Spanx Are The Devil: 57 thoughts while getting ready to go out.

I was getting ready to go out last night for a laid back evening at the country bar that I go to frequently. The bar is just a bunch of Portlandians getting some linedancing in on a Saturday night. Nothing too spectacular, yet as a single woman, I feel the need to put on a little extra eye makeup and a pushup bra. It's sad that we feel like we have to do these things, but I find that I gain a little self-confidence when all the hairs are in the right places and the eyeliner goes on right the first time around.

If you're anything like me though, you go through about thirty outfits before figuring out something that makes you feel semi-decent. You pin your bangs up. You curl your hair. You realize you don't want your bangs pinned but then they're kinked from the bobby pin. It's a hard process. So many decisions. So I decided to document some thoughts that go through my head when I'm getting ready.


2 hours prior to leaving the house:

I should probably start getting ready.
Meh, I have plenty of time.
I'll start after this last episode of Criminal Minds.
I wish Shemar Moore was at the bar...
I really don't want to pick out an outfit.
What do I even have clean?!
I'll wear a dress. That doesn't require multiple pieces to coordinate.
I didn't shave my legs...
Meh. I have blond hair. Whatever.
No one is feeling my legs anyway. YOLO.
I hate the word YOLO.

1 hour prior to leaving the house:
I didn't wash my hair today... I guess I'll curl it.
Why is there one piece of hair that NEVER curls right. It's my James Dean curl. Such a little rebel.
I love curls.
My hair is totally going to be straight by the time I get home.
Maybe I'll use hairspray for once.
Great, now I look like a lion.
With how poofy my hair is now, it's amazing at how flat it will get at the bar...
How long until my hair goes totally straight?
I should probably do my makeup.
If I had a dollar for every step it took to get ready, I'd have like $50.00.
Where is the line between sexy eye makeup, and dead hooker?
Winged Eyeliner is like glitter... fantastic if done right, horrendous if done wrong.
My eye makeup looks bomb. Time for mascara.
Fuddgggeeeee. I just got mascara all over my eye.
Can I get this off without ruining everything?
I just ruined everything.
I hate being a girl.

30 minutes prior to leaving the house:
Makeup. DONE. Hair. Done. Clothes... Fudge.
Why did Eve have to eat the apple? It'd be so much easier if everyone could be naked.
Why do I have so many dresses? I don't even wear these that often.
That dress is too slutty for this occasion.
That dress is too business-y.
Why is this so hard? Screw it, I'll just wear the same one I always wear.
This dress is see-through though so I need to wear my Spanx.
Yes, I wear Spanx, don't judge me.
Spanx are the DEVIL.
Why are these so tight?
I'm not going to be able to get these on.
Damn, I look skinny.
THAT'S why they're so tight.
I wonder if these are squishing my organs.
Speaking of squished organs, I have to pee.
I'm holding it until I can't hold it no more...because these are HARD to get on.
Look how funny my butt looks in these things. It's, like... too perky.
Alright, I think I'm ready to go.
Nope, my hair got flat already.
Flat hair will ruin confidence. Hair powder is a godsend.
I'm a little hungry, I should probably eat something, especially if I'm going to have a drink at the bar.
Okay, maybe two and a half pieces of pizza was too much...
Thank God I'm wearing Spanx or else I'd look like a bloated cow.
Why do I always eat a ton of food before going out?
Okay, let's do this...


5 minutes AFTER leaving the house:
I totally should have worn jeans, my hair is already flat again and I think I just smudged my lipstick.
Why do I even bother?!
Next time, I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie.
Screw it, I'm awesome. Let's go have fun.

The point is, confidence is key. Go forth and rock your night. Love your bod, love your friends and love your night out <3