman.
When the love I talked about was cut short, I had to do some soul-searching. I made some decisions that led me to discover what an incredible woman I have become in the last 23 years. No, that is not some conceited statement. It is a sense of confidence that I have been trying to find for a long time. When I had my love rejected, I had to invest that love in myself. I took care of myself. I let myself be sad. I let myself be cared for. I let myself heal and I let myself be happy again. I found strength and I found my laughter. And dang it, I LOVE laughing, because let's be real, I'm hilarious.

I took some fun trips.
I ventured to the coast for a wedding, the mountains for a camping trip, to Montana for another wedding, and to California for turkey day. All of the company was wonderful. The memories were beautiful and I hope to remember them for a long time to come.

I found an incredible job.
Are you guys sick of me talking about my awesome job yet? Well, get over it because I love it. I love the people I work with, the tasks I do, the mission of the company, the community we serve. ALL OF IT. Definitely one of the biggest highlights of the year.

My roomie is one of my besties.
I've had a lot of roommates. All amazing women. Some working better than others. But let me tell you about my oober-goober roommate. If Hannah and I lived together, I think it would be very similar to living with Emmie. I feel like she's me when I was 19. She's outgoing, and silly. She's not afraid to be a dork. She will have deep conversations with me and then run through the hallway to scare me five minutes later. I'm so blessed to have my little Emlynne Faith. It's always an adventure, and usually a struggle, but at least we're on the struggle bus together. HA HA!

I re-engaged my life with Jesus.
Cue the inspirational music, the robed choir and the televangelists. No but seriously. I started reading my bible (app) every night. I found a beautifully engaging church that not only relates to my everyday life, but it also lives up to the Christian ideal of family and stewardship. I have been able to see the work that Christ is doing in my life, but also how our church is making a difference in the world. I cannot wait to learn more about how to walk a more loving and supportive life with the Lord.

I met AMAZING people.
From the amazing crew at my local Dutch Bros., to the tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum that share my office, to the amazing Zumba family that I've found, I have been incredibly blessed with a multitude of personalities to add to my arsenal of friends. Each person brings something new to the table. I am so excited to watch these relationships flourish.

I took my mantra, "2014 is the year of positive thoughts," and turned it into a reality.
It wasn't easy. Sometimes I had to lie to myself and tell myself all this positive mumbo jumbo to get through. But I'll tell you a secret. Deep down, truly in my heart, I knew it was going to be okay. I knew that my positivity would prevail, and guess what? It did!! The power of suggestion is a pretty powerful thing. So to those of you needing that last little positive boost before the new year, here it is: Never underestimate yourself. You are amazing.


The greatest part about looking back on this highlight reel is that I have realized how much happier I am in December, as opposed to where I was in January. God puts us on "this crazy, magic, sometimes almost tragic, awful beautiful life" (please, someone get that reference...), and as my mom says, "If God leads you to it, He will bring you through it." God led me through a year of trials, of building, of growth.

Despite some rough waters, this year was one of the best. I am incredibly thankful. I am especially thankful for YOU! You're reading my blog, which was my little love child idea. Thank you for listening.

May you all have a blessed Christmas. And I will leave you with this:
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. - John 14:27

Thankful for Crap.

It's that time of year.

You see an insane amount of Facebook posts, tweets and instagrams starting with, "I'm thankful for..." or "Day 17 of Thanksgiving" or "Thank you all for _____. #blessed." I am 100% guilty of this, and despite the fact that I didn't do my 'X-amount of Thankful days', I have so much to be thankful for this year.

See, it's easy to list off all the good stuff that I'm thankful for, and the people that have blessed me this year. It's easy to throw out the classics like Family, Friends, a stable job, and the list of cliches that goes on and on.

What we oftentimes forget to appreciate is the Crap that happens in the year. The stuff that makes us really pull our hair out and maybe even cry a little bit. At No End In Sight, we like to spin "The Bad" and see it through a different lens, turning it into "The Good", so that's exactly what I'm going to do.


I'm thankful for:

Having a job that completely BROKE me.
For those of you who are new to No End In Sight, you might not know that I started this blog as a way to keep myself positive in the midst of a perpetually destructive work environment. I had never been treated so poorly in my life. Sure I had the occasional crazy boss, but this workplace was ROUGH! Like, multiple breakdowns crying at my desk. I was ridiculed, degraded, and made to believe that I was stupid on a regular basis. After 2 months, I was already looking for a new job because I was literally depressed from my work. However, I am SO thankful for this job because it led me to a job that I ADORE! Sure, I don't want to wake up in the morning because I love to sleep, but I have never NOT wanted to come to work. I work with people who build me up, who value me and my opinions, who are passionate about their job, and who are literally changing the world. Without that crappy, miserable, destructive job, I would not have found this place that brings me such joy and accomplishment.

Getting my heart broken.
Obviously, this has been a big topic on the blog over the last few months. There is no easy way to handle a breakup, especially when infidelity is involved. However, I am SO thankful for this heartbreak becuase it showed me that I can love deeply, lose it, and come out as a stronger person. For the first time in months, I am genuinely, not-faking-it, happy. I am doing more with my life and meeting new people. I'm exploring. I'm relaxing. I'm building myself up in ways that I didn't think were possible three months ago. Yep, I got hurt. Yep, I got cheated on. Yep, I am the bigger person and I know that my life took a much more positive turn on that Monday afternoon when I got dumped via text at work. Despite that, I win. I'm strong and I win!

Losing some friends.
Losing friends is inevitable. It's crappy, but it's a fact of life. Some friends will stick around for a little while, and some friends will stick around for life. And some won't stick around, period. However, I am SO thankful for this loss of friendship because it reinforces the relationships that are still around, making them stronger than ever. Friendship is the force that has gotten me through this year of difficulty, and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Experiencing financial hardship.
There is nothing more stressful that money. It is hands-down the most difficult aspect of life. I hate the feeling of putting $4.89 in your gas tank and hoping it lasts you til payday. If you've never been there, I salute you. There were a couple of times this year where I could not make it. I had to ask for help, which to me, was failure. I was ashamed and embarrassed to need help, but it was necessary. However, I am SO thankful that struggled with money because through the kindness of loved ones, I was able to get back on my feet. I was able to make ends meet and appreciate the support I had, and will always have, behind me.

Moving. Twice.
Moving is a real bitch. Sorry for the language but it really is. Not only does moving suck, but it's also really, stupidly expensive. You have to pay for the new deposit, you have to pay for the gas of a bajillion trips to and from your new place, and you have to purchase the things that your new place needs. The amount of times I have moved in the last couple years is ridiculous. However, I am SO thankful for moving because I am safe with a roof over my head, in apartment that I LOVE and a roommate I ADORE. The shuffling of stuff is always annoying but hopefully we'll be in this place for a while because I love it.

Realizing my health sucked.
I know I've gone over this a few times lately, but I realized around March that my body was yet another thing bringing me over the edge of the cliff of depression. I was out of shape. I was weak. I was chubby. I was not happy with how I looked, felt or acted in regards to health. I was drinking consistently (not large quanitities, but frequently), eating junk food regularly and the only exercise I got was through walking up the stairs to my apartment, which left me totally winded by the time I got to the third floor. However, I am SO thankful that I was hitting rock bottom with my health because I knew something had to change. Thankfully, I had a positive influence in my life at the time regarding fitness, so I was able to make the necessary decisions to get mysef healthier. Now, 8 months later, I have lost 15 pounds and can actually walk up the stairs without losing my breath. I'm heading to California for Thanksgiving and cannot wait to play with my "nephew" without wanting to double over in loss of breath.


This was probably the hardest year of my life. I take that back. This WAS the hardest year of my life. But 2014 is the year of positive thoughts. I don't think I would have been able to make it through without that mantra, because even when I was struggling to get out of bed because the world was a big fat meany, I knew that good things happen and with a positive outlook, anything is possible. (Cue corny uplifting music!)

So even though this year was hard, and there were many "piles of crap," I am thankful. Thankful that I faced hardship with a smile on my face. Thankful that I  made it through to the other side of those hardships. Thankful for the support behind me.

I guess you could say I was pretty #blessed.

If I could write a letter to me...

Dear 15 year-old Sarah,

You are about to embark on the most awesome life. Seriously. You get to experience some really incredible things. You get to witness love, excitement, loss, and the most incredible laughter. You'll get hugs that repair your heart and hugs that will leave you completely crippled. You'll meet people who will change your life forever. As I'm looking back on the person I was my freshman year of high school from my 23 year old eyes, there are some things that I would want to tell you if I could.


Don't drink pink panty droppers. EVER. You won't remember those nights and you usually don't make very good choices at that point. Anything with that many types of alcohol is a bad idea.

Making out with a stranger WILL happen. (Sorry Mom...) It won't make you feel better about yourself and it tends to make things a bit more awkward later on in life. However, you usually will have friends that save you from your own stupidity.

Put yourself out there. People will judge you. Screw 'em.

Learn to dance ASAP. You'll meet incredible people and it's a fantastic workout. Plus, guys that know how to dance are officially your type because they are sexy as heck. It also helps you gain a whole new level of self confidence that you never knew existed. And guess what?! You're not half bad!!!

Forcing yourself to throw up is never a good idea. Which leads me to the next point.

Take care of your body. You only get one. Skinny is overrated and usually unhealthy. 800 calories a day is stupid. Vomiting is unhealthy and causes so much more BAD than you can imagine at this point. Fueling your body to be fit is the best way to take care of yourself. Don't get me wrong, laziness is great, but like everything, it should be done in moderation. Exercise is one of the best things to combat depression, and you'll face that more than once. Taking care of your body also makes you feel so much better about yourself, physically and mentally. When you are fit, you look hot, and your confidence shows.

Be a dork. It's your thing. You're good at it and it comes easily. Don't fight it. With your sense of humor, you can have fun with most people and when you're being silly, people feel more at ease. Laughter makes any situation better, I promise.

You learn a lot when you start dating. Don't be afraid. Again, you have to put yourself out there. You're going to get shut down, and friend zoned, and blown off, and stood up, but believe it or not, some of those trainwrecks lead you to some great people.

Heart break is literally the worst thing on the planet, (with hangovers pulling at a close second) but also one of the most influential forces of nature. You will be crippled. You will cry more than you thought humanly possible and you will be betrayed, Benedict Arnold style. It will cause you to question everything, yourself and your decisions included. But it will also grow you. You'll find a strength that you never knew existed. You will pick yourself up when you feel like everything on the planet is pulling you down. You'll laugh between the moments of weakness because you are strong and you can't be destroyed. You become a stronger woman, a more compassionate woman, and a smarter woman.

Peach Burnett's is a bad idea. Correction, any sweet alcoholic beverage is a bad idea, but Peach Burnett's is the worst.

It's okay to whole-heartedly love Taylor Swift. Her albums will literally heal you. She's putting all your feels into words. And she does so in an eloquent and rather catchy way. Turn the music up and JAM GIRLFRIEND.

Open your sun roof at every possible chance. Turn your music up loud and be glad that you are blessed to have yet another day on this earth.

You will see loss. It's hard to see those around you lose someone and it's even harder when you lose someone yourself. Hug everyone you love as frequently as possible and don't let anyone go without knowing how you feel about them.

Don't buy the Jetta... actually, you gain some pretty incredible people in your life from that piece of shit, just sell it earlier.

Don't start texting and driving. It's like quitting smoking. Impossible, but worth it.

Exercise is not for someone else, it's for you, and when you finally get the hang of it, you end up gaining so much confidence in yourself. You're pretty strong too when you actually push yourself. And let me tell you, with good diet and exercise, you won't get bulky. Don't be one of those dumb girls that are afraid to lift.

Your gut intuition is probably right. Whether it's about a friend, a situation, your boyfriends "friend" that he made out with three years ago, your gut usually can tell if something's not right. Regardless of how you feel about someone, be the bigger person and ALWAYS treat people with respect. You always want to be the person whom people have nothing bad to say.

NEVER make that comment about the lesbian couple to one of your best friends. It will cost you one of the most genuine friends of your life. This is my only one thing in life that I would change. Literally, the one moment I would go back to and alter.

Friend break-ups are ALMOST as bad as romantic breakups, and sometimes worse. Cherish your friends but know when to let go. Sometimes they'll come back to you and sometimes they won't.

High School is absolutely NOT the best time of your life, so get excited for all of the stages after. Each stage of your life brings even more new and exciting opportunities. Keep your chin up.

You will cry over money more than you will cry over boys. Money sucks. No, you don't need to go out for dinner tonight just because you're lazy. Save that $10 because you WILL need it. However, your appreciation for money will help you in the long run. Be smart but don't be afraid to ask for help. Many people have faced the struggle that you're going through, and you never know when someone will invite you over for dinner (it's one less meal that you have to afford!).

Your relationship with the Lord should always come first because He is always with you and your biggest cheerleader. Followed closely by your mom.

Lorelei Gilmore is always going to be your biggest role model. Also, followed closely by your mom.

The quantity of friends you have does not determine the quality of friends you have, but family dinners are one of the most fun parts of college. A diverse group of friends is a fantastic thing. You have a friend group for when you want to watch Netflix. You have a friend group who will join you at the bars. You have your sports friends, your school friends, and your work friends. Sometimes they'll overlap, sometimes they won't. Embrace the variety of friends but know that they won't all be there when you need them, and that's okay.

Coffee will be one of your best friends. It's like a security blanket and a therapist all in one.

And lastly, Love yourself. Despite the circumstances of life, you are you. As Dr. Seuss said "Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive that is you-er than you!" Stay true to yourself and find out who that is. It takes trial and error. You'll go through phases with your interests and your talents. One thing that you should always keep in the forefront is your positive outlook and your silver-linings perspective. Positivity truly changes your life. So keep smiling, keep shining... Trust me, Bridemaids will be a source of wonderful quoting pleasure in your future.

You're really freaking incredible. Don't forget it.

Love always and always cheering for you,
Older, and slightly wiser, Sarah

I'd love to take the easy way out, but unfortunately I'm an addict.

You know those days that you want to sick on the couch and veg? Well, I've been having a lot of those lately. The reasons vary but the outcome feels the same. I get home from work, sit my booty on the couch and I mope. Sometimes, I grab a blanket and nap for a bit; sometimes, I click on Netflix; sometimes, I just sit there and think (which is EXTREMELY dangerous). Most days, I have about a 40 minute window in this vegetable stage before it sinks in too deeply and all of my productivity is gone.

Thankfully, I've found something that keeps me from hitting the dreary, Oregonian comastose state: The Gym.

If you've been keeping up with my blog, you might know my background when it comes to my body image stuff. I had always considered myself athletic. Sure, I didn't work out frequently in college, but I played sports growing up and I wasn't some weak, little flower that couldn't carry my own boxes while moving (which I did frequently). In reality, I was kidding myself. I was NOT athletic, I was lazy and in denial. I needed a jolt to get me back to my actual athletic self.

Fast forward to Spring of 2014. At the time, I had a boyfriend who enjoyed working out more than anything else in the world, and he taught me a TON about taking care of myself. He never pressured me to change how I looked but I would be lying if I said that my inital workout kick didn't have anything to do with his self-proclaimed passion. He looked like a statue of a greek god and let's just say that I was a little softer than marble. He had no issue with my bodily composition but I did.  When you're surrounded by a buff-macho-man influence, you become even more aware of the fact that you're the girl who didn't quality as skinny but wasn't fat either. As one of my friends recently pointed out, I wasn't fat, I was thick. BUT I ALWAYS FELT FAT. I have had body image issues for a very long time and for the first few months, I was ready to give up every single day. As I've talked about in prior posts, I had tried to lose weight in very unhealthy ways in the past. In my post Learning to Love this Rockin' Bod, I wrote,

I was always so angry that I let my weight determine my self worth, so I started thinking about how I can make the positive changes in my life to not only get healthier physically, but to also get happier with my body from the mental perspective. Throughout this discovery, I still have LOTS of days where I feel defeated. I get really down on myself because, like I said, I'm used to the instant results of unhealthy weight loss. On those days, I make myself find at least two things in the mirror that I like/see improvement. As silly as that sounds, it gets me back to remembering that I am getting stronger.

I'd have to drag myself to the gym, but I knew I was making a good change. I'd literally be whining to myself, shoes on, dressed and laying on the floor, saying, "I don't wannnnaaaaa!" But the little diva voice in my head said, "Actually Bitch, you do!"

Then, after a few months of not seeing any changes, of half-assing it at the gym, of hating the commitment it took, I saw a little change in the mirror. "Hey, is that a muscle?! Oh my gosh, I think I see a muscle!!" Sure it still had a thick layer of fat over the top, but my flicker of hope turned to a little tiny flame. I started wanting to go to the gym, you know why? Because I was starting to get stronger.

Fast forward even farther, the gym was my therapy in a time where all I wanted to do was mope. I cried on the treadmill. I grunted through the free weights. I got angry on the Lat Pull. And most importantly, I laughed in Zumba. I found out that the endorphins I released in my workouts not only distracted me from my moping, but it truly helped me be a happier person during one of the saddest times of my life. It pushed me to a new level of fitness, too. I have now become the gym junkie who feels so guilty when skipping the gym. I go 4-6 days a week instead of 2-3. I get teased at work for having Zumba on one day, spin on another, yoga on Sundays and weights thrown in there when I'm feeling up to it. It's the best thing that could ever warrant mockery.

I also realized that fitness is benefitting EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE. I've made friends in my exercise classes. I want to fuel my body with good food. I want to build my muscle. I want to challenge myself with a Tough Mudder (coming in June thanks to a kick-ass group of people from an online fitness community I was introduced to after writing my first body-conscious post). I've gained a confidence I've never had in regards to my physical appearance, and I am SO MUCH MORE LOVING TO MY BODY. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with loving myself on occasion (not in that way dirty birds!), but in the long run, I remind myself of how far I've come and it fills me with a sense of pride that I'm still getting used to. I have so many more goals to fulfil.

When I started this journey in March, I could have gone back to the old way of doing things. The easy way. The unhealthy way. But this time I didn't. I pushed myself. I continue to push myself. And I'm not done pushing myself. Hopefully, I never will be.

Because now I'm addicted... and I don't want to go to rehab.

Why I went skinny dipping in the Pacific Ocean, and other life changes.

Skinny dipping in the Pacific Ocean was not on my bucket list. In fact, it hadn't ever come close to it. I had gone "skinny dipping" in college, but a sports bra and bikini bottoms does not a skinny dipper make. I'm a fairly modest person who gets uncomfortable when someone stares at me too long. "Is there something on my face? Is my fly undone?"

Why would I put myself out there like that? It's dangerous. It's cold. It's crazy.
Well, let me explain.


I am a 23 year old woman. In my life, I've done some pretty awesome stuff but I haven't done anything extraordinary. I wasn't Valedectorian. I didn't have perfect grades. I wasn't an incredible athlete. I didn't date much. I have lots of great friends but I wasn't "the popular kid." I didn't get a crazy awesome job right out of college. Sure, I've done well for myself, but there hasn't been anything that would necessarily make me stand out from a crowd AND THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

As a millenial in post-college life, you start to think about how you are living. You're not in college anymore. You can't just stay out until 3:00am four nights a week and expect to maintain a decent job from 8:00am-5:00pm. Drinking large quantities makes you do stupid things that you can't chock up to "college stupidity." Bills don't get paid with student loan disbursements, they get paid by long hours and real jobs. You have to start saving your money. You have the pressure of the rest of your life once you get that degree. For the first time in our lives, we are actually told to grow up.

I've been trying to grow up since I was 15 years old. I wanted to be the mature one who had her "stuff" together. I developed the moniker of "Momma Sarah" and loved it because I was the DD when we went out dancing; I'd cook dinner for my 20 closest friends; I took care of my friends after a pretty terrifying car accident, making sure they woke up every hour in order to make sure they didn't have concussions. I loved, and still love, being the caretaker of the group.

However, there is one thing that I have realized  at this point in my early-twenties journey. Since I can remember, I have been trying to act older than I am. I wanted to dress older (not even on the scandalous scale, just older styles), I would look into my future, I'd plan my life down to a specific timeline, and you know what I found? I was not living in the moment. I was planning for the person I was going to be instead of developing the woman that I am. This fact has bothered me a bit. I LOVE being a planner, but given some recent developments in life, I have realized you can't plan for everything. Yes... I know... I should have realized this fact much sooner, but hey, I'm stubborn, okay?

So on the chilly September night at the Heceta Head Lighthouse, on the Oregon Coast, I decided to live in the moment. I let my 23 year old self give in to the impulsive and slightly stupid idea of wading into the freezing cold salt water BECAUSE I COULD. I was living in the moment! With one childhood friend, and two strangers, we ran hand-in-hand into that icy ocean. I felt an electricity that only comes around when you are comfortable in your skin. All of my insecurities about my body were gone. Let's go even bigger... for a moment, my insecurities about LIFE were gone. I didn't think about my career path, my bank account, my relationship status, my family, my future. I thought about how freaking cold it was, yet how thrilling this adventure felt. I was in the moment.

Looking back on that memory, I realized that I shed more than clothing that night; I also shed an idea that spontaneity is bad. I gained the knowlege that a little bit of crazy is a good thing. It keeps you on your toes, it keeps you alive.

So yes, I went skinny-dipping in the Pacific ocean. Yes, I froze my rear-end off.

And yes, I changed my outlook on life.

I don't miss you, I miss SOMEONE.

I'm okay being single. I don't want to be single forever, but for now I do NOT mind it. I've done some soul searching (insert deep philosophical background music). It had been a while since I had been solo and a lot has changed in my life since last time I was looking for love in all the wrong places.

If you take romantic relationships out of the picture, I have gone through five jobs, three apartments and a few friendships in the last year and a half. (That last sentence makes me look like a shit show, and let's be real, I kind of was... in the most controlled way possible.) I think that constitutes a bit of change. Take out relationship drama and you find a wide-eyed girl who moved her country roots to a big city. I've finally landed a job with an incredible company and I have coworkers that have become "killer friends"... you see what I did there?! That's a LOT of change. Awesome change.

Despite the change in the form of a promotion, an awesome apartment with a great roommate, and the best friends a girl could ask for, I find myself missing my "girlfriend mode." What do I mean? Well, it's pretty simple. I miss being a girlfriend, and that means I miss having a boyfriend. Do I miss the tool I dated? Nope. Not in the slightest. I have learned the hard way that I am so much better off, but it doesn't mean that I LOVE being by myself. Sometimes, I do. A lot of times, I don't.


But here's what I miss.


I miss thinking of fun ways to surprise someone. I miss thinking about how to make their day or cheer them up. I miss thinking about what kind of gifts would make them smile the biggest.

I miss having the best friend who listens and let's you be excited/mad/confused/scared/dorky. Yes, your friends can do this, but there's something comforting about knowing that your significant other will snuggle with you when you're done being a basket case.

I miss date nights. I'm not talking about the "Put your heels on and spend a lot of money on dinner" type of date nights. I'm talking about the "PJ's and takeout with Netflix" date nights. (This one can be altered into a girls night, but usually it involves celebrity gossip, fingernail polish and lots of wine... LOTS of wine). Don't get me wrong, the fancy date nights are very important too. There's something to be said about showing off your arm candy.

I miss the S.... nuggling.

I miss holding hands. When I miss holding hands a lot, I clasp my own hands and pretend to hold my own hand. Just kidding. (You'll never know if I'm actually kidding...)



So yeah... I miss being a girlfriend and I miss the placeholder of a person who is my go-to confidant. But here's the thing: Just because I miss having a person to do all of those things with, it doesn't mean that I'll just start sticking people into the empty space and seeing which random person fits!

I had a friend tell me recently that I shouldn't be looking to date right now, but just look around to have fun. Well, sorry hunny, this isn't college anymore and I am not the type to just fill the blank with some Tom, Dick or Harry. Sure, dating is great. It's fun. It gives you butterflies. But it also takes a LOT of work. It takes emotional investment when done for the right reasons, and let me assure you, I am doing this dating thing for the right reasons. When you invest your heart, you invest a little piece of yourself that is permanently changed. When you start giving all of those parts away to a bunch of different people, you start to lose your identity. You're altering so many of those little pieces, to the point where you are left with random puzzle cutouts that don't fit together. Before you know it, you're too afraid to give those pieces away in fear of an even more mismatched final product, or even worse, you become a person who ALWAYS has to have someone around to make sense of those pieces.

When it comes down to it, I have realized that it's too early for me to give more pieces away to be altered. Again, I am not saying that I miss my old relationship, specifically. I'm thankful for the opportunities I had to give out each and every piece of me, because like I've said in prior posts, it made me who I am today, but I also know that the ones I have left are special. They're precious and fragile, so it's not fair to me, let alone someone else, to give those pieces away at this time.

So no, I don't want to go on a random date to have "a little fun... but not too much fun." I want to let myself fully make peace with the loss of a dear relationship. I want to let the little chunks of Sarah Soul get stronger in their altered identity, and THEN I want to start dating, because, dang it, I rock and someone will be lucky to date me. I make a great girlfriend. I know because I miss that role. 

But until then, I'm going to love being single and re-learn about what a kick-ass human I am.

College: I learned more about me than my major.

For some of you, you just started your last First day of School. For some of you, you started your First Day of College. And then there's those weirdos who have already been in school for a month, but were in the same boat. Regardless of where you are in your college career, you're doing it. GO YOU!

I love seeing the anticipatory posts of the new college babies. I love seeing the reflections of this year's seniors. It's a really incredible time of life.

There is so much to learn in college. DUH. It's why you're there; to get an education that will further your life aspirations and career goals. But what many people don't really talk about is how much you learn about yourself! I discovered myself in college. I'm not talking some crazy existential journey that miraculously opened my eyes, but I mean that I was able to develop parts of my personality that hadn't fully come around in the first 18 years of my life. I learned what I was capable of (like in last week's blog about the group that changed me in college! ), what I could survive, and what brought me a ton of joy!
So you might be asking, what did I learn MOST about myself from college?
1) I had to put myself out there.
College is hard. In high school, I was definitely an extrovert. When I got to college, I was out of my element and I was shy for the first time in my life. You go off to an area that is not familiar, and (I'm making an assumption here) you PROBABLY don't know everyone. You're probably going to have to talk to strangers, and not in a "Do you want a free piece of candy from my big white van?" kind of way.... however they do give out a lot of free candy on college campuses... But in all seriousness, you're not going to enjoy yourself if you sit in the back of the class, avoid eye contact with humans and don't make any friends. Take a step. Put yourself out there. Sure, not everyone is going to be your best friend, but every once in a while, you'll be able to share your mutual fear of your Rhetoric Professor and BAM! You have something in common. New besties.

2) Learn your limits. All of the limits.
When I say all of your limits, I do mean all of them. Learn about your sexuality. Learn about your alcohol tolerance. Learn how much stress you can handle. By learning your limits, I mean testing them. Push them. I'm not saying compromise your values or do things that you know will make you uncomfortable, but I learned my limits by seeing what was comfortable and what was not.

3) Trying to fit in with people you don't like is STUPID.
This was a mistake I made my freshman year, and other short bursts of time throughout the rest of college. If you don't like how someone is acting or treating others, you don't have to put up with it. The beauty of college is that there is a diverse population and there's probably SOMEONE out there with similar interests. Be patient and start looking!

4) It's a good thing to change in college, just don't change to impress others.
This was one thing that I saw from a bunch of my peers. They were pressured into doing things and they made the choice to change but not necessarily for the right reasons. I changed a LOT in college., but I never did the things that would change who I am morally. I didn't hook up with a guy because my friends wanted to hook up with his friends. I didn't smoke weed because the people around me were smoking weed. It goes back to your limits and also back to finding people with similar interests. Develop yourself but don't try to fit yourself into someone elses standards.

5) You will lose high school friends.
Not intentionally. And not all of them. Given the fact that you are not forced to be in the same class as 25-ish students every day, you will lose contact. They'll go off to different coasts, make new friends and new lives. That's okay. But the friends you keep in contact with will always be there for you. They'll be your rocks that you call and it seems like 5 minutes have passed instead of 5 weeks. You'll be in their weddings. You'll scream and cry for joy when they announce they are pregnant. They have a huge part of your life and they always will.

6) Sometimes you have to do things by yourself.
This was a new concept to me. I am a people person and sometimes independence scares me. College was very good for me in this scenario, especially since my parents moved 2,500 miles away. It kind of relates to the "Put yourself out there" point. There were times I needed to study by myself, or run errands alone, or even go to functions without a wingman. It was such a growing experience and truly forced me to find an independent confidence that I had never had.

7) You'll cry.
Because, sometimes, life is mean. But...

8) You'll laugh even more.
You're going to make incredible friends, go on ridiculous adventures, and see some hilarious things. Some of the things that happened to me during my college experience would have made for a phenomenal comedy/drama on a hit TV network. Some of the stuff was so far fetched that I could do nothing but laugh it off. Some of the laughs were alcohol induced. Some were from a delirious lack of sleep. Some, a mixture of both. Some laughs were a coping method when I was so stressed that it was the only thing keeping me from crying. Some of those laughs were to keep my friends from crying. But those laughs are some of the best memories I have from college and they will be forever with me.

Like I said, college was one of the best times of my life. I miss it daily, but I also reap the benefits of my college experience on the regular. I talk to my college besties every day. Literally, every day. I am so thankful for the person that college made me. I learned so much and wouldn't trade it for the world. Embrace this phase of life, whether you're just starting or if it's winding down. These memories will be with you forever.

Looking at the group that changed my life.

Have you ever had something happen to you that changed your life for the better?

I've had a few of these moments. Sometimes you realize in the moment that they're happening and sometimes it takes a little flashback to remind you of how much you were affected. I've had a few seasons in my life that definitely changed my overall course, and one particular organization had a large life-altering presence.

On Friday, I was asked to return back to my old stomping grounds, the Memorial Union at Oregon State University, to participate in an alumni Q&A session for the incoming coordinators of the Memorial Union Program Council (MUPC). I was so excited to go back to Corvallis and share my love for MUPC with anyone who would listen.

Anyone who has spoken to me for more than a half hour has probably heard me talk about MUPC, so for those of you who are scratching your heads and wondering what in the world it is, I will try and convey the awesome in one sentence.

MUPC is a student event planning group on campus to put on a huge variety of events and activities throughout the year.

That sentence (or any sentence that doesn't include firworks and pyrotechnics) does not do the organization justice. It sounds like just another student organization. How did that change my life? Well, let me tell you. Through MUPC, I was able to gain more knowlege than any other time/place in my life. I learned interpersonal skills, I learned the professional building blocks, I learned conflict resolution, and most importantly, I learned about my own personal potential.

The interpersonal skills were something I had already thought I displayed. I'm my mother's daughter. I talk to strangers at the grocery store. I am fairly confident when meeting new people, but MUPC and student leadership encouraged me to develop my skills further. We did trainings like StrengthsQuest to determine our leadership styles, which helped us learn what types of people we work with more effectively and how we can better our communication with those who may not be like-minded communicators. It also encouraged me to work with different organizations who have different motives and end goals than my own organization. We worked with diversity development in order to reach a greater target audience.

Along with the interpersonal focus, I was also encouraged to develop my professional skilss. We worked with tools such as timelines, GoogleDocs, Microsoft Office, riders, contracts, and so many other things. We were taught how to conduct meetings, how to market our own events and how to professionally handle difficult clients.

We learned that, on a campus of nearly 30,000 students and faculty members, not everyone will LOVE your events. We learned that you're always going to have that ONE customer who whines. We learned how to work with committee members that you'd rather drop kick across the football field. We also learned how to adapt. Sometimes your comedians show up ten minutes AFTER the commedy show is scheduled to start and that you have to get up on stage in front of 1,200 people in order to stall while they get ready to preform.

Most of all, MUPC taught me that I am capable. How often are 18-22 year olds in charge of an event with a $70,000 budget? How often are students in charge of over $100,000 worth of merchandise? How often are college 'kids' responsible for keeping 6,000 students safe at a free concert? Well, at least once a year for all of those with MUPC. The organization taught me that I am capable of putting 6 months of hard work into a single 40-hour weekend and creating memories for hundreds of students and their families.

Honestly, it was a little difficult going from so much responsibility to the "real world" where people my age aren't always held to the same work standards that we were held to in the Student Leadership world. It was hard since I had accomplished some big stuff in college and then I went back to the lowliest positions in the workforce. But let me tell you, once I was able to prove myself and to prove my abilities, I realized that MUPC had set me up for success. Looking back and talking with the new coordinators helped me realize how much growth I had seen in myself throughout the two years as a college event coordinator.

MUPC had changed my life. It had given me the people skills, the work ethic, and the confidence I had needed to prove myself to my superiors in my after-college life. It also gave me some of the best friends I could have asked for. I spent many days crying over tests, work frustrations and boy problems with my co-coordinators. We binged on coffee as the event date came up closer and closer. We shared event horrro stories. We shared event successes. We met each others families. We met each others' significant others. We lived one of the best times of our lives together and now share a bond that will always remind us of some of our best and strongest memories.

Going back this weekend came at the perfect time. I needed to "go home" and MUPC was a great place to visit. It reminded me of all the things I survived while sitting on those couches at the MU. I tried conveying my love for the organization to the incoming coordinators but they'll learn soon enough. They'll live it. It opened my eyes to how different of a person I would have been had I not joined the Programming council.

I loved looking back on the organization that changed my life.

I am Obsessed.

Being confident is a very hard thing to do.

 

We're  told that confidence is sexy. Confidence is powerful. Confidence gets you places in life.

 

But confidence is really freaking hard, and I'm an extrovert, so that's saying something.

 

We live in a world that is constantly telling you that you're not good enough. It's a world that compares you to everyone else. It's a world with the God-awful tool called photoshop. It compares what you're doing in life to what other people are doing in theirs. We've even come up with an acronym for comparing what we're doing in life to what those those around us are doing: FOMO, or the Fear Of Missing Out. Social media is a huge part of this (one that I take part in every day). You can put a filter on a photo, edit a video, or tag your location so that everyone else knows where you are. It emphasizes how well others are doing, how great someone looks, how successful others are, and if it's the opposite end of the spectrum, it's either pitiful or pathetic.

 

When we're surrounded by so much comparison, I oftentimes feel like what I'm doing isn't ENOUGH. I'm not making enough money to go on really cool trips around the world. I'm not successful enough to be working as a big-timer in a high-power company. I'm not skinny enough to rock that outfit.

 

It always frustrates me when I don't feel good enough, because darnit, I'm doing great things with my life, but there are many instances where I let our world get into my head and I compare myself to people and situations that are so different than mine. We're obsessed with comparisons.

The thing is that we make these comparisons with our eyes closed. We don't know the whole story.

 

Yeah, that girl is skinny enough to pull off those high wasited pants but shes also 8 inches taller than me and has curves in places that I don't. What I don't know is that she also works her butt off at the gym for 2 hours a day and weighs ten pounds more than I do. We'll never look good in the same clothes because we are built differently. Sure, that person goes on trips all over the world, REGULARLY. What I don't know is that she has been saving up for years and her sister-in-law works for a travel agency so she gets the hookup.

 

But this is where I want to change the perspective. I think we shoud start comparing ourselves to someone else...OURSELVES! Start looking at how far you've come in situations and making comparisons by how much growth you have seen. Become obsessed with loving yourself and acknowledging yourself instead of obsessing over others.

 

I found this photo today and it really sunk in...

 

I'm going to challenge you to stop comparing yourself to anyone else. And let me warn you, this is going to be hard. We've been conditioned to make comparisons for our whole lives so this is going to be a game changer.

It's time to love ourselves. Stop looking at your stretchmarks, your acne scars and your love handles. I love when people embrace their unique features. Like for me, I have a scar on my stomach from second grade when I had my appendix removed. I used to get really annoyed with my scar because it made my stomach look like I had an extra roll of fat. I'd make sure that any photos that included my tummy were on the other side. But you know what? Now I am embracing my scar! Since I've gotten on my health kick (working out and making smart food choices), that scar makes me look like I've got a bit more abdominal definition. I'm LOVING that scar.

It's time to turn our perspective. Get comfortable in that skin. It's doing a great job of holding all your organs in. Embrace it baby, cuz you are more than enough. You're a rockstar! We need to become proud of ourselves without being boastful. We can find strength in our own successes. It's time to become Obsessed. Obessed with loving ourselves.

Why the world needs more Strong Women, and less Hard Women.

Strength is such a broad and often generic word. He is so strong, she is so strong. Are you talking about a body builder or a cancer survivor? Are you talking about the kid who lost half of his leg, or the sexual abuse victim? Is it mental, is it physical, is it emotional?

I was thinking this morning on my drive to work about some of the women in my life. I've been blessed with a huge pool of female role models, from family members, to supervisors, to coworkers and friends. So many of these women have incredibly admirable qualities, one of the biggest of the bunch is their strength. I've also seen some women who take strength to a whole new zip code. They want to be strong so they become hard. They become unapproachable, cynical, and straight up rude. They go from women who have endured, to women who have calloused.

So, with two words that can sometimes be so similar and sometimes be so opposite, I decided to ask some of my loyal readers what they thought were the differences between hard women and strong women. Of course they didn't disappoint...

Well I feel like a strong woman knows when she is in a vulnerable position and can learn from that experience in order to become stronger or gain strength. A hard woman, I feel, is someone who is not emotionally stable. Someone who puts on a facade of "Im too tough to cry even though I feel like my whole world is crumbling"- Gal, 24

The difference is the way they deal with difficult times and how many of those times they've had to deal with. - Guy, 26

A hard woman to me means cynical, cold, unfeeling. She lets the things in her life build walls around her heart. Strong women still have feelings. They let themselves feel things but they are mature enough to see what they can gain or learn from really tough experiences. - Gal, 25

First off let me say, a strong woman is very sexy. I'm not entirely sure why, but watching a woman confidently -not like a psycho though- put a man in his place cracks me up (insert shit eating grin here). She's classy, very smart, works her tail off. Plus she will rock the bedroom because, well, she knows her man wants it but will make him work for it, otherwise it wouldn't be a challenge. Hard women? To me that sounds like an old landlord of mine. Crazy ass "strong willed independent woman." Asks her husband to do things, then tears him a new one just to do it.Always in control. She's probably incredibly self conscious so she built walls and acted tough, then got angry when those walls kept people out. Strong women are legit, they are true. There isn't a whole made up story or layer of BS to cover up mistakes or heartbreaks. It's awesome. I think it's the confidence and the ability to realize a mistake is just a learning experience. - Guy, 24

So the general consensus is that strong women still feel. Hard women are flat liners.

To be honest, I expected people to interpret the strong woman vs. hard woman in terms of job-related qualities, but was surprised when the descriptions of the differences were personal characteristics. I thought  it was interesting that the four people I asked ALL addressed the question from a place of conflict. This question had no background info attached, so for all four individuals to relate it to how women react in conflict was fascinating to me.

I think it is SO important to encourage women to be strong without being hard. I know far too many millennial women (and women of other generations as well) who are heading down what I believe to be the unhealthier of the strong vs. hard decision. They get their hearts broken, they find conflict in work, or they give up on something and say "I will never let this happen again," when a strong women would say, "how can I learn from this?" By closing yourself off to opportunities because of a bad experience, how will you ever grow?! So you had a crappy boss... The whole industry isn't out to get you. You fell in love and it didn't work out? You're not going to die alone. You gave up on a dream? There's still time.... go get it.

Strong women have so much to offer. They are compassionate but stern. Driven but not obsessed. They are vulnerable but they also know when the pity party is over. A strong woman is aware of her self, but she is also aware of how she treats others. A strong woman teaches, a hard woman dictates. A strong woman strives to understand, a hard woman points the finger. If we become a generation of women that become too hard, we will lose sight of our resilient strength.

Even if you're not a woman reading this, it's important to encourage the women in your life to stay away from the callousness and lean toward the understanding. Learn from your experiences. Let them shape you but not change you. I love the quote by Michelangelo, "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." This is the perfect analogy for staying strong without becoming hard. You have to make small adjustments in little pieces, but you don't change the material. You don't change yourself, you change the final product.

TRUE LIFE: My Stupid Facebook Addiction

So, I did something stupid. I committed to two weeks without Facebook.

Ever since I got a Facebook my senior year of high school, I am a constant updater, liker, sharer, poster, commenter and everything else Facebook-y. I love it because I stay connected with my family in OH. I learn about current events (or at least the ones that millenials care about, like Beyonce's VMA performance or the death of Robin Williams). I see my friends' kids grow up even when I can't be a constant presence in their lives.


HOWEVER-

I realized recently how dependent I am on a stupid social networking website. I checked it every five minutes, or more. At every stoplight. In between reps at the gym. While I was watching TV. Right when I woke up. The HOUR before I went to sleep. Not until I did a little unexpected life-audit did I realize how frequently I was on FB. Sure, my friends made fun of me for being on it so much but isn't everyone?!

That's when the challenge came to mind: I was going to do a 2 week Facebook cleanse. I had one of my most trustworthy friends log onto my FB and change my password for me. Yes, I could always push the "Forgot my Password" button, but that's cheating and I am NOT a cheater. Especially when my friend is holding me accountable. Heck, I gave it up for Lent in the past and 14 days is a piece of cake compared to 40 right?

Right. And wrong.

It's been good to stay away from FB, especially in a time where I'm feeling slightly alone. Facebook is the ultimate demise for FOMO sufferers like myself (for all of you non-millenials out there, FOMO is an abbreviation for
I gave up Facebook for Lent three years ago. I did NOT realize how much of my life was tied to the site until this weekend, my first FB-free days in quite some time. My Spotify account is linked to it. My coupon apps are linked to it. My Pinterest is linked to it. My Instagram is linked to it. My Bible App is linked to it. My life is tied to Facebook.

So, what good is this little cleanse doing for me after three days?!
Other than me not getting my normal savings at Target and the likes, I am already seeing a difference!

Yes, I'm guilty of filling some of my previously-allocated FB time to Instagram and my Horoscope, but I have already noticed that when I'm watching TV, I'm actually watching the program. At work, I have found other things to fill that "empty" time (Watch TEDtalks. They're magical!). When I am hanging out with friends, I am not constantly on my phone. Yes, I am still texting. I still send stupidly ugly-faced Snapchats. I still play games and look up music videos. Despite my still-technically-infused life, I am not as distracted by Facebook throughout my day.

Facebook is great, and I miss it (yep, that sounds super pathetic as I type it) but I have realized that a balance needs to be created in my life so that I am not as relient on a cyberworld of connection.

ON THE DOWN SIDE. None of you are going to see this for another week and a half! That's okay though, it'll help me see how many of these views are from a constant readership ;)

When a Heart Breaks.

“A broken heart will turn into a stronger one within hope.”― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Two weeks is still fresh break up, but let me tell you, I have learned more in the last 2 weeks than I have in a long time. Don't worry. I'm not going to get all sad and mopey on this post. Not intentionally at least.

We all will go through a broken heart at some point and it just plain blows. You realize how many little moments remind you of the person you no longer "get" to think about all day, every day. The radio is an evil torture device. Your clothes are reminders of dates or activities. Restaurants are dangerous memory traps.

Despite the pain that some of these things bring, other things can be brought along with them. Sometimes the hurting brings a sense of release, sometimes the hurting brings a sense of strength, and sometimes the hurting brings a chance to let everything go.

This breakup has sucked so majorly. However crappy it is, though, I have learned these key principles of Broken-Heartedness:


I am allowed to be vulnerable.
I hate being vulnerable. Don't get me wrong, I have always been an emotional person, but being vulnerable is a double edged sword when it comes to being loving. I was recently talking to another friend who is going through a recent and rough breakup, and we talked about how sucky it was to be the one to love so fiercely. Loving hard unfortunately means opening ourselves up for a potentially hard fall. As our conversation went on though, we realized that loving deeply is what makes us who we are, and that we receive so much love from those around us BECAUSE we are able to love hard. That vulnerability is our strength and we can't be afraid to let that love be strong and open.

There is some darn good break-up music out there.
I have two really wonderful women in my life who have made some STRONG break-up mixes. There's just something about belting Beyonce as you fly down the freeway on a sunny morning, thinking to yourself, "Heck ya, Beyonce... What goes around DOES come back around!"

Getting hit on is the most empowering, yet heart-wrenching thing to follow a breakup.

Just days after getting a big fat slice of Dumping Pie, I was somehow convinced to go out to a bar where my ex- and I went whenever we decided to actually get off of Netflix. This could have been a dangerous decision (one that I wouldn't recommend unless you are feeling particularly empowered), but thankfully I had some really wonderful women to encourage me to enjoy myself! At this bar, we quickly found the most Bro-tastic guy I have ever seen, and some how, I caught his eye. I have never been so aggressively hit on in my life, and thankfully my sharp-tongued wit was on point, because I was able to hold my own, in my sassy, classy and smart-assy responses. As I got in my car to leave, alone might I add, I thought to myself, "Oh yeah... I still got it!" It felt wrong and uncomfortable and made me miss the 'absentee' so much, but at the same time, I was able to realize that, eventually, I will be okay with (maybe even look forward to!) someone else flirting with me. It will be okay.

People who you wouldn't expect to be there, are there for you.

I am still amazed at how many people continue to check in on me. Not just to get the drama or the he-said-she-said, but people who genuinely care about my well-being. To those friends who have done so and are reading this, I value you more than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me.

Breakups are crappy for everyone.

I wish I could say that this break-up was a clean one, that when we ended things, all communication stopped. Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. In the grand scheme of things, it has been a good break-up, in the sense that we both love each other so much and truly want the other person to be "okay". No matter what side of the break-up you are on, it's hard. If it's not hard, you didn't/don't truly care for that person, and good thing y'all broke up. 

Little tears are better than big breakdowns.

My mom, God bless her, keeps reminding me that a few little tears here and there are okay. They're normal. They keep you from full blown LOSING IT.

Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I can be stronger than I realize.
When everyone told me I was being so strong, and that I was handling it so well, I wanted to punch them all in the faces, not because of what they said, but because I didn't feel good. I felt like I was going to throw up every fifteen minutes, and I cried more frequently than that. I felt as weak as a blade of grass. But I realized that they were right. I was being strong. I got out of bed every morning. I slapped a smile on my face... sometimes real, and sometimes about as real as Heidi Montag's third set of boobs. I made sure to eat (most of the time), and I took care of myself. That is how I realized that I was being strong. I wasn't doing it for a show, or to get more people to say that I was "doing so well," but I was doing it to make myself well, to make myself strong. Becoming strong is not revenge, it's resilience.

I'm still learning about this breakup. I'm learning that my perspective changes more than I blink and that I am capable of a LARGE range of emotions. But I'm learning. That's what breakups are for in my opinion, to learn about how you handle crap. To have a broken heart is to work on a gigantic puzzle without all of the pieces. Eventually though, you realize your puzzle is just part of the bigger puzzle, and with even more inspiration and determination, and help from another puzzle master, you make a seriously epic piece of work.

I started with a quote, so I will leave you with one that resonates within me as I write. 2014 is the year of positive thoughts, my dears.

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” -- (Unknown)

XoXo. 

How do you stay positive in a break up?

You don't. At least not immediately, but you'll get there eventually, or so they keep telling me.

It caught me pretty off guard. And I'm not okay with it yet.

I am the queen of helping my friends through the tough times. I find solace in being able to care for my "babies" that need me. Call that my maternal instinct or whatever else you want. I love being able to give them the self confidence to make it through a bad breakup, family issues or whatever else the world can throw at them.

When it's my turn, though, I am lost.

I hate pity parties. I hate weakness. I hate moping. I'm not good at it because I hate watching it in other people. I WANT to be the girl who is comfortable letting others take care of her in my time of need. But I'm not comfortable with that. It takes a lot of self discipline on my end to let people sit me down and tell me it's okay to be sad. It takes a lot of self-discipline to let myself be sad. To not say "Shake it off Cowgirl", while bucking up and get over it immediately. Um hello, it hasn't been 24 hours. You CAN be sad, Sarah. It's allowed and it's a good thing (or so they tell me), because it means it was real.

But I don't want it to be real, because real means over. I want it to be a bad dream.

HOWEVER, it's not a bad dream. It's the real deal.

So how do you stay strong? Stay positive? Stay "okay"?

1) You let yourself be sad.
Damn. I'm gonna actually have to give in to the sucky-ness. But like all of my friends and family have said at this point, it's okay to be sad. It's better to be a loving soul that finds heartbreak than to be a cold soul who knows no love. And I agree with that completely. Relationships are beautiful gifts, regardless of how long they last. It's worth the sad if we get to experience the joy.

2) Ask for support.
I suck at this. I essentially moved my entire apartment by myself in 100 degree weather because I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by asking them for help. Breakups are only harder when experienced alone. If you think about it, most of the time you're losing your best friend, the one you tell everything, the one who knows you the best (or damn near it). It's the support net that will help you get through the times where you want to tell them about the delicious mexican place you just tried or the crazy customer at work. You need the support of your friends who will tell you, "you're a catch" and mean it with every ounce of their beings.

3) Pray. A lot. And hard.
Pray for him. Pray for you. Pray for strength in your future and pray for thanks in your past. Pray for wisdom and self-confidence. Most importantly, pray for peace. For both of you. Breakups are not easy for either party. Ever. So pray that the other person can find strength and thanks and wisdom and self confidence. Prayer is the most healing thing you can do.

4) Buck up.
This step is only allowed after the completion of the first three phases. This one takes time and a little bit of pain but you cannot be the person who wallows forever. Sure, it's easier to mope, but goodness it sucks. Take your time in this phase; I know it's going to take a long time until I get to this point. But, eventually, I will be there. Eventually, we all make it through the fireswamp.

5) Forgive.
Sometimes this takes years. Sometimes it takes hours. Wherever it lands you, forgiveness is the ultimate release, revenge and restoration. Work hard to achieve that moment where you can be thankful for that person's presence in your life and forgive them for the hurt you felt.

I want to go home and make my family hang out with me until they annoy me to the point of getting over my problems. I want to lay in bed and cry. All day. For a few days. But I will not succumb to the pain. I will take my own advice and I will use it to help me grow. It will not harden me, nor change me, but it will adjust me.

2014 is the year of positive thoughts and I will wake up every morning with a grateful heart knowing that I AM a catch and that I AM a pretty darn fabulous person, dangit. It's going to be immensely hard to stay positive and you're all going to help me stay accountable.

Positive thoughts lead to positive words, positive words lead to positive actions, and positive actions lead to a positive outlook.

Stay positive. XOXO.

Homesick for College

The place that I was raised is 273 miles away. I am used to homesickness.

My family lives 2,494 miles away. I am VERY used to homesickness.

First of all, let's talk about the term "homesick."  When I say homesick, I'm not talking about four walls and a roof. I'm talking about the laughter after your sister says something stupid. I'm talking about the wrestling match with your brother. I'm talking about watching Gilmore Girls with your dad (yes, I said dad... sorry for blabbing your secret, Pops). I'm talking about going on walks with your mom and discussing life. I'm talking about the RELATIONSHIP of HOME.

When my family moved accross the country, I went from an illusion of independece to a reality of literally being on my own. I went from home being just a few hours away in case I needed anything, even just a hug, to needing 18 hours and four planes to wrap my arms around my mom and dad. It was shocking and hard to get used to at first (let's be real; it's still not easy). The homesickness I felt back then was strong and the three hour time difference made it even harder to talk to the ones that I love.

Thankfully, as the time passed, Oregon State slowly started becoming the home I created for myself. It wasn't the same as being with my family (which is what I associate 'home' with, since they are no longer living in my childhood home), but I started to find a group of people that became my "adopted family". I had friends who brought me into their childhood homes. Their siblings became like my siblings. They hugged me when I needed hugs.

It wasn't the same as being home but it became MY home.

Four years later. I'm homesick again. But this time, instead of being homesick for my biological family I'm homesick for my college family. I miss having a hangout spot on the couch in my favorite coffee shop. I miss the friends that lived within walking distance. I miss going to Sharri's for horrible breakfast food at 3am. I miss the REALTIONSHIP of COLLEGE.

There was an article that went viral last year, right around the time I graduated college, called The Opposite of Loneliness . This article knocked me on my butt the first time I read it, and continues to do so a year later. It came from the Yale Daily News (the real one, not the Rory Gilmore version) and was written by a young woman, Marina Keegan, who was destined to do big things, yet her biggest fear was losing the "people, an abundance of people, who are in this together."

Yale is full of tiny circles we pull around ourselves. A cappella groups, sports teams, houses, societies, clubs. These tiny groups that make us feel loved and safe and part of something even on our loneliest nights when we stumble home to our computers — partner-less, tired, awake. We won’t have those next year. We won’t live on the same block as all our friends. We won’t have a bunch of group-texts.

This scares me. More than finding the right job or city or spouse – I’m scared of losing this web we’re in. This elusive, indefinable, opposite of loneliness. This feeling I feel right now. - Marina Keegan, Yale Daily News (2012)

Unfortunately though, her story ran just days after she was killed in a tragic car accident. But Marina had the right idea. She knew that she was blessed with the people who related, who experienced, and who lived the opposite of loneliness. They lived life together. Even if they weren't going through the same things, they were doing it together.

In college, I was blessed to make the closest friends I've ever had. We went through deaths, through breakups, through financial instability, through hangovers, through aced tests and failed exams, through engagements, through everything. It isn't until you don't see your friends regularly that you realze how much you love them.

I had this epiphany on Tuesday Night when I reconnected with some of my MUPC alumni buddies. We talked about life and jobs and memories of our crazy events and I realized how much I had missed them. I also realized that I am so lucky that I DO miss them. It means that our lives shared a special experience and it would always bond us.

So, yes, I am extremely homesick for the 20-ish friends who would come over for dinner parties once a month. I'm homesick for the study groups. I'm homesick for the friends who would pull me onto the dance floor when a boy was hurting my feelings. I'm homesick for the wine nights... all the wine nights. I'm homesick for sitting on the MUPC couches playing the Sausage Movie game and giggling like the immature goobers that we were (and still are).

But I am SO DARN GRATEFUL for those silly moments, those hugs and those tears, those life moments. The reminiscing and the memories are about more than my degree I earned and the massive amount of debt I accrued. They are about the love I earned and gave so willingly.

IT'S WORTH THE HOMESICKNESS.

KEEP GOING: When LIFE hands you lemons, you make a Lemon Meringue Pie.

There was a point this year where I didn't know that lemons could produce anything sweet. They were sour, and made me make a face that semi-resembled this little guy.

(Image from Pinterest)

But way less cute.


Let me tell you, I had plenty of lemons. I hated my job, the weather was (in true Oregon style) dismal, I didn't feel like I had many friends in this town that I had begun to call home, and my support system was scattered all over the country. It's not like anyone was dying or I was out on the streets or anything, but things weren't all unicorns and rainbows.

At that point, my mantra was hard to believe, and even harder to maintain. But there was a saying that my one of my god-awful volleyball coaches from high school always said; "Fake it til you make it." 

SO THAT'S WHAT I DID. Because there is always a reason to keep going. At the time, I wanted to give up and poop out on this new challenge of being a grownup. I somehow managed to push through. How, you may ask?
 
Well here it goes, Sarah's fool-proof reasons why you NEED keep going:

Life gives you seasons.
There is not a person on this earth who is happy all the time. There is not a person on this earth who has not seen a bad-hair day, or a stubbed toe, or felt like they were all alone... literally or figuratively. We all see the sunny days and we all see the gloomy days. To be as cliche as possible, we wouldn't see the good if we didn't have the bad to compare. Now, sometimes there comes a point where you have a hard time remembering the good, but as the great Albus Dumbledore once said, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Gee, that dude is smart...

You are not a starving child in Africa.
And if you are, I apologize that you're seeing this blog instead of some cool and inspiring thing that the internet could provide. My point here is it could be worse. Just because it could be worse, doesn't mean it doesn't suck. When I had to eat pb&j sandwiches and plain spaghetti noodles with butter for a week because my "full time job" couldn't afford me any food, I was pretty bummed. However, I had SOMETHING to eat. I was not starving. Sure, I was hungry and bummed with my lack of options, but I wasn't starving. It could be worse, so take a moment to be thankful for what you have.

Pity Parties are made for cowards.
There is nothing that I hate more than pity parties. You can ask ANY of my closest friends and family members. I do not tolerate a woe-is-me attitude. Sure, we all need to relinquish defeat to our hard times on occasion, but if you get stuck on it, I'm probably going to slap you into reality and out of your whine sesh. While we're sticking with the Dumbledore quotes, let's view my absolute favorite quote by the genius himself; “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” If you are cowardly and obsessing over how sucky your life is, you're going to lead a sucky life. Time to suck it up, put on your big kid panties and make some changes.

Someone is cheering for you.
It might not feel like it but, even if it's just me, SOMEONE out there wants you to succeed. Maybe it's your mom, or your grandpa, or your little brother, or your second grade teacher, or a stranger you met at work. SOMEONE is rooting for you. If you ever need to hear that someone is cheering you on to keep going, let me know. I will be your support system through the hardest of times, because that's what friends are for.

Somewhere out there is an opportunity of a lifetime.
This one takes a lot of faith and even more persistence. Who knows what it is? It could be taking a trip to Haiti to work at an orphanage. It could be mentoring a group of at-risk individuals. It could be taking a job at a company you have always enjoyed but didn't know what kind of opportunity it would lead to (cough... this one is me... cough). Whatever it is, you have to actively search it out. My dad always says that opportunity is about patience and preparation. You have to be actively preparing for something while patiently waiting to see what kind of options are out there. Whatever it is, keep going... You'll get there.


So, yeah... you've got some lemons... But you've got someone cheering you on; that's the sugar. You've got the bravery to not cave in on pity; that's the egg whites. You've got a lifetime of opportunity; that's the butter. You've got perspective and are thankful for what you DO have; that's the crust.

Yeah, you've got lemons, but without the lemons, you could not create such a beautiful and delicious Lemon Merigue pie (which is a metaphor for life, obviously...).

Because 2014 is the year of positive thoughts, I have been trying to maintain an opimistic outlook throughout the last 7 months, which was a lot easier at times than at others. Many times, I had to fake positivity, only to cry in the shower when I got home. But with all of these steps, I was led to an incredible job, a great sense of belonging, and a new apartment that is one of the home-iest places I've been in a while.

I am not a sad person. I am happy. I am extroverted. I am giggly and silly and sometimes immature. Lemons cannot, and will not, ruin that.

Remember that cute sour-faced baby? Here's another one, after trying a lemon as well, but an entirely different view on life... and lemons.


(Image from Pinterest)