Why the world needs more Strong Women, and less Hard Women.

Strength is such a broad and often generic word. He is so strong, she is so strong. Are you talking about a body builder or a cancer survivor? Are you talking about the kid who lost half of his leg, or the sexual abuse victim? Is it mental, is it physical, is it emotional?

I was thinking this morning on my drive to work about some of the women in my life. I've been blessed with a huge pool of female role models, from family members, to supervisors, to coworkers and friends. So many of these women have incredibly admirable qualities, one of the biggest of the bunch is their strength. I've also seen some women who take strength to a whole new zip code. They want to be strong so they become hard. They become unapproachable, cynical, and straight up rude. They go from women who have endured, to women who have calloused.

So, with two words that can sometimes be so similar and sometimes be so opposite, I decided to ask some of my loyal readers what they thought were the differences between hard women and strong women. Of course they didn't disappoint...

Well I feel like a strong woman knows when she is in a vulnerable position and can learn from that experience in order to become stronger or gain strength. A hard woman, I feel, is someone who is not emotionally stable. Someone who puts on a facade of "Im too tough to cry even though I feel like my whole world is crumbling"- Gal, 24

The difference is the way they deal with difficult times and how many of those times they've had to deal with. - Guy, 26

A hard woman to me means cynical, cold, unfeeling. She lets the things in her life build walls around her heart. Strong women still have feelings. They let themselves feel things but they are mature enough to see what they can gain or learn from really tough experiences. - Gal, 25

First off let me say, a strong woman is very sexy. I'm not entirely sure why, but watching a woman confidently -not like a psycho though- put a man in his place cracks me up (insert shit eating grin here). She's classy, very smart, works her tail off. Plus she will rock the bedroom because, well, she knows her man wants it but will make him work for it, otherwise it wouldn't be a challenge. Hard women? To me that sounds like an old landlord of mine. Crazy ass "strong willed independent woman." Asks her husband to do things, then tears him a new one just to do it.Always in control. She's probably incredibly self conscious so she built walls and acted tough, then got angry when those walls kept people out. Strong women are legit, they are true. There isn't a whole made up story or layer of BS to cover up mistakes or heartbreaks. It's awesome. I think it's the confidence and the ability to realize a mistake is just a learning experience. - Guy, 24

So the general consensus is that strong women still feel. Hard women are flat liners.

To be honest, I expected people to interpret the strong woman vs. hard woman in terms of job-related qualities, but was surprised when the descriptions of the differences were personal characteristics. I thought  it was interesting that the four people I asked ALL addressed the question from a place of conflict. This question had no background info attached, so for all four individuals to relate it to how women react in conflict was fascinating to me.

I think it is SO important to encourage women to be strong without being hard. I know far too many millennial women (and women of other generations as well) who are heading down what I believe to be the unhealthier of the strong vs. hard decision. They get their hearts broken, they find conflict in work, or they give up on something and say "I will never let this happen again," when a strong women would say, "how can I learn from this?" By closing yourself off to opportunities because of a bad experience, how will you ever grow?! So you had a crappy boss... The whole industry isn't out to get you. You fell in love and it didn't work out? You're not going to die alone. You gave up on a dream? There's still time.... go get it.

Strong women have so much to offer. They are compassionate but stern. Driven but not obsessed. They are vulnerable but they also know when the pity party is over. A strong woman is aware of her self, but she is also aware of how she treats others. A strong woman teaches, a hard woman dictates. A strong woman strives to understand, a hard woman points the finger. If we become a generation of women that become too hard, we will lose sight of our resilient strength.

Even if you're not a woman reading this, it's important to encourage the women in your life to stay away from the callousness and lean toward the understanding. Learn from your experiences. Let them shape you but not change you. I love the quote by Michelangelo, "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it." This is the perfect analogy for staying strong without becoming hard. You have to make small adjustments in little pieces, but you don't change the material. You don't change yourself, you change the final product.

Question: Right Choice vs. Wrong Choice? Answer: FALSE.

We live in a generation that is obsessed with making the right choice.

It's all over our culture...

In movies:

The Dark Knight- Alfred: They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice.

If I Stay- Gayle Forman: Sometime you make choices, and sometimes choices make you. 

Pitch Perfect- Fat Amy: Sometimes I have a feeling I can do crystal meth.. But them I think; mmmm better not! (Maybe not the perfect example of choice, but it's Fat Amy, so it's great life advice...)

In books:

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban- Albus Dumbledore: It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. (It wouldn't be my blog if I didn't have an HP reference...)

Alice in Wonderland: Alice came to a fork in the road. "Which road do I take?" she asked.

"Where do you want to go?" responded the Cheshire Cat.

"I don't know," Alice answered.

'Then,' said the Cat, "it doesn't matter."   

And then there are just the badass quotes about choice:

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.
-Wayne Dyer

May your choices in life reflect your hopes, not your fears.- Nelson Mandela (BRILLIANT.)

Choose Happiness. - Some Dumb Pinterest picture 

I love the idea of choices. You have the capability of deciding how you want your story to go, how your direction moves and how you handle situations. But we live in a convoluted society that gives the impression that there is a RIGHT and a WRONG choice. Oh, how wrong that is....

My belief is that there is not a RIGHT and a WRONG choice. Yes, there are moral values that might be compromised in a decision. There are paths that are more desirable to the end result but there isnt a WRONG one.

Every choice you make guides you to the path of where you're supposed to be. I truly believe that our experiences shape us. I have been in some pretty rough places in the past. POSSIBLE OVER SHARE ALERT: For those of you who don't know, I was a victim of child molestation when I was seven years old. Many of you are gasping right now for one of two reasons; 1) Holy crap, I never knew that, or 2) Holy crap, why is she sharing that with the whole freaking internet?!

Well, the reasons I share this are : A) It's not my fault, and I'm not ashamed to talk about it, B) Talking about my history does not make me an attention whore, C) It's going to help me make my point about choices, D) Advocacy is best inspired by people who have gone through the situations and I am willing to talk about my experience with ANYONE as long as the conversation is about how to advocate for knowledge and support. **SIDE NOTE**If this is a cause you'd be interested in supporting, there's an incredible organization that helped me and so many others called the Children's Advocacy Center in Jackson County (for more info, click HERE )

I was so young when that happened to me and my conscious mind has blocked out a lot of what my little seven year old self went through. HOWEVER, I'd be lying if I said I was completely unaffected by my experience. Because I was so young, I don't know how I would have turned out if I hadn't gone through something so traumatic, but I know that telling my mom about what happened was my first BIG lesson on choices. I was told not to tell my parents, but I knew that wasn't what I should do. I told my mom. I made a huge choice. It would be considered a morally right decision by most, but many others in the situation similar to mine did NOT tell about what happened to them. Is that saying they made the WRONG decision? No. It's just a choice that can lead to a VERY different outcome for most people who were in my shoes.

Heavy stuff, sorry, but choices are a heavy topic. Way too many of my friends are afraid of making the wrong decision. They're too caught up in how their decision will be perceived. They're worried about doing what's right, even to the point of shutting down and panicking about their decision, making it so that nothing ends up coming from their situation (which is a choice in itself). But what if there isn't a right or wrong decision? What if there are just alternate endings? I think that goes back to the original premise of this blog, NO END IN SIGHT, taking something that is negatively viewed in our culture and then turning it to the positive. Eliminating the negative verbage.

Choices are beautiful.
The freedom of choice is something that we Americans take for granted very frequently. You can choose to go to college. You can choose to drop out of high school. Neither choice is right. Neither choice is wrong. Choices in life aren't a 2+2=4 equation. They're more like giving a crazy word problem from a physics exam to a group of sixth graders and asking them to come up with the back-story of why a train was traveling from Atlanta to HongKong. The reality is that each sixth grader will come up with a different story as to why/how the train was able to cross the ocean and multiple countries. None of the stories are right. Heck, the question is made up, right? And the idea of making all the right decisions is made up, too.

The real trick is to learn from your choices, to make a few mistakes, but to gain something from each experience. In my story, confiding in my mother set us up for a relationship that was strengthened to the core by a level of communication that we might not have had if I hadn't gone through what I did. I wouldn't have been able to advocate at City Hall as a third graader for an organization that truly saved so many children from terrible acts. I wouldn't have been able to get together with a group of young women through a teen mentorship program that taught me SO MUCH, about myself and about the resiliance of humans, period. I would never wish my scenario on anyone, but I also wouldn't change it because it made me the woman I am today.

Remember that your choices are important and still require much deliberation but breathe in the fact that you'll always have the ability to make a change in your situation.  Whatever choice you make is the right choice.

KEEP GOING: When LIFE hands you lemons, you make a Lemon Meringue Pie.

There was a point this year where I didn't know that lemons could produce anything sweet. They were sour, and made me make a face that semi-resembled this little guy.

(Image from Pinterest)

But way less cute.


Let me tell you, I had plenty of lemons. I hated my job, the weather was (in true Oregon style) dismal, I didn't feel like I had many friends in this town that I had begun to call home, and my support system was scattered all over the country. It's not like anyone was dying or I was out on the streets or anything, but things weren't all unicorns and rainbows.

At that point, my mantra was hard to believe, and even harder to maintain. But there was a saying that my one of my god-awful volleyball coaches from high school always said; "Fake it til you make it." 

SO THAT'S WHAT I DID. Because there is always a reason to keep going. At the time, I wanted to give up and poop out on this new challenge of being a grownup. I somehow managed to push through. How, you may ask?
 
Well here it goes, Sarah's fool-proof reasons why you NEED keep going:

Life gives you seasons.
There is not a person on this earth who is happy all the time. There is not a person on this earth who has not seen a bad-hair day, or a stubbed toe, or felt like they were all alone... literally or figuratively. We all see the sunny days and we all see the gloomy days. To be as cliche as possible, we wouldn't see the good if we didn't have the bad to compare. Now, sometimes there comes a point where you have a hard time remembering the good, but as the great Albus Dumbledore once said, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Gee, that dude is smart...

You are not a starving child in Africa.
And if you are, I apologize that you're seeing this blog instead of some cool and inspiring thing that the internet could provide. My point here is it could be worse. Just because it could be worse, doesn't mean it doesn't suck. When I had to eat pb&j sandwiches and plain spaghetti noodles with butter for a week because my "full time job" couldn't afford me any food, I was pretty bummed. However, I had SOMETHING to eat. I was not starving. Sure, I was hungry and bummed with my lack of options, but I wasn't starving. It could be worse, so take a moment to be thankful for what you have.

Pity Parties are made for cowards.
There is nothing that I hate more than pity parties. You can ask ANY of my closest friends and family members. I do not tolerate a woe-is-me attitude. Sure, we all need to relinquish defeat to our hard times on occasion, but if you get stuck on it, I'm probably going to slap you into reality and out of your whine sesh. While we're sticking with the Dumbledore quotes, let's view my absolute favorite quote by the genius himself; “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” If you are cowardly and obsessing over how sucky your life is, you're going to lead a sucky life. Time to suck it up, put on your big kid panties and make some changes.

Someone is cheering for you.
It might not feel like it but, even if it's just me, SOMEONE out there wants you to succeed. Maybe it's your mom, or your grandpa, or your little brother, or your second grade teacher, or a stranger you met at work. SOMEONE is rooting for you. If you ever need to hear that someone is cheering you on to keep going, let me know. I will be your support system through the hardest of times, because that's what friends are for.

Somewhere out there is an opportunity of a lifetime.
This one takes a lot of faith and even more persistence. Who knows what it is? It could be taking a trip to Haiti to work at an orphanage. It could be mentoring a group of at-risk individuals. It could be taking a job at a company you have always enjoyed but didn't know what kind of opportunity it would lead to (cough... this one is me... cough). Whatever it is, you have to actively search it out. My dad always says that opportunity is about patience and preparation. You have to be actively preparing for something while patiently waiting to see what kind of options are out there. Whatever it is, keep going... You'll get there.


So, yeah... you've got some lemons... But you've got someone cheering you on; that's the sugar. You've got the bravery to not cave in on pity; that's the egg whites. You've got a lifetime of opportunity; that's the butter. You've got perspective and are thankful for what you DO have; that's the crust.

Yeah, you've got lemons, but without the lemons, you could not create such a beautiful and delicious Lemon Merigue pie (which is a metaphor for life, obviously...).

Because 2014 is the year of positive thoughts, I have been trying to maintain an opimistic outlook throughout the last 7 months, which was a lot easier at times than at others. Many times, I had to fake positivity, only to cry in the shower when I got home. But with all of these steps, I was led to an incredible job, a great sense of belonging, and a new apartment that is one of the home-iest places I've been in a while.

I am not a sad person. I am happy. I am extroverted. I am giggly and silly and sometimes immature. Lemons cannot, and will not, ruin that.

Remember that cute sour-faced baby? Here's another one, after trying a lemon as well, but an entirely different view on life... and lemons.


(Image from Pinterest)

What I learned from a job I HATED.

Today is a really great day. It's cold and rainy outside despite it being June 27th, but it's a great freakin' day.

"Why, Sarah?! Why is today a great freakin' day?!"

Today is the last day working a job I truly dreaded every single morning when I left for work. It has been quite the task, trying to stay optimistic and learn from a job that I had initially expected so much from. When people asked me what I was learning in this position, it was hard for me to come up with a valid answer. I didn't really learn much about the industry. I didn't really learn any new skills. I didn't really learn the key to my eternal happiness... Well, that escalated quickly...

However, this morning when I sat down at my desk, I had a few things come to mind. It was like popcorn going off inside my brain, "Oh you learned this and this and this...."

What had I learned from a job that I hated?

That I am adaptable. To an extent.
It constantly amazes me that we as humans are able to adapt and change depending on our surroundings. My jobs in college were exciting, loud, inventive and full of life, but I adapted into a cubicle with little noise and lots of whispering. That wasn't as bad as it sounds. I also was able to adapt what little technology I had access to in order to make the projects successful, like creating graphs and diagrams in Paint. Yes, I said Paint, like the program you used to color on your parents computer when you were little. I also learned that our generation is much more adaptable to change. We're used to constantly learning new technological programs and we've been raised around constantly changing economics. We know that things happen quickly and that you have to keep up so you don't get left behind.

To stand up for myself.
I kind of HAD to learn this one. I was being emotionally trampled and manipulated. All it took was one coworker to come up and ask if I was okay (after about two months with the company) before I broke down into an ugly girl cry at the reception desk. I didn't realize how badly the negative workplace atmosphere was effecting my self-worth. At that point, my bawling made a scene (or at least it felt like it did), so the issues I was upset about finally made it to the front lines. I was brutally honest when talking with my supervisor about the things that bugged me and a few things actually changed. Finally, being forced to stand up for yours truly caused an increase in my self-confidence.

When to let things go.
I learned very quickly to choose my battles. It was the A-team against me on a few of my early issues with my supervisors. I realized that many times, my tasks were taken from me (not because I couldn't handle them) and I had to choose which ones to fight to retain.

How to work with the most unintelligent human on the planet.
Yep, I found this person. You can spell things out so that a fourth grader could do it but this person will still have questions. Working with such a difficult individual has not only given me a bajillion more grey hairs, but this person has helped me learn to hold my tongue. Many times, I let little sarcastic comments fly but I tried very hard to learn how to be graceful in the face of frustration.

That I have been very blessed with amazing coworkers and supervisors in my past.
Wowza, this one is so true. I have always known how big of a blessing my former coworkers and bosses have been, but this job made it even more obvious. Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed the company of a handful of my cowrokers here but nothing like the camaraderie that I've seen elsewhere (SHOUT OUT TO J-Stop and MUPC). Also to the crazy awesome bosses in my past work experiences... I am who I am and I have the incredibly high work-place standards that I have because of the communities you created. Erin and Linda, I'm talking to you two ladies in particular :)

That I am a creative worker.
This position left absolutely no room for creativity. I don't mind routine and I don't mind data. But when you have nothing to do and very little creative freedom in the tasks you're actually assigned, you start missing that creation and independence.

That boredom is NOT my friend.
I LOVE being busy. Not in a "Holy crap I need to stay until midnight and work every night" kind of way, but in a "I constantly have something to do" kind of way. When you have 2 hours total of work in an 8 hour work day, you learn a whole new type of boredom and let me just tell you, it's absolutely exhausting. I'm looking forward to projects and tasks.

And last but certainly not least.
I learned that I LOVE blogging.
It's funny and completely unrelated to my job, but I think that this blog is my biggest take away from this whole experience. I had tried blogging in the past but hadn't found a real purpose behind my writing. NOW, I have found an edge, an excitement and an outlet to discuss what we're going through in our early twenties. I may not be a Carrie Bradshaw, but I have truly enjoyed the conversations that have sprung up through the course of the last two months. I've had mature conversations with friends about the issues in their lives. I've learned about the things to which people truly need support. I've gotten texts and emails saying that the things we're talking about here completely relate to what they're going through in life and that it's been nice to know that we're in it together. This blog has been a huge reason why I feel like my life has taken a more positive path and it comes from the conversations I've had around these topics.


Because of you readers, I have pushed myself toward a more positive outlook and in the last year, that hasn't been easy. In the last 12 months, I have graduated college, sifted through 4 jobs, moved twice (three times if you count my move in the next two weeks), thought I fell in love, then ACTUALLY fell in love, lost -and gained- friendships, fought depression, and made it out alive. Man, the last year has been a doosie. But with a positive outlook, I really believe that there is no end to this progress in sight.

Cheers to the next phase, my dears.

So much change, so little time.

I'm moving in a little over a month. For those who know me... Yes. I'm moving again. This will be the seventh time in 5 years. If I were in high school they'd call me an army brat. Or a gypsy. I also just had my second round of an interview for a company that truly excites me. I've lost ten pounds by working my butt off at the gym. My boyfriend is moving up to Portland within the next few months. This will be the first time we've lived in the same town in the seven months we've been together.

You're thinking, "COOL SARAH. Just throw out other random pieces of information. It's not like we actually wanted to read something relevant to our lives or anything."

Well, I guess I'll get to the point.

THERE'S A LOT OF CHANGE HAPPENING.

Normally, I turn into freakout mode Sarah when a lot of change begins to occur. I mean seriously... I'm human! Humans don't like change!

But here's the thing. As much as I don't like change, I actually love change. Why may you ask? Oh Okay... stop begging, I'll tell you.


Change is scary.
I'm not a fan of the terror that accompanies horror movies, or the fear that comes with sitting next to a dying loved one. What I am a fan of is adrenaline. When you're going through significant life changes, you get pumped with adrenaline. Sometimes those things give you a rush that gets you through the scariness.

Change is necessary.
"If there were no change, there would be no butterflies."- Some dead dude.
On a more serious note, if there wasn't change, there would be no growth. There would be no chocolate chip cookies. There would be no statue of Winged Victory. Change must take place to make room for new ideas, new growth, new awesome experiences.

Change makes you reevaluate where you're at in life.
It makes you look at where you're at, where you're going, who you want to be with, what makes you YOU. The changes I'm going through have caused me to look at relationships. They have caused me to figure out what's important in my life right at this moment in time.

I'm sitting here at work. I'm sitting here watching the news. I'm sitting here watching the coverage about a school shooting 8.6 miles from where I work. One student was killed and a teacher was injured. Even though I don't know anyone who attended this school, didn't know the teachers, the first responders or anyone else involved, I know that this act of selfishness and terror was done in my community, and that's pretty freaky.

I'm not saying this school shooting was change that should have happened, but it did. These kids, these teachers, these community members witnessed an event that will change their lives. This change was scary but hopefully, everyone will see a change that keeps kids safer and helps individuals with mental health issues. Despite the fact that I was virtually un-involved, this is change that will effect me, and it sure as heck has caused me to reevaluate where I'm at in life.


Change is not a bad thing. Like I said, it's scary and it takes a lot to overcome, but change is good. It keeps you on your toes and helps you to develop your path.

Make a good change today.

This isn't a speed bump, this is freakin' Everest.

I have some seriously amazing people in my life, and I don't know why, but they have been dealt a ROUGH hand of cards lately. Some of my dearest friends are dealing with depression, heart break, cancer, death of loved ones, divorce, weight issues, hospitalizations and other crazy things.

I HATE seeing the people I love get hurt by the world. I know they hear words of 'support' like "You just need to find some better coping mechanisms," or "God wouldn't give you something you couldn't handle,"or my favorite, "Well, it could be worse."

People try these methods of encouragement and sometimes they help, but sometimes a situation is so devastating that it's hard to come back to "normal". So how can we help as the bystanders of the ones we love so dearly?


Check in with them.
Sometimes, people who are going through these life-changing experiences are afraid or embarrassed to talk about what's going on. It's our job as friends/family/partners to be the one to see how they're doing. Also, with a big life change, many people could be asking about things so the person could lose track of who they've told what. Just a little text/snapchat/phone call could make the world of difference.


Research what they are going through.
I recently had a friend who was hospitalized for a pretty serious condition. When I learned what it was called, I took things into my own hands and looked it up so that he wouldn't have to explain it all, like I'm sure he'd done a bajillion times. Once I knew what was going on, I was able to be there as a friend when I visited instead of giving him the grill as to what had happened.

In another case, I have a very, very dear person in my life that is suffering through a strong bout of depression. Depression is one of the most crippling things to watch as an un-involved party. There's very little you can do to help, and in this case, it's from afar. In this situation, my research led me, basically, to the first recommendation on this list. I've vowed to call this person at least once a week to check in and to listen which brings me to the next tip.


Be there. Even if it's not in person.
Let them rant, let them scream, let them cry for 10 minutes on the phone without saying a word while you whisper, "You're going to make it through this." The presence of another person that cares about you can be one of the most healing feelings, in my personal opinion. When I was going through some rough stuff recently, having someone there to hug me and pat my back while I whined and unearthed my true feelings helped me immensely in my coping.


Ask them how you can help.
Maybe the person is not a hugger. Maybe the person needs someone to watch her kids while she takes a walk by herself. Maybe the person is ill enough to the point that they cannot get up to cook a healthy meal. Maybe they need a shoulder to cry on. Whatever they need, you need to volunteer yourself as a helper. A lot of times, people will avoid asking for help so see if you can read into it if they say "No, I'm fine... Thanks though!" Obviously, I'm not telling you to force your way into their business, but sometimes stepping in wherever you see an opportunity is a great way to volunteer help that they may not know they needed.


Most importantly, PRAY for them.
Whether you pray to God, Buddha, or a rock, send good vibes out into the universe for healing. I know in my personal life, I find myself so panicked and not knowing where to go in situations that I cannot control. One of my favorite bible verses of all times , and one of the only ones I actually have memorized, is Jeremiah 29:11.

 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This verse always gives me a sense of strength that could only be described as divine. I know that whatever challenges I am facing are teaching moments. Yes they hurt, they're scary and sometimes you really shake your head as His "sense of humor", but the goal in the long run is betterment and hope.


Like I said, It's horrible watching our favorite people go through hard times, but the best thing we can do is be a network of support. As one of my friends said recently, "We just have to love them hard."

Encourage strength and support, because this isn't the end. There's no "end" in sight.