Why you have to stop telling me I need to find a man.

"I just want you to find a nice man."
"You are too pretty to be single."
"You're just operating a little behind schedule on settling down."
"I bet your anxiety is because you're single."
"I just want you to settle down and start a family!"
"You'll be such a good mom when it's your turn."
"One of these days you'll find a good guy. I know it."


Yes, these are all things I hear on a weekly, if not daily basis.

I'll let you in on a secret.

I am aware of the fact that I am a 24-year-old single woman.
(Big secret right?!)

I know, I just blew your mind. I am constantly reminded of my relationship status. From cheesy online articles. From Pinterest. From Instagram. From my mother. From my coworkers. I am VERY aware of my singleness. As someone in my mid twenties (hold on... I'm having a quarter life crisis moment at that thought...), there is an extreme pressure to settle down and start a family. I should be married and starting my 2.5 children with a dog and a white picket fence by now.

But guess what? I'm not. I'm not criticizing anyone who is on that track, by all means, you are very lucky to be sharing your life with someone (as long as you are happy and healthy), I'm just not there yet. So as you are commenting on and critiquing my singleness, I want to tell you why you need to stop perpetuating the pressure to change my relationship status.


My life is no less exciting because I am single.
I go out with friends still. I continue to go to the movies. Concerts are the bees knees. Restaurants still have great food when you're not in a relationship. Just because I don't have a significant other doesn't mean that my life gets turned down a few notches on the fun dial.

I DO want a relationship.
Believe it or not, I genuinely desire a relationship with someone who is a good match for me. I can't wait to feel those butterflies, to share kisses, to slow dance around the living room. I look forward to making memories, sharing life experiences and creating a lasting connection with someone that will (hopefully) stand with me through a lifetime of ups and downs. Because I am so excited for that good match, I won't purposefully date people who I know are not good matches. I'm not going to waste my time on people that are already guaranteed dealbreakers. I am excited to find my future partner. But I'm in no rush so stop making me feel like I should be.

I am cultivating many other relationships, just maybe not romantic ones.
My friend group has had my back. They are constantly challenging me, bettering me, inspiring me, loving me. I am putting the time into relationships, into friendships, and into the people who will be there for me if the next guy who "might be the one" ends up NOT being the one. I am growing my support network and I am being loved by them.

I get to be selfish. I mean ... it's self care....
I bought myself a $40 concert ticket because I knew it would fill my soul. I can spend an hour and a half at the gym. I can go out with my girlfriends without checking in. I can try out new lipstick and hairstyles without wondering if someone else will like it. I can flirt with a guy just for fun to boost my confidence. I can, will, and DO take care of myself.

I AM 24 FREAKING YEARS OLD.
I am not some shriveled up 90 year old woman. I am still young enough that people ask me how long I've been out of high school. My biological clock (hypothetically) still has PLENTY of time. Stop making me feel like I'm past my prime. My prime hasn't even hit yet fools!

And lastly...
I do not need a man to validate my life and lifestyle.
I'm doing pretty darn well in the whole life category. I have a great career. I have a great apartment. I have a great roommate. I have a running car that I love. I am surrounded by a loving support network for those days where my life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I am active, healthy and incredible happy.

Sure, I'm excited to find a partner, but my life is NOT lacking right now. So stop making me feel like it is.

I went home alone.

Last night, I left the bar alone.

I said goodnight to my friends and left the bar by myself.

Last night, I went out with a group of friends from college; both men and women, ZERO couples. Do you know how rare that is in a group of 20-somethings? And here's the kicker. There were zero couples AND no one was sleeping together. It was amazing. It was a group of friends going out to have a good time, and dammit, we had a good freakin' time. BUT, I swear it was single's awareness night because the amount of slow songs was off the chart. We all had our eyes peeled for the cutest guy or girl to walk by our little booth in the back of the bar.

I walked myself to my car and got in. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I got interested looks from a couple guys throughout the night, but none of them made an effort to come say hello. I was perfectly fine with that. In my camo t-shirt and shorts, I was not screaming, "pay attention to me!!" from the top of a skyscraper, unlike the girl in the skintight elastic black jeans and a flowy blouse that could better be described as a bra with sleeves. I danced a couple partner dances with some of my guy friends and danced a couple songs with a guy I'd never met. He was cute. He was just learning, so I helped him with a couple songs and then we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. Nothing more, nothing less.

I drove myself home, alone, singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs.

Last night, I watched as couples interacted. You could tell the first dates. You could tell the long-term couples. You could tell the pair standing at the bar railing who had never met before tonight. I love watching these couples, regardless of the stage in their relationship. Some people get really annoyed when they are single and surrounded by couples. I, however, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I love seeing the look in her eyes when he spins her on the dance floor. I love seeing him grin sheepishly when she shimmies his way during a line dance. It's fun to see the relationships as a completely uninvolved third party. Sure, they could have their struggles, but tonight, while they're dancing, or sitting at the bar, or whatever, they're in the moment. Enjoying the company of someone who has caught their eye.

I walked into an empty apartment, all the lights out, and got ready for bed by myself.

Last night, I had multiple instances where thoughts came into my head like, "I kind of wish that was me, so happy with my partner," or "look at how cute they are together," or sometimes, "gross... get a room people." But the truth was that I planned on going home alone. I could have gotten up the balls to approach one of the cute guys standing on the sidelines of the dance floor. I could have pulled out the "Flirty Me" side that exudes coy sarcasm and self-proclaimed quick wit. But I was too busy enjoying my evening. You'd think it would make me sad to see all the slow-dancing couples, paired off in twos, while I sat in a groups of ones. It didn't.

I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I snuggled under my Ikea comforter and counted my blessings for good friendships, lots of laughs and an evening of dancing my heart out. I also counted my blessings that I was home alone. Why? Because I would rather be at home, sprawled out starfish style in my full-sized bed, all by myself, than share my bed with someone who didn't want to be here for the right reasons. Sure, you can find someone to fill the vacant side of your bed. It's not that hard. But when you're lying next to someone who does not truly and deeply care about the side of the bed that you occupy, what's the point?

I left the bar alone, and I will do so until I have someone that makes me want to leave the bar with him by my side.

Our generation's race to "the ring."

No I'm not talking about a quest to Mordor with Frodo and Samwise. 

I'm talking about our generation's obsession with marriage. "Mawwaige is what bwings us togevver today." (If you don't know what movie that's from... just go away. We can't be friends.) In the world where Pinterest plans out a single girl's imaginary wedding and there are more wedding magazines than political newspapers, we have become a generation that is obsessed with getting married. I'm not talking strictly about women either!

The other day I was talking to one of my dearest guy friends about some of my previous blog posts. Firstly, I was surprised he was reading it! (By the way, thank you everyone for reading!) Secondly, I asked him what things he related to the most and what he thought would be a good topic for discussion. He said that he related to a lot of the posts, from the financial blog to the career choices. But he brought up an interesting and honest topic for discussion: the pressure to get settled down and find "the right one." 

Naturally, I wanted to ask him more about the pressures males go through on this topic and what freaks him out about such a hot topic.

Me: What do you feel is the biggest pressure about settling down?

DUDE: Not getting it done in time. I work with a lot of older people who aren't married or just started their careers and it shows me how things could end up which is what I don't want to happen.

Me: Do you talk with your dudes about when they'll settle down? If so, what do you talk about/if not, why not?

DUDE: Sure we do! We talk about what we want, why careers have relationship breaking stigmas, when we will grow up (lol who am I kidding? that won't happen). We talk about if there's going to be some great woman. Other times, we make fun of each other for falling head over heels for some cutie we spoke to for 10 minutes at the coffee shop or the pub. We talk about why we can't talk to women on a Friday night (usually liquid courage is lacking, if not, the girl gets talked to!)

Me: What do you think the average age of 1st marriage is for men and for women?

DUDE: I would guess men 29 and women 27. Seems like people jump on marriage and then get divorced by 40. It's sad. (I was surprised at how close he was to the actual facts!)

Fun Fact: In 2010, the average age for men getting married for the first time was 28 and for women the average was 26. This age continues to grow and is pushing the thirties for the first time EVER. This also could be attributed to the fact that childbearing outside of wedlock has also taken a large jump, therefore couples don't feel the need to marry before having children. (Demos)

(Image from Demos)

Me: Who pressures you the most when it comes to settling down?

DUDE: Honestly, myself. My parents were older than I am. I also think the constant barrage of facebook statuses reading "OMG HE BOUGHT ME A ROCK!!!" doesn't help. Modern women also aren't looking for families before having careers (which is not a bad thing). Careers are number one so that means that women are intensely busy compared to men who are now looking for families. That leaves a bunch of guys looking for something that is becoming harder to find. It's a new and HUGE challenge, but a good one. Traditional roles have flipped but the classic mindset hasn't gone anywhere for most men. It's almost like men have become a bonus gift! Haha. "Great career, money, house, security, okay now maybe I'll go pick up a guy." It leaves some guys feeling inadequate!

Me: Do you think society pushes marriage more on men or women?

DUDE: Honestly, I think it's more men but at a steady pace. It's like "Find a woman, take care of her, and make some babies." That's been our job since age 18. With women, it's like all of a sudden everybody is on her back by the time she's 26 or 27, asking when she's getting married or finding a man (maybe because of the age/baby complications reasoning, not sure). But I still think it's up to men. I guess it's one of the disadvantages of peeing standing up, we have to make the first moves haha.

Let's give an internet round of applause to this wonderful gentleman for answering my inquisitive and personal questions. (WOOO YAAAAAA The crowd goes wild!)

I loved seeing the insight into the male mind, especially on a topic that I hear predominantly from women (maybe just 'cuz I am one!). I really loved hearing that men are thinking the same things we are, but from a slightly different angle. And here's my personal angle on the whole 'getting married' deal.

Now, let's get one thing straight here. I LOVE weddings. Anyone who has ever talked to me for more than 10 minutes will attest to that statement. I mean, I used to work for a wedding coordination company for goodness sake. I still go on walks and find gazebos that would be a wedding junkie's dream. I love how happy people are at weddings. I love the googly eyed look of the newlywed couple. It legitimately makes my heart sing.

But here's my pet peeve. 

A marriage is not about a wedding.

A marriage is about holding someone through the death of a parent. A marriage is about playing rock, paper, scissors over who has to do the dishes that night. It's about getting angry at your partner but finding ways to work it out, whether that's yelling, crying, pictionary or make-up sex. A marriage is about loving your babies, whether they have fur, gils, or chubby little fingers and toes. It's about the relationship and the growth that happens individually as well as the growth that happens together. 

I know, I'm not married so I don't know what it's like.

HOWEVER, at 23 years old, I've been to a LOT of weddings. Some couples have been together for more than 10 years, some as short as three months. I've seen the harsh reality of trials and tribulations where some couples make it out stronger than ever and I've also seen some couples be painstakingly broken down. It's sad but at 23 years old, I've already seen quite a few of my peers getting divorced. It's heart-breaking to watch. That is not what I want for my friends, for my family or for myself.

So here's my advice to DUDE and everyone out there looking and waiting for Mrs./Mr. Right:

Stop looking.

Don't rush to get/give the ring!!! WAY easier said than done. But seriously, the more pressure you put on yourself to settle down, the more likely you are to settle with the wrong person. That won't end well for anyone. Desperation does not lead to happily ever after. Patience is what leads to happiness. Remember the whole premise of this blog; "There's no end in sight." You don't want the end that you're reaching for to be a $40,000 day, where Uncle Bob gets wasted and throws up on the dance floor. You want to be reaching for a partnership in marriage. 

So, kick back. Hang out with friends. Meet new people. Laugh. Find something you're passionate about. Get in trouble (but not too much). Date the wrong person. Make a fool out of yourself. 

MAYBE, just maybe, after doing all these things, you'll find the one you're supposed to be with for a long time. Maybe you'll be one of the lucky people and it will be a "forever" love.

Thanks again for reading and if you have anything you want covered, shoot a topic or question my way!

SPEAKING OF:

DUDE had a few questions to throw my way about how best to get a conversation start with us sly sexy ladies. DUDE, here ya go!

DUDE: How does a guy approach a girl at the bar?

Well, this is going to be different for every single person you talk to. All I can say is just be genuine. If you come up to a woman at the bar with some corny pick-up line (unless it's a REALLLLLYYYY good and creative one), prepare to get the eye-roll/cold shoulder. As vague as it is, we just want you to be real with us. I can't give you a fool proof line or a secret handshake that will automatically get you a date, but my advice is be real. 

My second piece of advice on this one? Don't be shy! Confidence is so incredibly sexy, but make sure you're not a cocky asshole. Sure, you'll strike out every once in a while, but in the event that you find someone really cool to talk to (even if it never develops any farther), it's totally worth it!

DUDE: How do you talk to them (women) correctly?

Dude, I want to punch you a little bit for this question. You're not talking to a baby or to a crazed rabid dog. There's not a "correct" way to talk to a woman. ACTUALLY, on second thought, there is. Talk to us like we're human beings that warrant some respect. You know I'm just giving you a hard time, but seriously, it goes back to question #1. We just want you to be genuine. Find interest in something we're doing/saying/playing/whatever! Then we'll do the talking and you can give the smolder...