The Power of Fear

Fear.

We've all been scared.

The things differ; spiders, death, heights, public speaking. You name it, someone is scared of it. There is even a fear of blushing (it's called Ereuthrophobia, in case you were wondering). No matter who you are, something scares you.

Fear is asking your crush on a date.
Fear is quitting your job.
Fear is hearing your doctor tell you that you and your husband cannot have children.
Fear is hearing that you are pregnant.
Fear is depression.
Fear is thinking you'll be alone forever.
Fear is watching your parent go through chemo.
Fear is attending your best friend's funeral.
Fear is getting dumped.
Fear is a $1200 repair bill for your car when you barely have enough money to cover rent.

People have fear in abundance. We live in a culture where terrorist organizations prey on it. Politicians fuel it. Self-help authors capitalize on it. We live in a world where fear is not only something that exists, but something that is a given. It's not if you are afraid, but what you are afraid of.

We are all scared of something. Regardless of what spooks you, fear is a powerful emotion; one that can absolutely cripple your heart and soul. It's an emotion that causes doubt, anxiousness, indecision, conflict, failure, judgment. The power can paralyze. It can weigh you down. It can break loved ones away. But fear is also something that can be harnessed.

I currently have some things in my life that I am afraid of, specifically the fear of failure and the fear of the unknown. The great, wide abyss that is my future terrifies me. I could waste away, waiting for the right decision to fall on my head like an Acme Anvil; I could flip through plan after plan without taking the first leap of faith; I could sit in terror that I will die, poor and alone. Sure, it's dramatic, but it's real and it's really powerful.

OR…

I could use this fear to help determine the realms that scare me. I can introspectively look at the ways I can conquer this fear. I can lean on the support of my nearest and dearest. I can take the first step, knowing that the powerful beast I call self doubt is the biggest competitor against a life of confidence and resilience. I can face those fears, like Harry Potter faces the boggart. I can trust myself, my higher power and basic science that this fear won't scare me to literal death. Fear is powerful, but it teaches you. It teaches you how to be strong, to learn from yourself, and to survive.

So, like any power, you must decide… will the power of fear be used to better you or to destroy you?

Why you have to stop telling me I need to find a man.

"I just want you to find a nice man."
"You are too pretty to be single."
"You're just operating a little behind schedule on settling down."
"I bet your anxiety is because you're single."
"I just want you to settle down and start a family!"
"You'll be such a good mom when it's your turn."
"One of these days you'll find a good guy. I know it."


Yes, these are all things I hear on a weekly, if not daily basis.

I'll let you in on a secret.

I am aware of the fact that I am a 24-year-old single woman.
(Big secret right?!)

I know, I just blew your mind. I am constantly reminded of my relationship status. From cheesy online articles. From Pinterest. From Instagram. From my mother. From my coworkers. I am VERY aware of my singleness. As someone in my mid twenties (hold on... I'm having a quarter life crisis moment at that thought...), there is an extreme pressure to settle down and start a family. I should be married and starting my 2.5 children with a dog and a white picket fence by now.

But guess what? I'm not. I'm not criticizing anyone who is on that track, by all means, you are very lucky to be sharing your life with someone (as long as you are happy and healthy), I'm just not there yet. So as you are commenting on and critiquing my singleness, I want to tell you why you need to stop perpetuating the pressure to change my relationship status.


My life is no less exciting because I am single.
I go out with friends still. I continue to go to the movies. Concerts are the bees knees. Restaurants still have great food when you're not in a relationship. Just because I don't have a significant other doesn't mean that my life gets turned down a few notches on the fun dial.

I DO want a relationship.
Believe it or not, I genuinely desire a relationship with someone who is a good match for me. I can't wait to feel those butterflies, to share kisses, to slow dance around the living room. I look forward to making memories, sharing life experiences and creating a lasting connection with someone that will (hopefully) stand with me through a lifetime of ups and downs. Because I am so excited for that good match, I won't purposefully date people who I know are not good matches. I'm not going to waste my time on people that are already guaranteed dealbreakers. I am excited to find my future partner. But I'm in no rush so stop making me feel like I should be.

I am cultivating many other relationships, just maybe not romantic ones.
My friend group has had my back. They are constantly challenging me, bettering me, inspiring me, loving me. I am putting the time into relationships, into friendships, and into the people who will be there for me if the next guy who "might be the one" ends up NOT being the one. I am growing my support network and I am being loved by them.

I get to be selfish. I mean ... it's self care....
I bought myself a $40 concert ticket because I knew it would fill my soul. I can spend an hour and a half at the gym. I can go out with my girlfriends without checking in. I can try out new lipstick and hairstyles without wondering if someone else will like it. I can flirt with a guy just for fun to boost my confidence. I can, will, and DO take care of myself.

I AM 24 FREAKING YEARS OLD.
I am not some shriveled up 90 year old woman. I am still young enough that people ask me how long I've been out of high school. My biological clock (hypothetically) still has PLENTY of time. Stop making me feel like I'm past my prime. My prime hasn't even hit yet fools!

And lastly...
I do not need a man to validate my life and lifestyle.
I'm doing pretty darn well in the whole life category. I have a great career. I have a great apartment. I have a great roommate. I have a running car that I love. I am surrounded by a loving support network for those days where my life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I am active, healthy and incredible happy.

Sure, I'm excited to find a partner, but my life is NOT lacking right now. So stop making me feel like it is.

A Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Hubby,

Can I call you Hubby? Since I don't quite know who you are yet, let's say that I can. At least it beats out other super annoying pet names like pumpkin, or hun, or sweetie pie. (Let's make it clear that if you call me sweetie pie, you will get a 'sweetie pie' to the face. I mean, I'll totally be giggling as I do it, but you will get pied. I will at least let you pick the flavor…)

I have thought about you. I have pictured what our life would look like, I have pictured our children and I have pictured our relationship, all without knowing your name or your face. I know, I know… that comes off a little creepy but I promise, it's not. I have thought about the standard that I will hold us to and I have thought about the love we will share. And let me say, all of the things I have pictured are probably ridiculously off. They are a culmination of Nicholas Sparks movies, childhood fairytales and classic love songs played on the radio. They are a compilation of tender moments witnessed in coffee shops, of sweet looks in church, of pride and joy in the birth of a child. I have thought about what kind of love we will have and how strong we will be through life's circumstances.

I have to tell you something, my dear Hubby. You married a gem. And I don't mean a shiny, perfectly cut, pristine, sparkly stone. I mean the gritty piece of rock. The unpolished, jagged, tough piece of earth. And I thank you for that. Thank you for taking me at my natural state. Thank you for accepting me with my edges and my quirks, because if you were crazy enough to marry me, you sure as heck know that I'm a different kind of special. However, once you break through the rough exterior and brush off the little flecks of dirt, you'll see the sparkle and the shine. I bet, knowing that I probably picked someone rather awesome, that you will even enhance the shine. And for that I thank you.

I want you to know that I love you. Despite my love for you, I know that I will have moments where I can't stand you. I will have moments that I am offended by you. I will have moments where I'm so angry at you that I could (and possibly will) scream. But know that when I say I'm sorry, I am putting down my shield of pride and taking a step toward you. Know that when I say I love you, I mean it with every ounce of my soul. When I say I love you, it might not come out in those three little words. My love for you will be something I learn from, study and grow. I pray that it will teach me and challenge me. And I pray that your love for me does the same; that it teaches you, and grows you. I pray that we continuously put effort into our love and deny it the opportunity to grow stagnant. I pray that you are ALWAYS my lover, my friend and my warrior.

With our marriage, my sweet husband, I hope that your love for the Lord bonds us with a strength that is unbreakable by this world. I pray that our relationship inspires us to live lives that make those around us, but more so those above us, proud. I pray that we depend on each other. Rely on each other. Build each other. Romance each other. Pray FOR each other.

Hubby, I promise to be the wife that holds you accountable without forcing you into avenues that fit my personal agenda. Sure, I will try and get you to come to that conclusion on your own but I promise not to be forceful. As your wife, we will approach things together. I will make the effort to let you know that you are loved and you are cared for. We will be servants to each other. Not in a Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia kind of way. We will serve each other in a sense that I will listen to your love languages and respond to you in ways that make you feel important. That make you feel loved. Because I love you. And I always will.

So to my husband, who I may or may not have met yet in my life, I want to say that I am praying for you. I'm sending love into the stars so that they can watch down and keep you safe from harm. I'm looking forward to the day where our hello's are uttered and the lightbulb illuminates. I can't wait to tell you I love you and that you're the one I have been waiting for this whole time. 

It will be you.

Always.

My heart is yours,

Your Future Wife