10 Reasons why you're torn between Dating and Staying Single.

It's Friday night. You're sitting on the couch with your fuzzy blanket binge watching Netflix, adorned in sweatpants and bits of popcorn that have spilled out of your giant bowl. #NOSHAME. We all do it. But part of you thinks, maybe, just maybe, it would be nice to do this with someone else. Granted, for most people it would take a little while before hitting the comfort-of-tattered-sweatpants stage, but you think, maybe I should put myself back out there. You say to yourself, 'I could actually do my hair, throw on some real people clothes and try to catch me a suitor'! And then you look back into your bowl of popcorn and think... Nahhh, I'm good.

I can't be alone in that thought process. Dating is hard. But sometimes, so is being single. So why do we find ourselves torn between wanting to date and wanting to be single?

1) All your friends are in serious relationships.
You know when you were in middle school and you were learning about peer pressure? Your teacher would say, "Just because you think that all your friends are having sex doesn't mean you need to!" Well, the sex isn't the real peer pressure. They should have warned you about being the only 25 year old single friend at the six weddings you'll attend this summer. Now THAT is peer pressure.

2) I am still working on myself.
Cliche? Yep. True? Double yep! I am finding out what I want my life to look like, and that's a lot easier when it's just me.

3) I want attention...
Don't lie. If you're single, male or female, you love having someone notice you; having someone tell you that you're pretty or handsome; laughing at all the awkward newness of getting to know someone. It's fun! It gives you butterflies. Don't lie, you love it.

4) ... But I'm done with games.
Just because I want attention, doesn't mean I want to get hooked in and then played with those stupid games of who 'doesn't care' the most. Attention is fun, but only when it's genuine, and not given out to everyone like Halloween candy. Flirting is fun, watching you flirt with every single person you see is not fun. When I get back into dating, it will be a games-free zone.

5) I like making decisions based on MY needs. Not OUR needs. (But I will factor someone in when I need to.)
Right now, I'm allowed to be a little selfish. If I want to pick up and move to another city, I can. Because I'm only making decisions for one person instead of for a pair or family.

6) I'm not desperate.
Or I guess I should say, I'm not usually desperate...

7) I am dedicated to building my career.... Even though I am not quite sure what that is yet... 
As of right now, I have the freedom to be flexible in the job field by growing my resume. I can work a LOT. I can change jobs. I can join the circus... okay well I probably won't do that but I COULD. Basically, I'm evaluating my future.

8) I have moments where I ADORE being single...
Last minute change in plans? I don't have to check with anyone. I can binge Fuller House on Netflix for hours without judgement. I can get all dressed up to go out for Happy Hour with my girlfriends. I can flirt with a cute guy at the bar. I can hang out with my guy friends without worrying about someone getting jealous. I can do me and sometimes that's really great!

9) ...But I also look forward to sharing the dumb relationship stuff too.
Like trying out new restaurants on date night. Or holding hands for the first time. Or finding a new show that we are mutually obsessed with. Or meeting your parents for the first time. All the new and fun couple-y activities are awesome and I can't wait to do all the corny stuff when dating becomes a part of my life again.

10) I know what I want in a relationship.
I KNOW I'm not looking for a fling. I know that I want someone who's ambitious and driven. I want someone to take care of me and I want to take care of that special someone. I want my partner to be my best friend and my partner in crime. I want to be goofy and wrestle or dance around the living room. I don't want to waste my time with someone who does not share my core values. I have dated enough to have honed in some big factors of someone to spend time with intimately. It's time to be a bit more serious.

11) My time is valuable.

I'm not about to waste either of our time on something lukewarm. It's not fair to either of us to date, just so we aren't lonely. I want to be excited to go out with you. I want to have butterflies when I think you might kiss me. I don't want to get my hopes up for something that you view as 'casual'. I'm in it for the real deal, not just a free meal.

But when it comes down to it...
I don't want to be alone forever. So one of these days I'll have to date again. For now though, I'll pop that popcorn, flip on Fuller House and enjoy the time with my favorite partner. ME. 

The three ways Instant Gratification ruins our lives and how we can stop it.

We live in a world of instant gratification. It's surrounding us.

There are drive-thru restaurants, coffee shops, liquor stores, banks, and equipment repair stations. You drive up, place your order, and within 5-15 minutes, you have your product. Instantly, your needs are met. We have immediate access to technology. We have internet at our fingertips, almost everywhere we go. You can pull up a youtube video on the train to work, or stream a movie when your child is misbehaving at the doctor's office. We have access to communication that lets us interact with people all over the world… for free… whenever we want. Facebook, Skype, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram. I have two separate friends who met the loves of their lives on Instagram. In DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. Crazy? Absolutely! Incredible? You're darn right. Romantic? Ummm, duh.

The point is, it's all immediate. Aside from waiting to meet your soul mate as they travel around the globe, we have access to a world that is right under our noses. Which can be a beautiful thing. Parents can meet their newborn children while serving their country in foreign wars. A post on twitter can help Mark Ruffalo find his cell phone in NYC within 20 minutes of losing it. Friendships can be created with people you never would have met in day to day life.

However, there is a flip side to a world of instant gratification. We get greedy. We get impatient. We get irritated quickly. I find myself regularly sighing with malcontent when my Pandora station takes forever to load the next song. I get annoyed when someone doesn't text me back quickly. I get frustrated when my GoogleMaps directs me to the wrong location. "No Siri! I do not want to be at McDonald's in China! I'm in Portland! UGH!"

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that despite the convenience, Instant Gratification is ruining my life, and this is how:

1. My Health Life.
How many Pinterest pins start with, lose 10 pounds in ten days? How many infomercials have ads for supplements that will help you "get rid of that problem area in two weeks or less!"? There are wraps, pills, shakes and even cookies to help you hit your goal weight. These 'Get Skinny Quick' diets are ruining our bodies. They are denying the nutrition we need to survive. They are creating an unhealthy lifestyle where our bodies can fluctuate so drastically, which takes it's toll. It's also creating a downward-spiraling body image issue. If you are unsuccessful at losing that ten pounds in ten days, are you more likely to jump on a treadmill to work even harder or are you likely to binge that pint of leftover ice cream in your freezer? Because we expect the immediate change we're accustomed to, giving up happens quite frequently. If we ARE successful with these schemes, they don't last. Unfortunately, the real way to make the fix is the hard way, the drawn out way, but the successful way; making the healthy life choices of clean eating and exercise.

2. My Dating Life.
Dating is not dead, it has just morphed into this ugly monster of instant gratification. You meet at a party, this cute guy gets your number, he texts you an invite to come over and watch a movie, you make out or whatever it may be, you leave, you don't get a text until next time he wants to "watch a movie." There is even a term for this type of hookup.... Netflix and Chill. (Barf. Why ruin the sanctity of Netflix?!) What happened to putting time into getting to know someone? What happened to grabbing coffee or dinner and learning what her favorite movie is, or her favorite author? Hook-up culture is something that is more common than dating these days. I'm not saying that there isn't a time and place for this, because there definitely can be, but I don't feel like it should be the norm. Our culture of instant gratification is to blame for that. Be patient. Get to know people. Date, like a real date. Put in the effort. Please.

3. My Concept of Time.
When we are immediately granted our needs, life moves at an increasingly fast pace. Every iPhone update includes, "Faster This" and "Streamlined That." Therefore when something takes two minutes to load instead of 12 seconds, we flip out. We get frustrated. We complain. When someone takes an hour to text you back, we take it personally. We get frustrated. We complain. Our time consciousness is off because we are so used to getting things right away. It's the ultimate first world problem. We lose the gratitude for all that we have access to and get angry over the little time inconveniences.


So yes, instant gratification is ruining my life but I have the power to stop that. I have the power to be patient, to put in effort, to have grace, to have compassion, to get to know people, to get to know myself. I will not expect things. I will live in the moment. And I will remind myself these things when I'm frustrated at Netflix, or at someone who cancels plans last minute.

I will be gratuitous, even if it doesn't come instantaneously.

Why you have to stop telling me I need to find a man.

"I just want you to find a nice man."
"You are too pretty to be single."
"You're just operating a little behind schedule on settling down."
"I bet your anxiety is because you're single."
"I just want you to settle down and start a family!"
"You'll be such a good mom when it's your turn."
"One of these days you'll find a good guy. I know it."


Yes, these are all things I hear on a weekly, if not daily basis.

I'll let you in on a secret.

I am aware of the fact that I am a 24-year-old single woman.
(Big secret right?!)

I know, I just blew your mind. I am constantly reminded of my relationship status. From cheesy online articles. From Pinterest. From Instagram. From my mother. From my coworkers. I am VERY aware of my singleness. As someone in my mid twenties (hold on... I'm having a quarter life crisis moment at that thought...), there is an extreme pressure to settle down and start a family. I should be married and starting my 2.5 children with a dog and a white picket fence by now.

But guess what? I'm not. I'm not criticizing anyone who is on that track, by all means, you are very lucky to be sharing your life with someone (as long as you are happy and healthy), I'm just not there yet. So as you are commenting on and critiquing my singleness, I want to tell you why you need to stop perpetuating the pressure to change my relationship status.


My life is no less exciting because I am single.
I go out with friends still. I continue to go to the movies. Concerts are the bees knees. Restaurants still have great food when you're not in a relationship. Just because I don't have a significant other doesn't mean that my life gets turned down a few notches on the fun dial.

I DO want a relationship.
Believe it or not, I genuinely desire a relationship with someone who is a good match for me. I can't wait to feel those butterflies, to share kisses, to slow dance around the living room. I look forward to making memories, sharing life experiences and creating a lasting connection with someone that will (hopefully) stand with me through a lifetime of ups and downs. Because I am so excited for that good match, I won't purposefully date people who I know are not good matches. I'm not going to waste my time on people that are already guaranteed dealbreakers. I am excited to find my future partner. But I'm in no rush so stop making me feel like I should be.

I am cultivating many other relationships, just maybe not romantic ones.
My friend group has had my back. They are constantly challenging me, bettering me, inspiring me, loving me. I am putting the time into relationships, into friendships, and into the people who will be there for me if the next guy who "might be the one" ends up NOT being the one. I am growing my support network and I am being loved by them.

I get to be selfish. I mean ... it's self care....
I bought myself a $40 concert ticket because I knew it would fill my soul. I can spend an hour and a half at the gym. I can go out with my girlfriends without checking in. I can try out new lipstick and hairstyles without wondering if someone else will like it. I can flirt with a guy just for fun to boost my confidence. I can, will, and DO take care of myself.

I AM 24 FREAKING YEARS OLD.
I am not some shriveled up 90 year old woman. I am still young enough that people ask me how long I've been out of high school. My biological clock (hypothetically) still has PLENTY of time. Stop making me feel like I'm past my prime. My prime hasn't even hit yet fools!

And lastly...
I do not need a man to validate my life and lifestyle.
I'm doing pretty darn well in the whole life category. I have a great career. I have a great apartment. I have a great roommate. I have a running car that I love. I am surrounded by a loving support network for those days where my life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I am active, healthy and incredible happy.

Sure, I'm excited to find a partner, but my life is NOT lacking right now. So stop making me feel like it is.

A Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Hubby,

Can I call you Hubby? Since I don't quite know who you are yet, let's say that I can. At least it beats out other super annoying pet names like pumpkin, or hun, or sweetie pie. (Let's make it clear that if you call me sweetie pie, you will get a 'sweetie pie' to the face. I mean, I'll totally be giggling as I do it, but you will get pied. I will at least let you pick the flavor…)

I have thought about you. I have pictured what our life would look like, I have pictured our children and I have pictured our relationship, all without knowing your name or your face. I know, I know… that comes off a little creepy but I promise, it's not. I have thought about the standard that I will hold us to and I have thought about the love we will share. And let me say, all of the things I have pictured are probably ridiculously off. They are a culmination of Nicholas Sparks movies, childhood fairytales and classic love songs played on the radio. They are a compilation of tender moments witnessed in coffee shops, of sweet looks in church, of pride and joy in the birth of a child. I have thought about what kind of love we will have and how strong we will be through life's circumstances.

I have to tell you something, my dear Hubby. You married a gem. And I don't mean a shiny, perfectly cut, pristine, sparkly stone. I mean the gritty piece of rock. The unpolished, jagged, tough piece of earth. And I thank you for that. Thank you for taking me at my natural state. Thank you for accepting me with my edges and my quirks, because if you were crazy enough to marry me, you sure as heck know that I'm a different kind of special. However, once you break through the rough exterior and brush off the little flecks of dirt, you'll see the sparkle and the shine. I bet, knowing that I probably picked someone rather awesome, that you will even enhance the shine. And for that I thank you.

I want you to know that I love you. Despite my love for you, I know that I will have moments where I can't stand you. I will have moments that I am offended by you. I will have moments where I'm so angry at you that I could (and possibly will) scream. But know that when I say I'm sorry, I am putting down my shield of pride and taking a step toward you. Know that when I say I love you, I mean it with every ounce of my soul. When I say I love you, it might not come out in those three little words. My love for you will be something I learn from, study and grow. I pray that it will teach me and challenge me. And I pray that your love for me does the same; that it teaches you, and grows you. I pray that we continuously put effort into our love and deny it the opportunity to grow stagnant. I pray that you are ALWAYS my lover, my friend and my warrior.

With our marriage, my sweet husband, I hope that your love for the Lord bonds us with a strength that is unbreakable by this world. I pray that our relationship inspires us to live lives that make those around us, but more so those above us, proud. I pray that we depend on each other. Rely on each other. Build each other. Romance each other. Pray FOR each other.

Hubby, I promise to be the wife that holds you accountable without forcing you into avenues that fit my personal agenda. Sure, I will try and get you to come to that conclusion on your own but I promise not to be forceful. As your wife, we will approach things together. I will make the effort to let you know that you are loved and you are cared for. We will be servants to each other. Not in a Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia kind of way. We will serve each other in a sense that I will listen to your love languages and respond to you in ways that make you feel important. That make you feel loved. Because I love you. And I always will.

So to my husband, who I may or may not have met yet in my life, I want to say that I am praying for you. I'm sending love into the stars so that they can watch down and keep you safe from harm. I'm looking forward to the day where our hello's are uttered and the lightbulb illuminates. I can't wait to tell you I love you and that you're the one I have been waiting for this whole time. 

It will be you.

Always.

My heart is yours,

Your Future Wife

Why it kills me to wait for your text.

I sit here looking at my phone every ten minutes. More like every ten seconds. I think to myself, "Maybe my phone accidentally got turned to vibrate. Maybe I just didn't hear the buzz of my text tone. Maybe I just didn't see my phone light up. Oh... It's on full volume. That light was from Instagram."

I have become that girl. The one who is waiting for your text. I have become my countless number of girlfriends whom I have lectured so many times. I'd say to them, "who cares if he texts you, you're bad ass with or without him," or "don't worry, I'm sure he is just trying not to seem clingy." They'd give me ten thousand reasons why he hadn't texted them. I would find some awesomely empowering Pinterest photo with a beautiful back drop and a cute handwritten font that would tell my friend that patience is important, blah, blah, blah.

So I tried doing all of those things to myself. I found a solid Instagram photo. I talked about it all day and got opinions from way too many people, all of which I respect, none of which I listened to. The opinions all went one of two very distinct and very opposite directions; some said that I should totally text him so he knows I'm interested, and the others told me to chill out and wait for him to make the next move. Either way, we're playing into this dating game.

The dating game is a tricky topic. I'm not talking about the 60's TV show where you get to pick a secret contestant based on his silly answers. I'm talking about the world of communication, of asking each other out, of trying to be just interested enough to keep them around, yet not too interested to seem obsessed. Games involve strategy, skill and motivation. All things that no one wants to hear about when dating is involved. A skillful dater sounds like someone who is afraid of commitment; you get the prize and then run to the next competition. A strategic dater sounds like someone who plays all the ladies; he is the ultimate player. A motivated dater sounds like a horny dude, trying to get some action. Regardless of which type of competitor is involved in your game, the point is that you're playing for individual trophies, when in reality, you want your team to win.

So as I sit here, wondering if he's playing some game, keeping myself distracted by building bookshelves and watching my roommate do the 'whip/nae nae' dance thing that I don't even understand, I will take a step back. I'll listen to the advice that I have given so many of my friends...

His loss if he's not interested. Awesomely exciting if he is. Regardless of whether I hear from him or I don't, it is not a direct reflection of me, or how I conducted myself when we hung out. I am funny, I am cool, I am smart, I am not reliant on the little buzz of a cell phone and I do not need any validation from anyone other than the voice inside my head. I am better than that; better than worrying about if you're interested.

Now time to put the phone away and go back to life.

I went home alone.

Last night, I left the bar alone.

I said goodnight to my friends and left the bar by myself.

Last night, I went out with a group of friends from college; both men and women, ZERO couples. Do you know how rare that is in a group of 20-somethings? And here's the kicker. There were zero couples AND no one was sleeping together. It was amazing. It was a group of friends going out to have a good time, and dammit, we had a good freakin' time. BUT, I swear it was single's awareness night because the amount of slow songs was off the chart. We all had our eyes peeled for the cutest guy or girl to walk by our little booth in the back of the bar.

I walked myself to my car and got in. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I got interested looks from a couple guys throughout the night, but none of them made an effort to come say hello. I was perfectly fine with that. In my camo t-shirt and shorts, I was not screaming, "pay attention to me!!" from the top of a skyscraper, unlike the girl in the skintight elastic black jeans and a flowy blouse that could better be described as a bra with sleeves. I danced a couple partner dances with some of my guy friends and danced a couple songs with a guy I'd never met. He was cute. He was just learning, so I helped him with a couple songs and then we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. Nothing more, nothing less.

I drove myself home, alone, singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs.

Last night, I watched as couples interacted. You could tell the first dates. You could tell the long-term couples. You could tell the pair standing at the bar railing who had never met before tonight. I love watching these couples, regardless of the stage in their relationship. Some people get really annoyed when they are single and surrounded by couples. I, however, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I love seeing the look in her eyes when he spins her on the dance floor. I love seeing him grin sheepishly when she shimmies his way during a line dance. It's fun to see the relationships as a completely uninvolved third party. Sure, they could have their struggles, but tonight, while they're dancing, or sitting at the bar, or whatever, they're in the moment. Enjoying the company of someone who has caught their eye.

I walked into an empty apartment, all the lights out, and got ready for bed by myself.

Last night, I had multiple instances where thoughts came into my head like, "I kind of wish that was me, so happy with my partner," or "look at how cute they are together," or sometimes, "gross... get a room people." But the truth was that I planned on going home alone. I could have gotten up the balls to approach one of the cute guys standing on the sidelines of the dance floor. I could have pulled out the "Flirty Me" side that exudes coy sarcasm and self-proclaimed quick wit. But I was too busy enjoying my evening. You'd think it would make me sad to see all the slow-dancing couples, paired off in twos, while I sat in a groups of ones. It didn't.

I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I snuggled under my Ikea comforter and counted my blessings for good friendships, lots of laughs and an evening of dancing my heart out. I also counted my blessings that I was home alone. Why? Because I would rather be at home, sprawled out starfish style in my full-sized bed, all by myself, than share my bed with someone who didn't want to be here for the right reasons. Sure, you can find someone to fill the vacant side of your bed. It's not that hard. But when you're lying next to someone who does not truly and deeply care about the side of the bed that you occupy, what's the point?

I left the bar alone, and I will do so until I have someone that makes me want to leave the bar with him by my side.

A letter to ALL of my Exs.

If you're like me, you have a lot of Ex's...

• Ex Roommates
• Ex Best Friends
• Ex Boyfriends/Girlfriends

These ex's are ex's for a reason. And that reason is that something didn't quite work. Maybe it was a small thing, maybe it was just the effects of time, and maybe it was a BIG FREAKIN' DEAL.

Whatever it was, we move on. We find a new roommate (or decide to live alone). We make new friends. We start dating other people. We find people to fill those voids, and maybe they aren't filled entirely, but the placeholders are no longer empty.

Regardless of why they are no longer involved in your life, you learn a lot from the experiences you gain from these people. If you could write a letter to your ex's, what would you say?

--------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ex,

First of all, I want you to know one thing. 

I AM HAPPY. And I am happy because of you. Not in the way you might think, but you are one of the reasons I am happy. You helped me get here and for that, I thank you. I learned a lot from our time together, which in turn, brought me to the woman I have become.

You taught me about conflict. 

Whether it was a conflict about who's turn it was to do the dishes, or about why you wouldn't tell me certain things, I learned what complicated conflict looked like. Sure, the dishes were an easy conflict to resolve, but maybe the dishes weren't the actual issue. Maybe you were frustrated that I didn't invite you to an activity and that pile of plates in the sink was an easy release. Maybe you weren't telling me the entirety of a story because you still couldn't accept the truth of the situation. Regardless of what the conflict was, I learned how to spot it, how to address it (not perfectly by any means), and how to move on from it with a shaky, but respectful heart.

You taught me (and am still learning) how to communicate. 

...through trial and error. Believe it or not, ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. (But wouldn't that be nice?!) Bringing up issues can be really awkward, and I'm still not good at it, even if I'm a Communication major. However, stumbling our way through the uncomfortable chats about your emotionally abusive boyfriend, or about your ex-girlfriend who was threatening to punch me in the face made us stronger at that moment. I still have so much work to do on this topic, but I'm thankful that you helped grow me as a compassionate communicator.

You taught me what I should expect from a partner (be it romantic or platonic). 

There were times when you treated me fabulously. If there hadn't been good times, we would not have been friends/roommates/romantic partners. I loved when we would dance in our PJ's in the front room to OneDirection. I loved that you surprised me by coming to visit me for the weekend, when I thought you were working. I loved that we drove your dad's Mustang on that spring day to go get Frappachino's when the sun finally decided to come out. Those good times helped create my list of requirements when looking for a friend, a boyfriend or a roommate. Even if we ended, the good moments have helped shape what I desire in my relationships.

You taught me how to trust. 

I cried to you. I told you some of my most hidden fears. I leaned on you when I couldn't hold myself up. You supported me in the good times and in the bad. I learned to put stock in another person and that was an incredible lesson to learn. But...

I had to learn how to bounce back from failed trust. 

You hurt me sometimes. Cheating. Gossiping. Rumors. At times in my life, you absolutely broke me. But you know what the amazing part is?! I haven't stopped trusting. Just because you betrayed my friendship, it doesn't mean that I will never trust a friend again! Just because you broke my heart, it doesn't mean that I will never love again. You cannot ruin me. I am stronger than that.

You taught me to trust my intuition. 

You know that time when I found inappropriate photos of another woman on your phone? Yeah, I trusted my intuition and confronted you on that. I knew something was up, and they weren't just old photos of an ex-girlfriend. You know when you stopped texting me when a certain someone was around? I should have listened to my gut at that time, and I learned that my intuition isn't usually making things up. I am learning to trust myself when a situation makes me uncomfortable.

I taught myself how to be alone.

Yep, you heard me. I don't mind sleeping by myself. I get the whole freaking bed! I don't mind showing up to the group activity without my bestie in tow. I don't mind spending a Tuesday night blogging. I learned that I'd rather be in the company of an incredibly strong, creative and hilarious woman (MYSELF, obvs) than be with someone who is constantly belittling me or making me feel inadequate.

You taught me how to stand up for myself. 

When someone tells me that I'm too fat, or that I'm overreacting, or that I shouldn't feel a certain way, I know that I deserve better and you can damn well bet I will stand up for myself. I learned that if anyone is going to put me down, it's my responsibility to bring myself back up.

I learned how to fight graciously. 

We're obviously not close any more. If it wasn't just the ebb and flow of time that brought us to where we are, we probably got in a fight. I have not held myself together perfectly in every fight, but through these issues, I learned how to compose myself in a way that cannot be used to talk ill of me when the fight is over. At times, I didn't really execute the fights in a way that would exemplify said grace, but hindsight has taught me a lot about how to conduct myself and I feel like I have learned how to get in a fight, while trying my best to stay civil. Even when I didn't feel like you deserved civility.

I learned how to love myself.

You broke my heart. You turned friends against me. You took me down. You made stabs that had lasting impact. You said things that I am still trying to forget. But you know what? I love myself. It took work, and it took a lot of faking it, but I got there. It's a constant learning opportunity because some days my pants are too tight, and some days I still feel anger toward you, and some days, I really hope you stub your toe or hit your funny bone (because I would never wish anything serious upon you, but those things are harmless, painful and/or annoying). But on those days where I falter, I still remember how much I've learned and how far I've come. For some stupid cliche analogy, I'm a traveler down the road of life, and I've stopped plenty of places, but I'm having a killer time on this wild adventure.

So thank you. Thank you for screwing me over. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for leaving your bicycle in the middle of the living room. Thank you for pushing me to be stronger, better, more loving, and all around more bad-ass.

Cheers, my dear Ex. 

Life's a bitch, but as the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt says, a bitch is the mother of cute puppies, so that's pretty much a compliment. 

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Best Friend/Ex-Roommate/ Ex-Girlfriend

Dating is hard.

I'm bad at dating.
It's hard. I'm awkward and self-conscious, so add the possibility of an attractive man and my accident-prone levels sky-rocket. Add the reality of another awkward human being and we'll probably create an A-Bomb (Awkward, not Atomic...)

Despite it being stressful, dating can also be one of the most fun and insightful experiences that we go through. It can be exhausting. It can be a rollercoaster of emotions; fear, nerves, confidence, uncertainty, giddiness, excitement and SO many more. You're basically putting yourself on display in order for someone to analyze you... and vice versa.

It's intimidating and if you're anything like me (who hasn't dated a whole bunch), it can send you into a full-fledged tail spin into hyperventilation, all while throwing every outfit you own on the floor.

So what do you do when you're freaking out, ready to bail?! You seek comfort from the advice of loved ones. These people know you really well so they can't steer you wrong, right? Not always. As much as we adore these individuals, have you ever been given advice that makes you cringe?

I know I have. So I took to social media and asked:
What is the WORST DATING ADVICE YOU'VE EVER GOTTEN?

These are REAL TIPS that people have been given. So naturally, I want to spin them into Positives. I had a bunch of people weigh in and these are just a small, but relevant, portion of the responses.


BAD TIP: Laugh at ALL the other person's jokes.
Anyone remember Janice from Friends? Fake-laughing at all the jokes sends you on a guaranteed train to "Never-getting-a-second-date-ville." That is a surefire way to look like a crazy person. Crazy is not attractive.
BETTER TIP: Be yourself.
Oh how cliché, Sarah. Well, sorry. If you find something funny, laugh. If you don't, a polite smile is okay.


BAD TIP: Dress scandalously/Show cleavage.
Sorry guys, this one is not for you... or maybe it is and you're going to rock that hipster deep-V-neck tee. Showing off the goods isn't necessarily the way to your partner's heart. It might be a way to another body part, and if that's what your looking for, you might want to use this tip, but if you're not just looking for a hookup, then you might want to look into something else.
BETTER TIP: Dress confidently!
Obviously, you want to look nice. If a low cut top makes you feel confident, then by all means, ROCK IT! - but it's not necessary. Be comfortable. Confidence is way more attractive than baring it all uncomfortably.


BAD TIP: Try to find a fixer upper... Everyone likes a challenge, right? AKA "He/She will change"
I hate when people say this. Unfortunately, I've been told this one. You should not be searching to change someone. Obviously, people are going to develop in life, and people change, but you should not be trying to change the personality of the one you are dating. The term Fixer-upper will now and forever remind me of the song from Frozen.
BETTER TIP: Know what you want in a partner.
I'm not saying get out your checklist of physical attributes and start checking them off. What I'm saying is that if someone does not meet your 'non-negotiables' list, don't try and fit a square peg into a round hole. One example is that I will not date someone that smokes. I'm not going to try to force a smoker to become a non-smoker just to date me.


BAD TIP: Even if you don't see it going anywhere, go on the date... at least you'll get a free meal. (See also, order something expensive at dinner.)
Taking advantage of someone is rude. Straight up. Also, why waste either person's time?!
BETTER TIP: Be honest.
If you don't see it going anywhere, don't keep up the charade. Dating games are so high school. Also, who wants to sit at an awkward dinner for at least an hour, even if the food is good?!


BAD TIP: If you don't learn to eat salad, you'll never get a husband.
I hate this tip. I've also been told to eat a salad at dinner. SCREW THAT. I rarely eat a salad as a meal on my own. Also, I'm really bad at eating salads... or anything for that matter. I always drop food on myself (which is why I usually don't wear white to go eat...)
BETTER TIP: Eat whatever the hell you want.
If I want a salad, I'll get a salad. If I want a cheeseburger with onion rings and a milkshake, I'll get that. Don't try and fake it. You want to enjoy yourself. SO enjoy your food.


BAD TIP: Don't date someone who makes less money than you.
I can't believe this has actually been said.
BETTER TIP: Don't base your relationship on how much your partner makes!!!
If you are basing your relationship of a financial statement, you're a materialistic jerk. Duh.


BAD TIP: It's okay if you have different religious beliefs.
Okay this isn't a BAD thing, but it can make things more difficult. If one partner is extremely religious and the other is not, it can bring stress to the relationship later down the road when it comes to attending religious ceremonies/services/etc, getting married, and raising children. For the most part, I haven't been on the same page as my previous partners when it came to religion and it definitely caused a bit of discomfort in my relationships.
BETTER TIP: See if your belief systems align.
If faith and religion are important to you, then it's good to see where your similarities and differences lie. If they are not important to you, it's good to know where the other person stands and what they will expect in the future.

BAD TIP: Love will conquer anything.
Nope, it won't. Love won't conquer a drug addiction. Love won't conquer abuse. Love won't give you a "PASS GO FOR FREE" card. Love can help you through those things but it's not an excuse to do whatever you want and pull a Nicholas Sparks by saying, "Well our love will take us away together."
BETTER TIP: Communication will help conquer MOST.
Communication will not excuse cheating or a gambling problem, but it will help you work through some things. Talking it out helps you understand where the other person is coming from and it will help you find solutions and compromises.


BAD TIP: Well, He/she is nice.
Oh jeez people... Just because someone is nice and they like you does NOT mean you should be with them. Nice-ness is great but do you have anything in common? Do you desire more time with them? Do you see a potential with them? Nice is great. My dog is nice. That does not mean I want to date my dog.
BETTER TIP: Is she/he nice to other people?
See how your date treats everyone around them. This says a lot about a person. Do they hold the door open for strangers? Do they say thank you to the waiter at dinner? Do they complain about the service, even if it was okay? Seeing how he/she treats other people is one of my biggest turn ons/turn offs.


BAD TIP: Maybe you should start losing weight before you start dating.
Thank God no one said this to me, I would have bawled my eyes out. You do not have to be "skinny" to be loved. You do not have to be a certain size to be found attractive. I am so glad I don't know who said this because they would have gotten a piece of my mind.
BETTER TIP: Rock whatever body you've got.
Again it comes down to confidence. If you are comfortable, it will show, and that is sexy as hell.


BAD TIP: Ignore your gut feeling, you don't even know them yet.
FALSE. In every way. If someone give you the heeby-jeebys, trust your intuition. If you automatically think that you don't click, believe yourself. Obviously, you should get to know the person in order to determine these gut-reactions, but once you have spent some time with the person, trust your feelings.
BETTER TIP: Check in with how you feel.
Let yourself feel the feels. Was there a connection? Could you hear the sound of crickets chirping? Analyze where your feelings were after spending some time together.


BAD TIP: If a person isn't going to "lock you down in a relationship," show him/her you have other options.
This is so dumb on so many levels. Like I said earlier, playing games in a relationship is so dramatic and ridiculous. Honesty is where it's at. I have yet to hear someone say, "I love playing games in a relationship, especially when it comes to whether or not we're serious in this relationship." As the friend who told me this Bad Tip mentioned, it pushed them into a relationship that probably wasn't genuine in getting into it for the right reasons.
BETTER TIP: If a person isn't going to "lock you down" (don't even get me started on that phrase), THEN MOVE ON.
Don't waste your time waiting around or playing games for someone who clearly is not interested in the type of relationship you want. It's nothing against you. It's nothing against them. Some people want different things in a relationship. What a concept...

And my favorite one....
WORST TIP: Your standards are too high; you should lower them.
Yes, clearly you should settle for someone who does not fit what you want. It's like saying that you asked for the new iPhone for Christmas and someone got you a Nokia brick from 2005. I have heard this line before, "well, maybe the type you're looking for is just a figment of a Nicholas Sparks plot line." Um hello? I'm not looking for something incredibly specific. I didn't know that an educated Christian man with a little bit of country in his roots was a figment of a romantic novel. I think one or two of those exist out there...
BETTER TIP: Be realistic in your standards.
Generalized standards are great. Try not to be too specific. (i.e. 6'2" with wavy brown hair, turquoise eyes, a PhD in astrophysics and loves his favorite author Charles Dickens.) Having a list of non-negotiables is important, and knowing what you're willing to compromise on is good too. Standards should be a guideline, not a set of steadfast rules. When you know what you want though, why force things you don't want into that category? Someone will be unhappy.



Despite all of these crazy tips, dating can be fun and exciting. Stressful? Duh. But still exciting. If we don't do a bit of dating, how will we know what we do and don't want in a partner? It's crucial to learn about other people whom you might want a relationship with, but it also teaches you about yourself.

Dating (even though my dating resume is slightly small) continues to teach me a LOT about myself. It teaches me things that I bring to a relationship, like communication and compassion, emotional support and dorky awkward humor. It also teaches me that there are SO many types of awesome people out there.

It's hard, but dating is a great test. One that you can't really pass or fail, but keep attempting until you find a winner.

What are some of YOUR dating tips that have worked/not worked? I'd love to hear more!!