10 Reasons why you're torn between Dating and Staying Single.

It's Friday night. You're sitting on the couch with your fuzzy blanket binge watching Netflix, adorned in sweatpants and bits of popcorn that have spilled out of your giant bowl. #NOSHAME. We all do it. But part of you thinks, maybe, just maybe, it would be nice to do this with someone else. Granted, for most people it would take a little while before hitting the comfort-of-tattered-sweatpants stage, but you think, maybe I should put myself back out there. You say to yourself, 'I could actually do my hair, throw on some real people clothes and try to catch me a suitor'! And then you look back into your bowl of popcorn and think... Nahhh, I'm good.

I can't be alone in that thought process. Dating is hard. But sometimes, so is being single. So why do we find ourselves torn between wanting to date and wanting to be single?

1) All your friends are in serious relationships.
You know when you were in middle school and you were learning about peer pressure? Your teacher would say, "Just because you think that all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you need to!" Well, the sex isn't the real peer pressure. They should have warned you about being the only 25 year old single friend at the six weddings you'll attend this summer. Now THAT is peer pressure.

2) I am still working on myself.
Cliche? Yep. True? Double yep! I am finding out what I want my life to look like, and that's a lot easier when it's just me.

3) I want attention...
Don't lie. If you're single, male or female, you love having someone notice you; having someone tell you that you're pretty or handsome; laughing at all the awkward newness of getting to know someone. It's fun! It gives you butterflies. Don't lie, you love it.

4) ... But I'm done with games.
Just because I want attention, doesn't mean I want to get hooked in and then played with those stupid games of who 'doesn't care' the most. Attention is fun, but only when it's genuine, and not given out to everyone like Halloween candy. Flirting is fun, watching you flirt with every single person you see is not fun. When I get back into dating, it will be a games-free zone.

5) I like making decisions based on MY needs. Not OUR needs. (But I will factor someone in when I need to.)
Right now, I'm allowed to be a little selfish. If I want to pick up and move to another city, I can. Because I'm only making decisions for one person instead of for a pair or family.

6) I'm not desperate.
Or I guess I should say, I'm not usually desperate...

7) I am dedicated to building my career.... Even though I am not quite sure what that is yet... 
As of right now, I have the freedom to be flexible in the job field by growing my resume. I can work a LOT. I can change jobs. I can join the circus... okay well I probably won't do that but I COULD. Basically, I'm evaluating my future.

8) I have moments where I ADORE being single...
Last minute change in plans? I don't have to check with anyone. I can binge Fuller House on Netflix for hours without judgement. I can get all dressed up to go out for Happy Hour with my girlfriends. I can flirt with a cute guy at the bar. I can hang out with my guy friends without worrying about someone getting jealous. I can do me and sometimes that's really great!

9) ...But I also look forward to sharing the dumb relationship stuff too.
Like trying out new restaurants on date night. Or holding hands for the first time. Or finding a new show that we are mutually obsessed with. Or meeting your parents for the first time. All the new and fun couple-y activities are awesome and I can't wait to do all the corny stuff when dating becomes a part of my life again.

10) I know what I want in a relationship.
I KNOW I'm not looking for a fling. I know that I want someone who's ambitious and driven. I want someone to take care of me and I want to take care of that special someone. I want my partner to be my best friend and my partner in crime. I want to be goofy and wrestle or dance around the living room. I don't want to waste my time with someone who does not share my core values. I have dated enough to have honed in some big factors of someone to spend time with intimately. It's time to be a bit more serious.

11) My time is valuable.

I'm not about to waste either of our time on something lukewarm. It's not fair to either of us to date, just so we aren't lonely. I want to be excited to go out with you. I want to have butterflies when I think you might kiss me. I don't want to get my hopes up for something that you view as 'casual'. I'm in it for the real deal, not just a free meal.

But when it comes down to it...
I don't want to be alone forever. So one of these days I'll have to date again. For now though, I'll pop that popcorn, flip on Fuller House and enjoy the time with my favorite partner. ME. 

When you ask "What's next?"

"What's Next?"

You whisper under you breath.
Knowing that you would be the only one to hear those two little words.
When you get to a point of exasperated questioning.
You just don't know.
How do I fit?
Where is my path?
You inhale, with the weight of the future on your chest.
You exhale all the stress that led up to it.
It sinks in that you don't know.
You just don't know.
And in that moment, the fear of the unknown cripples you.
Your always-planned-out life is so far from where you thought it would be.
Not in a bad way, just not where you expected.
But you mutter those little words into the sky.

"What's Next?"

The chaos is palpable.
Thoughts bounce from one realm to the next.
You asked it into the unknown.
The words leave your lips and fear starts to bubble.
The anxiety hits.
'I don't know what's next,' you think to yourself.
But then you feel it.
You feel the calm of knowing that you are taken care of.
The peace of not knowing, and being okay with that.
With closed eyes.
Hands open to receive whatever is meant to come your way.
Whatever your higher power, the universe, or the winds of change move into your life.
You are ready to accept it.
Because you asked that little powerful question.

"What's Next?"

The fear is still there. The questions haven't disappeared.
But you know.
Next is unknown.
Next is malleable.
You know that in the moments of uncertainty, Next will show it's face.
It will open it's arms and embrace your discomfort.
It will give you safe refuge.
It might not be easy, but it will be worth it.
You realize that giving yourself up so wholly to the universe creates a vulnerability that you have never known.
A vulnerability that is equally terrifying and empowering.

"What's Next?"

Despite the fear, there is comfort.
Comfort in knowing that your open stance will bring to fruition an adventure like none you have ever experienced.
You breathe again.
Deeper.
Stronger.
More powerful.
The crippling fear turns into an elixir of excitement.
You savor the sweet buzz of what could be.
All because you had the courage to ask yourself.

"What's Next?"

The three ways Instant Gratification ruins our lives and how we can stop it.

We live in a world of instant gratification. It's surrounding us.

There are drive-thru restaurants, coffee shops, liquor stores, banks, and equipment repair stations. You drive up, place your order, and within 5-15 minutes, you have your product. Instantly, your needs are met. We have immediate access to technology. We have internet at our fingertips, almost everywhere we go. You can pull up a youtube video on the train to work, or stream a movie when your child is misbehaving at the doctor's office. We have access to communication that lets us interact with people all over the world… for free… whenever we want. Facebook, Skype, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram. I have two separate friends who met the loves of their lives on Instagram. In DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. Crazy? Absolutely! Incredible? You're darn right. Romantic? Ummm, duh.

The point is, it's all immediate. Aside from waiting to meet your soul mate as they travel around the globe, we have access to a world that is right under our noses. Which can be a beautiful thing. Parents can meet their newborn children while serving their country in foreign wars. A post on twitter can help Mark Ruffalo find his cell phone in NYC within 20 minutes of losing it. Friendships can be created with people you never would have met in day to day life.

However, there is a flip side to a world of instant gratification. We get greedy. We get impatient. We get irritated quickly. I find myself regularly sighing with malcontent when my Pandora station takes forever to load the next song. I get annoyed when someone doesn't text me back quickly. I get frustrated when my GoogleMaps directs me to the wrong location. "No Siri! I do not want to be at McDonald's in China! I'm in Portland! UGH!"

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that despite the convenience, Instant Gratification is ruining my life, and this is how:

1. My Health Life.
How many Pinterest pins start with, lose 10 pounds in ten days? How many infomercials have ads for supplements that will help you "get rid of that problem area in two weeks or less!"? There are wraps, pills, shakes and even cookies to help you hit your goal weight. These 'Get Skinny Quick' diets are ruining our bodies. They are denying the nutrition we need to survive. They are creating an unhealthy lifestyle where our bodies can fluctuate so drastically, which takes it's toll. It's also creating a downward-spiraling body image issue. If you are unsuccessful at losing that ten pounds in ten days, are you more likely to jump on a treadmill to work even harder or are you likely to binge that pint of leftover ice cream in your freezer? Because we expect the immediate change we're accustomed to, giving up happens quite frequently. If we ARE successful with these schemes, they don't last. Unfortunately, the real way to make the fix is the hard way, the drawn out way, but the successful way; making the healthy life choices of clean eating and exercise.

2. My Dating Life.
Dating is not dead, it has just morphed into this ugly monster of instant gratification. You meet at a party, this cute guy gets your number, he texts you an invite to come over and watch a movie, you make out or whatever it may be, you leave, you don't get a text until next time he wants to "watch a movie." There is even a term for this type of hookup.... Netflix and Chill. (Barf. Why ruin the sanctity of Netflix?!) What happened to putting time into getting to know someone? What happened to grabbing coffee or dinner and learning what her favorite movie is, or her favorite author? Hook-up culture is something that is more common than dating these days. I'm not saying that there isn't a time and place for this, because there definitely can be, but I don't feel like it should be the norm. Our culture of instant gratification is to blame for that. Be patient. Get to know people. Date, like a real date. Put in the effort. Please.

3. My Concept of Time.
When we are immediately granted our needs, life moves at an increasingly fast pace. Every iPhone update includes, "Faster This" and "Streamlined That." Therefore when something takes two minutes to load instead of 12 seconds, we flip out. We get frustrated. We complain. When someone takes an hour to text you back, we take it personally. We get frustrated. We complain. Our time consciousness is off because we are so used to getting things right away. It's the ultimate first world problem. We lose the gratitude for all that we have access to and get angry over the little time inconveniences.


So yes, instant gratification is ruining my life but I have the power to stop that. I have the power to be patient, to put in effort, to have grace, to have compassion, to get to know people, to get to know myself. I will not expect things. I will live in the moment. And I will remind myself these things when I'm frustrated at Netflix, or at someone who cancels plans last minute.

I will be gratuitous, even if it doesn't come instantaneously.

Why it kills me to wait for your text.

I sit here looking at my phone every ten minutes. More like every ten seconds. I think to myself, "Maybe my phone accidentally got turned to vibrate. Maybe I just didn't hear the buzz of my text tone. Maybe I just didn't see my phone light up. Oh... It's on full volume. That light was from Instagram."

I have become that girl. The one who is waiting for your text. I have become my countless number of girlfriends whom I have lectured so many times. I'd say to them, "who cares if he texts you, you're bad ass with or without him," or "don't worry, I'm sure he is just trying not to seem clingy." They'd give me ten thousand reasons why he hadn't texted them. I would find some awesomely empowering Pinterest photo with a beautiful back drop and a cute handwritten font that would tell my friend that patience is important, blah, blah, blah.

So I tried doing all of those things to myself. I found a solid Instagram photo. I talked about it all day and got opinions from way too many people, all of which I respect, none of which I listened to. The opinions all went one of two very distinct and very opposite directions; some said that I should totally text him so he knows I'm interested, and the others told me to chill out and wait for him to make the next move. Either way, we're playing into this dating game.

The dating game is a tricky topic. I'm not talking about the 60's TV show where you get to pick a secret contestant based on his silly answers. I'm talking about the world of communication, of asking each other out, of trying to be just interested enough to keep them around, yet not too interested to seem obsessed. Games involve strategy, skill and motivation. All things that no one wants to hear about when dating is involved. A skillful dater sounds like someone who is afraid of commitment; you get the prize and then run to the next competition. A strategic dater sounds like someone who plays all the ladies; he is the ultimate player. A motivated dater sounds like a horny dude, trying to get some action. Regardless of which type of competitor is involved in your game, the point is that you're playing for individual trophies, when in reality, you want your team to win.

So as I sit here, wondering if he's playing some game, keeping myself distracted by building bookshelves and watching my roommate do the 'whip/nae nae' dance thing that I don't even understand, I will take a step back. I'll listen to the advice that I have given so many of my friends...

His loss if he's not interested. Awesomely exciting if he is. Regardless of whether I hear from him or I don't, it is not a direct reflection of me, or how I conducted myself when we hung out. I am funny, I am cool, I am smart, I am not reliant on the little buzz of a cell phone and I do not need any validation from anyone other than the voice inside my head. I am better than that; better than worrying about if you're interested.

Now time to put the phone away and go back to life.

I went home alone.

Last night, I left the bar alone.

I said goodnight to my friends and left the bar by myself.

Last night, I went out with a group of friends from college; both men and women, ZERO couples. Do you know how rare that is in a group of 20-somethings? And here's the kicker. There were zero couples AND no one was sleeping together. It was amazing. It was a group of friends going out to have a good time, and dammit, we had a good freakin' time. BUT, I swear it was single's awareness night because the amount of slow songs was off the chart. We all had our eyes peeled for the cutest guy or girl to walk by our little booth in the back of the bar.

I walked myself to my car and got in. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I got interested looks from a couple guys throughout the night, but none of them made an effort to come say hello. I was perfectly fine with that. In my camo t-shirt and shorts, I was not screaming, "pay attention to me!!" from the top of a skyscraper, unlike the girl in the skintight elastic black jeans and a flowy blouse that could better be described as a bra with sleeves. I danced a couple partner dances with some of my guy friends and danced a couple songs with a guy I'd never met. He was cute. He was just learning, so I helped him with a couple songs and then we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. Nothing more, nothing less.

I drove myself home, alone, singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs.

Last night, I watched as couples interacted. You could tell the first dates. You could tell the long-term couples. You could tell the pair standing at the bar railing who had never met before tonight. I love watching these couples, regardless of the stage in their relationship. Some people get really annoyed when they are single and surrounded by couples. I, however, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I love seeing the look in her eyes when he spins her on the dance floor. I love seeing him grin sheepishly when she shimmies his way during a line dance. It's fun to see the relationships as a completely uninvolved third party. Sure, they could have their struggles, but tonight, while they're dancing, or sitting at the bar, or whatever, they're in the moment. Enjoying the company of someone who has caught their eye.

I walked into an empty apartment, all the lights out, and got ready for bed by myself.

Last night, I had multiple instances where thoughts came into my head like, "I kind of wish that was me, so happy with my partner," or "look at how cute they are together," or sometimes, "gross... get a room people." But the truth was that I planned on going home alone. I could have gotten up the balls to approach one of the cute guys standing on the sidelines of the dance floor. I could have pulled out the "Flirty Me" side that exudes coy sarcasm and self-proclaimed quick wit. But I was too busy enjoying my evening. You'd think it would make me sad to see all the slow-dancing couples, paired off in twos, while I sat in a groups of ones. It didn't.

I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I snuggled under my Ikea comforter and counted my blessings for good friendships, lots of laughs and an evening of dancing my heart out. I also counted my blessings that I was home alone. Why? Because I would rather be at home, sprawled out starfish style in my full-sized bed, all by myself, than share my bed with someone who didn't want to be here for the right reasons. Sure, you can find someone to fill the vacant side of your bed. It's not that hard. But when you're lying next to someone who does not truly and deeply care about the side of the bed that you occupy, what's the point?

I left the bar alone, and I will do so until I have someone that makes me want to leave the bar with him by my side.

Dating is hard.

I'm bad at dating.
It's hard. I'm awkward and self-conscious, so add the possibility of an attractive man and my accident-prone levels sky-rocket. Add the reality of another awkward human being and we'll probably create an A-Bomb (Awkward, not Atomic...)

Despite it being stressful, dating can also be one of the most fun and insightful experiences that we go through. It can be exhausting. It can be a rollercoaster of emotions; fear, nerves, confidence, uncertainty, giddiness, excitement and SO many more. You're basically putting yourself on display in order for someone to analyze you... and vice versa.

It's intimidating and if you're anything like me (who hasn't dated a whole bunch), it can send you into a full-fledged tail spin into hyperventilation, all while throwing every outfit you own on the floor.

So what do you do when you're freaking out, ready to bail?! You seek comfort from the advice of loved ones. These people know you really well so they can't steer you wrong, right? Not always. As much as we adore these individuals, have you ever been given advice that makes you cringe?

I know I have. So I took to social media and asked:
What is the WORST DATING ADVICE YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN?

These are REAL TIPS that people have been given. So naturally, I want to spin them into Positives. I had a bunch of people weigh in and these are just a small, but relevant, portion of the responses.


BAD TIP: Laugh at ALL the other person's jokes.
Anyone remember Janice from Friends? Fake-laughing at all the jokes sends you on a guaranteed train to "Never-getting-a-second-date-ville." That is a surefire way to look like a crazy person. Crazy is not attractive.
BETTER TIP: Be yourself.
Oh how cliché, Sarah. Well, sorry. If you find something funny, laugh. If you don't, a polite smile is okay.


BAD TIP: Dress scandalously/Show cleavage.
Sorry guys, this one is not for you... or maybe it is and you're going to rock that hipster deep-V-neck tee. Showing off the goods isn't necessarily the way to your partner's heart. It might be a way to another body part, and if that's what your looking for, you might want to use this tip, but if you're not just looking for a hookup, then you might want to look into something else.
BETTER TIP: Dress confidently!
Obviously, you want to look nice. If a low cut top makes you feel confident, then by all means, ROCK IT! - but it's not necessary. Be comfortable. Confidence is way more attractive than baring it all uncomfortably.


BAD TIP: Try to find a fixer upper... Everyone likes a challenge, right? AKA "He/She will change"
I hate when people say this. Unfortunately, I've been told this one. You should not be searching to change someone. Obviously, people are going to develop in life, and people change, but you should not be trying to change the personality of the one you are dating. The term Fixer-upper will now and forever remind me of the song from Frozen.
BETTER TIP: Know what you want in a partner.
I'm not saying get out your checklist of physical attributes and start checking them off. What I'm saying is that if someone does not meet your 'non-negotiables' list, don't try and fit a square peg into a round hole. One example is that I will not date someone that smokes. I'm not going to try to force a smoker to become a non-smoker just to date me.


BAD TIP: Even if you don't see it going anywhere, go on the date... at least you'll get a free meal. (See also, order something expensive at dinner.)
Taking advantage of someone is rude. Straight up. Also, why waste either person's time?!
BETTER TIP: Be honest.
If you don't see it going anywhere, don't keep up the charade. Dating games are so high school. Also, who wants to sit at an awkward dinner for at least an hour, even if the food is good?!


BAD TIP: If you don't learn to eat salad, you'll never get a husband.
I hate this tip. I've also been told to eat a salad at dinner. SCREW THAT. I rarely eat a salad as a meal on my own. Also, I'm really bad at eating salads... or anything for that matter. I always drop food on myself (which is why I usually don't wear white to go eat...)
BETTER TIP: Eat whatever the hell you want.
If I want a salad, I'll get a salad. If I want a cheeseburger with onion rings and a milkshake, I'll get that. Don't try and fake it. You want to enjoy yourself. SO enjoy your food.


BAD TIP: Don't date someone who makes less money than you.
I can't believe this has actually been said.
BETTER TIP: Don't base your relationship on how much your partner makes!!!
If you are basing your relationship of a financial statement, you're a materialistic jerk. Duh.


BAD TIP: It's okay if you have different religious beliefs.
Okay this isn't a BAD thing, but it can make things more difficult. If one partner is extremely religious and the other is not, it can bring stress to the relationship later down the road when it comes to attending religious ceremonies/services/etc, getting married, and raising children. For the most part, I haven't been on the same page as my previous partners when it came to religion and it definitely caused a bit of discomfort in my relationships.
BETTER TIP: See if your belief systems align.
If faith and religion are important to you, then it's good to see where your similarities and differences lie. If they are not important to you, it's good to know where the other person stands and what they will expect in the future.

BAD TIP: Love will conquer anything.
Nope, it won't. Love won't conquer a drug addiction. Love won't conquer abuse. Love won't give you a "PASS GO FOR FREE" card. Love can help you through those things but it's not an excuse to do whatever you want and pull a Nicholas Sparks by saying, "Well our love will take us away together."
BETTER TIP: Communication will help conquer MOST.
Communication will not excuse cheating or a gambling problem, but it will help you work through some things. Talking it out helps you understand where the other person is coming from and it will help you find solutions and compromises.


BAD TIP: Well, He/she is nice.
Oh jeez people... Just because someone is nice and they like you does NOT mean you should be with them. Nice-ness is great but do you have anything in common? Do you desire more time with them? Do you see a potential with them? Nice is great. My dog is nice. That does not mean I want to date my dog.
BETTER TIP: Is she/he nice to other people?
See how your date treats everyone around them. This says a lot about a person. Do they hold the door open for strangers? Do they say thank you to the waiter at dinner? Do they complain about the service, even if it was okay? Seeing how he/she treats other people is one of my biggest turn ons/turn offs.


BAD TIP: Maybe you should start losing weight before you start dating.
Thank God no one said this to me, I would have bawled my eyes out. You do not have to be "skinny" to be loved. You do not have to be a certain size to be found attractive. I am so glad I don't know who said this because they would have gotten a piece of my mind.
BETTER TIP: Rock whatever body you've got.
Again it comes down to confidence. If you are comfortable, it will show, and that is sexy as hell.


BAD TIP: Ignore your gut feeling, you don't even know them yet.
FALSE. In every way. If someone give you the heeby-jeebys, trust your intuition. If you automatically think that you don't click, believe yourself. Obviously, you should get to know the person in order to determine these gut-reactions, but once you have spent some time with the person, trust your feelings.
BETTER TIP: Check in with how you feel.
Let yourself feel the feels. Was there a connection? Could you hear the sound of crickets chirping? Analyze where your feelings were after spending some time together.


BAD TIP: If a person isn't going to "lock you down in a relationship," show him/her you have other options.
This is so dumb on so many levels. Like I said earlier, playing games in a relationship is so dramatic and ridiculous. Honesty is where it's at. I have yet to hear someone say, "I love playing games in a relationship, especially when it comes to whether or not we're serious in this relationship." As the friend who told me this Bad Tip mentioned, it pushed them into a relationship that probably wasn't genuine in getting into it for the right reasons.
BETTER TIP: If a person isn't going to "lock you down" (don't even get me started on that phrase), THEN MOVE ON.
Don't waste your time waiting around or playing games for someone who clearly is not interested in the type of relationship you want. It's nothing against you. It's nothing against them. Some people want different things in a relationship. What a concept...

And my favorite one....
WORST TIP: Your standards are too high; you should lower them.
Yes, clearly you should settle for someone who does not fit what you want. It's like saying that you asked for the new iPhone for Christmas and someone got you a Nokia brick from 2005. I have heard this line before, "well, maybe the type you're looking for is just a figment of a Nicholas Sparks plot line." Um hello? I'm not looking for something incredibly specific. I didn't know that an educated Christian man with a little bit of country in his roots was a figment of a romantic novel. I think one or two of those exist out there...
BETTER TIP: Be realistic in your standards.
Generalized standards are great. Try not to be too specific. (i.e. 6'2" with wavy brown hair, turquoise eyes, a PhD in astrophysics and loves his favorite author Charles Dickens.) Having a list of non-negotiables is important, and knowing what you're willing to compromise on is good too. Standards should be a guideline, not a set of steadfast rules. When you know what you want though, why force things you don't want into that category? Someone will be unhappy.



Despite all of these crazy tips, dating can be fun and exciting. Stressful? Duh. But still exciting. If we don't do a bit of dating, how will we know what we do and don't want in a partner? It's crucial to learn about other people whom you might want a relationship with, but it also teaches you about yourself.

Dating (even though my dating resume is slightly small) continues to teach me a LOT about myself. It teaches me things that I bring to a relationship, like communication and compassion, emotional support and dorky awkward humor. It also teaches me that there are SO many types of awesome people out there.

It's hard, but dating is a great test. One that you can't really pass or fail, but keep attempting until you find a winner.

What are some of YOUR dating tips that have worked/not worked? I'd love to hear more!!

When a Heart Breaks.

“A broken heart will turn into a stronger one within hope.”― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut

Two weeks is still fresh break up, but let me tell you, I have learned more in the last 2 weeks than I have in a long time. Don't worry. I'm not going to get all sad and mopey on this post. Not intentionally at least.

We all will go through a broken heart at some point and it just plain blows. You realize how many little moments remind you of the person you no longer "get" to think about all day, every day. The radio is an evil torture device. Your clothes are reminders of dates or activities. Restaurants are dangerous memory traps.

Despite the pain that some of these things bring, other things can be brought along with them. Sometimes the hurting brings a sense of release, sometimes the hurting brings a sense of strength, and sometimes the hurting brings a chance to let everything go.

This breakup has sucked so majorly. However crappy it is, though, I have learned these key principles of Broken-Heartedness:


I am allowed to be vulnerable.
I hate being vulnerable. Don't get me wrong, I have always been an emotional person, but being vulnerable is a double edged sword when it comes to being loving. I was recently talking to another friend who is going through a recent and rough breakup, and we talked about how sucky it was to be the one to love so fiercely. Loving hard unfortunately means opening ourselves up for a potentially hard fall. As our conversation went on though, we realized that loving deeply is what makes us who we are, and that we receive so much love from those around us BECAUSE we are able to love hard. That vulnerability is our strength and we can't be afraid to let that love be strong and open.

There is some darn good break-up music out there.
I have two really wonderful women in my life who have made some STRONG break-up mixes. There's just something about belting Beyonce as you fly down the freeway on a sunny morning, thinking to yourself, "Heck ya, Beyonce... What goes around DOES come back around!"

Getting hit on is the most empowering, yet heart-wrenching thing to follow a breakup.

Just days after getting a big fat slice of Dumping Pie, I was somehow convinced to go out to a bar where my ex- and I went whenever we decided to actually get off of Netflix. This could have been a dangerous decision (one that I wouldn't recommend unless you are feeling particularly empowered), but thankfully I had some really wonderful women to encourage me to enjoy myself! At this bar, we quickly found the most Bro-tastic guy I have ever seen, and some how, I caught his eye. I have never been so aggressively hit on in my life, and thankfully my sharp-tongued wit was on point, because I was able to hold my own, in my sassy, classy and smart-assy responses. As I got in my car to leave, alone might I add, I thought to myself, "Oh yeah... I still got it!" It felt wrong and uncomfortable and made me miss the 'absentee' so much, but at the same time, I was able to realize that, eventually, I will be okay with (maybe even look forward to!) someone else flirting with me. It will be okay.

People who you wouldn't expect to be there, are there for you.

I am still amazed at how many people continue to check in on me. Not just to get the drama or the he-said-she-said, but people who genuinely care about my well-being. To those friends who have done so and are reading this, I value you more than you will ever know. Thank you for loving me.

Breakups are crappy for everyone.

I wish I could say that this break-up was a clean one, that when we ended things, all communication stopped. Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. In the grand scheme of things, it has been a good break-up, in the sense that we both love each other so much and truly want the other person to be "okay". No matter what side of the break-up you are on, it's hard. If it's not hard, you didn't/don't truly care for that person, and good thing y'all broke up. 

Little tears are better than big breakdowns.

My mom, God bless her, keeps reminding me that a few little tears here and there are okay. They're normal. They keep you from full blown LOSING IT.

Lastly, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I can be stronger than I realize.
When everyone told me I was being so strong, and that I was handling it so well, I wanted to punch them all in the faces, not because of what they said, but because I didn't feel good. I felt like I was going to throw up every fifteen minutes, and I cried more frequently than that. I felt as weak as a blade of grass. But I realized that they were right. I was being strong. I got out of bed every morning. I slapped a smile on my face... sometimes real, and sometimes about as real as Heidi Montag's third set of boobs. I made sure to eat (most of the time), and I took care of myself. That is how I realized that I was being strong. I wasn't doing it for a show, or to get more people to say that I was "doing so well," but I was doing it to make myself well, to make myself strong. Becoming strong is not revenge, it's resilience.

I'm still learning about this breakup. I'm learning that my perspective changes more than I blink and that I am capable of a LARGE range of emotions. But I'm learning. That's what breakups are for in my opinion, to learn about how you handle crap. To have a broken heart is to work on a gigantic puzzle without all of the pieces. Eventually though, you realize your puzzle is just part of the bigger puzzle, and with even more inspiration and determination, and help from another puzzle master, you make a seriously epic piece of work.

I started with a quote, so I will leave you with one that resonates within me as I write. 2014 is the year of positive thoughts, my dears.

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives.” -- (Unknown)

XoXo. 

Our generation's race to "the ring."

No I'm not talking about a quest to Mordor with Frodo and Samwise. 

I'm talking about our generation's obsession with marriage. "Mawwaige is what bwings us togevver today." (If you don't know what movie that's from... just go away. We can't be friends.) In the world where Pinterest plans out a single girl's imaginary wedding and there are more wedding magazines than political newspapers, we have become a generation that is obsessed with getting married. I'm not talking strictly about women either!

The other day I was talking to one of my dearest guy friends about some of my previous blog posts. Firstly, I was surprised he was reading it! (By the way, thank you everyone for reading!) Secondly, I asked him what things he related to the most and what he thought would be a good topic for discussion. He said that he related to a lot of the posts, from the financial blog to the career choices. But he brought up an interesting and honest topic for discussion: the pressure to get settled down and find "the right one." 

Naturally, I wanted to ask him more about the pressures males go through on this topic and what freaks him out about such a hot topic.

Me: What do you feel is the biggest pressure about settling down?

DUDE: Not getting it done in time. I work with a lot of older people who aren't married or just started their careers and it shows me how things could end up which is what I don't want to happen.

Me: Do you talk with your dudes about when they'll settle down? If so, what do you talk about/if not, why not?

DUDE: Sure we do! We talk about what we want, why careers have relationship breaking stigmas, when we will grow up (lol who am I kidding? that won't happen). We talk about if there's going to be some great woman. Other times, we make fun of each other for falling head over heels for some cutie we spoke to for 10 minutes at the coffee shop or the pub. We talk about why we can't talk to women on a Friday night (usually liquid courage is lacking, if not, the girl gets talked to!)

Me: What do you think the average age of 1st marriage is for men and for women?

DUDE: I would guess men 29 and women 27. Seems like people jump on marriage and then get divorced by 40. It's sad. (I was surprised at how close he was to the actual facts!)

Fun Fact: In 2010, the average age for men getting married for the first time was 28 and for women the average was 26. This age continues to grow and is pushing the thirties for the first time EVER. This also could be attributed to the fact that childbearing outside of wedlock has also taken a large jump, therefore couples don't feel the need to marry before having children. (Demos)

(Image from Demos)

Me: Who pressures you the most when it comes to settling down?

DUDE: Honestly, myself. My parents were older than I am. I also think the constant barrage of facebook statuses reading "OMG HE BOUGHT ME A ROCK!!!" doesn't help. Modern women also aren't looking for families before having careers (which is not a bad thing). Careers are number one so that means that women are intensely busy compared to men who are now looking for families. That leaves a bunch of guys looking for something that is becoming harder to find. It's a new and HUGE challenge, but a good one. Traditional roles have flipped but the classic mindset hasn't gone anywhere for most men. It's almost like men have become a bonus gift! Haha. "Great career, money, house, security, okay now maybe I'll go pick up a guy." It leaves some guys feeling inadequate!

Me: Do you think society pushes marriage more on men or women?

DUDE: Honestly, I think it's more men but at a steady pace. It's like "Find a woman, take care of her, and make some babies." That's been our job since age 18. With women, it's like all of a sudden everybody is on her back by the time she's 26 or 27, asking when she's getting married or finding a man (maybe because of the age/baby complications reasoning, not sure). But I still think it's up to men. I guess it's one of the disadvantages of peeing standing up, we have to make the first moves haha.

Let's give an internet round of applause to this wonderful gentleman for answering my inquisitive and personal questions. (WOOO YAAAAAA The crowd goes wild!)

I loved seeing the insight into the male mind, especially on a topic that I hear predominantly from women (maybe just 'cuz I am one!). I really loved hearing that men are thinking the same things we are, but from a slightly different angle. And here's my personal angle on the whole 'getting married' deal.

Now, let's get one thing straight here. I LOVE weddings. Anyone who has ever talked to me for more than 10 minutes will attest to that statement. I mean, I used to work for a wedding coordination company for goodness sake. I still go on walks and find gazebos that would be a wedding junkie's dream. I love how happy people are at weddings. I love the googly eyed look of the newlywed couple. It legitimately makes my heart sing.

But here's my pet peeve. 

A marriage is not about a wedding.

A marriage is about holding someone through the death of a parent. A marriage is about playing rock, paper, scissors over who has to do the dishes that night. It's about getting angry at your partner but finding ways to work it out, whether that's yelling, crying, pictionary or make-up sex. A marriage is about loving your babies, whether they have fur, gils, or chubby little fingers and toes. It's about the relationship and the growth that happens individually as well as the growth that happens together. 

I know, I'm not married so I don't know what it's like.

HOWEVER, at 23 years old, I've been to a LOT of weddings. Some couples have been together for more than 10 years, some as short as three months. I've seen the harsh reality of trials and tribulations where some couples make it out stronger than ever and I've also seen some couples be painstakingly broken down. It's sad but at 23 years old, I've already seen quite a few of my peers getting divorced. It's heart-breaking to watch. That is not what I want for my friends, for my family or for myself.

So here's my advice to DUDE and everyone out there looking and waiting for Mrs./Mr. Right:

Stop looking.

Don't rush to get/give the ring!!! WAY easier said than done. But seriously, the more pressure you put on yourself to settle down, the more likely you are to settle with the wrong person. That won't end well for anyone. Desperation does not lead to happily ever after. Patience is what leads to happiness. Remember the whole premise of this blog; "There's no end in sight." You don't want the end that you're reaching for to be a $40,000 day, where Uncle Bob gets wasted and throws up on the dance floor. You want to be reaching for a partnership in marriage. 

So, kick back. Hang out with friends. Meet new people. Laugh. Find something you're passionate about. Get in trouble (but not too much). Date the wrong person. Make a fool out of yourself. 

MAYBE, just maybe, after doing all these things, you'll find the one you're supposed to be with for a long time. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky people and it will be a "forever" love.

Thanks again for reading and if you have anything you want covered, shoot a topic or question my way!

SPEAKING OF:

DUDE had a few questions to throw my way about how best to get a conversation start with us sly sexy ladies. DUDE, here ya go!

DUDE: How does a guy approach a girl at the bar?

Well, this is going to be different for every single person you talk to. All I can say is just be genuine. If you come up to a woman at the bar with some corny pick-up line (unless it's a REALLLLLYYYY good and creative one), prepare to get the eye-roll/cold shoulder. As vague as it is, we just want you to be real with us. I can't give you a fool proof line or a secret handshake that will automatically get you a date, but my advice is be real. 

My second piece of advice on this one? Don't be shy! Confidence is so incredibly sexy, but make sure you're not a cocky asshole. Sure, you'll strike out every once in a while, but in the event that you find someone really cool to talk to (even if it never develops any farther), it's totally worth it!

DUDE: How do you talk to them (women) correctly?

Dude, I want to punch you a little bit for this question. You're not talking to a baby or to a crazed rabid dog. There's not a "correct" way to talk to a woman. ACTUALLY, on second thought, there is. Talk to us like we're human beings that warrant some respect. You know I'm just giving you a hard time, but seriously, it goes back to question #1. We just want you to be genuine. Find interest in something we're doing/saying/playing/whatever! Then we'll do the talking and you can give the smolder...