Why I left my salaried desk job to wait tables in a tourist town.

I turned 25 this year. I was doing all the right things. I had a great job, amazing friends, a great church, a paid off car, money in my savings account, a 401(k). I was on track for the typical American dream. Life was perfect!

But there was an appetite that wasn't quite satiated and I didn't know what it was. Until a little voice popped into my head.

Let's rewind a bit.

In college, I became best friends with two girls. After graduation we went our separate ways but remained super close. One of my girlfriends had moved to Central Oregon, just a couple hours away. I LOVED visiting the area but even when my ex-boyfriend mentioned moving there, I always said that I could never live in the desert. It was a beautiful place to visit, but not necessarily my scene. Not enough greenery, and it was a small town. Didn't he know I was a city girl now?! Duh, obviously!

Well, funny thing about when you say never…

In January, the three of us girls united in Bend, OR for a weekend of sledding and girl time. It had been ages. We were having a blast giggling, catching up and adventuring together. As we were driving through the mountains on our way to go sledding, a little voice in the back of my head said, "You are going to move to Bend."

"Nope," I thought in response to this voice that was very clearly not my own, "I am definitely not moving here. There's lots of snow and it's a desert! A high desert but still...I can't live in the desert!"

As quickly as the conversation began, my internal dialogue with this voice was over. But how did I think of this?! Like I mentioned, this was clearly not my idea. For those that know me, my faith is a HUGE part of my life, and for those that don't know me... well… now you know. As corny and cliche as it might sound, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord was speaking to me; calling me to Bend. And I wasn't down to go.

The next day, as we ventured back to Portland, I thought about that commanding little voice in the back of my head. There was so much power to that one little statement. And SO many questions that accompanied it. We arrived back in Portland just in time for me to make it to the evening service at my home church. As I was standing there worshipping, I couldn't get the thought of how wonderful of a time I'd had in Bend that weekend. One of the associate pastors said the announcements and then our lead pastor took the stage for his message. This message was a little unique. Being the first sermon of the new year, he was speaking of the upcoming plans our church had for 2016, some of which included two new church plants that we were a part of in Vancouver, WA and …. wait for it … in Bend, OR. My heart was beating out of my chest and my eyes got all teary like they oftentimes do. If we're being honest, I don't even really remember what he was talking about in regards to the plant, but I remember distinctly saying in my head, "Okay Lord… I'm listening. I heard you yesterday and I hear you today."

 'What's a church plant?' you may be asking. Well, to put it simply, it is a group of people starting a new church. I went home and kept turning over these two experiences again and again. I had no idea what to do with these pieces, but I wanted to know more.

The next evening, I was on the phone with my mom while driving home from work, discussing the amazingly fun weekend I'd had in Bend and all of the cool people I had met. Without telling Mom about the super cool Jesus-moments I'd had, she says to me, "I don't know why, but I kept thinking over and over again about how well you would do in Bend." That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started crying.

"Mom, I think the Lord is calling me to Bend."

***

Six months later, there was a Uhaul parked in my apartment complex's parking lot. I had quit my job, found a minimum wage serving job at a chain restaurant that I had worked for in Portland, been offered a room in my best friend's apartment with her and her boyfriend, and was packing to leave a city that had taught me more than I could have ever anticipated. My Portland family helped me load up and I was on the road.

The tears started flowing about 10 miles away from my apartment… probably not the safest thing to happen when you're driving a 15' Uhaul truck, but let's be real...they couldn't be stopped. I was doing one of the craziest things I'd ever done. I was taking a 50% pay cut. Literally. I was leaving a church family that had helped me grow in my faith ten-fold. I was saying goodbye to one of the best roommates I've ever had. I was leaving a job with some of the most inspirational and loving people I had ever met. And I was terrified.

If we're honest, I'm still a little terrified. It's been two weeks since I've moved to Bend. I had forgotten how HARD serving is. I am getting used to a new schedule. I am trying to maintain long-distance friendships while managing to grow and develop new friendships down here. It's hard. My equilibrium is off. No one likes change, and this experience has literally changed every single piece of my life. But the beauty of this crazy, terrifying, exciting, nerve-wracking, wonderful adventure is that I am following a God that loves me so much. He loves me so much that He has created a family in Bend that has made this transition SO much easier on me. He has called me to help with a church of genuine, loving, Godly people that inspire me with their faith on a daily basis without being judgmental bible-thumpers. He has used my act of faith to encourage and inspire other people to follow their adventures.

While I am terrified of this change, I'm also incredibly humbled by the support of those around me. If you have had any part in this crazy adventure I'm on, I want you to take a minute and wrap your arms around your shoulders and give yourself a big-fat-squeezey-Bueller hug. Thank you for giving me strength, for giving me words of affirmation, for giving me hugs and kleenex when I had my hot-mess moments (you know who you are…), for praying for me and this plant team and for holding my hand through a crazy new phase of my life.

God is so good you guys. He's got big plans for this church plant and I can't wait to share how He's going to use us in this city.

So today, I'll leave you with this...

"This is my command. Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord our God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9


XOXO Sarah

When the pieces ACTUALLY fit together.

Have you ever worked on a puzzle? You sit down, look at all those little pieces and have that little moment of doubt like, "How in the world am I going to make all 1,000 of these little tiny pieces fit into one picture?"

You go to start the puzzle.

In my personal experience, most people start with the edges. They've got a concrete place. A reference point. So you begin by filling in the basic outline. That's the easy part. And then when it comes time to fill in the middle, it gets harder.

You turn the puzzle piece every which way and it doesn't fit. You see a piece that seems like it's supposed to fit. It looks perfect. The shape is the same. The cuts look right. But when you go to place the piece, it's a little bit off. Or it's a lot bit off. And your heart sinks a little bit. It's even worse when you're focused in on a specific missing piece. It seems like you're never going to find the match.

Personally, puzzles drive me bonkers. They take so much time, so much focus, and so much dedication. I make it through the egde of the puzzle and then get bored, or frustrated, or distracted with the chaos of the inside. I think one of the reasons I don't like puzzles is because I'm a worrier.

I'm a worrier. A stress-er. A 'check the plan three times and then check once more before I execute the plan'-er. It's how I was wired and despite my efforts to let things go without a plan, I always develop one by go-time. So if you're anything like me, aka a Control Freak, you like having all of your ducks in a row. When those little quackers wander, or hide in the duck pond, or jump off a cliff, it drives you batty. Like legitimately causing anxiety. Your pieces aren't fitting and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

Do you get to this place in your life where you have the outline set, but the middle gets to you? I do. Often. I get annoyed that I'm finding all the wrong pieces; the ones that aren't fitting. Whether it's the people to spend my time with, the career, the guy to date, the car issues, the financial burdens. There are a LOT of moving pieces in life. Way more than the thousand pieces in a puzzle. Sometimes it seems like all of the pieces will never comes together.

But then when you are about to flip the puzzle table (because everyone devotes the table for a couple days, right?), you find one piece that clicks into place. Someone offers you a place to live. And then another. A friend helps replace some car parts. And then you get a job offer. And people are offering to help you move. And click... and click... and click...

Next thing you know, you have a blob of pieces floating around inside the outline of your puzzle.

When the pieces start falling together, you realize how much you can endure. The life puzzle teaches patience. It teaches you to ask for help. To work together. To stay determined. To look for the next piece. To turn the pieces a couple different ways. And to not give up.

Trust that the pieces will fit together because when they actually start fitting, you get the most beautiful picture.

Three reasons why I think that God rides a motorcycle.

I'm pretty sure that God rides a motorcycle.

This weekend, I accompanied a friend of mine on a 4-hour motorcycle ride through the beautiful Cascade Mountain Range. If you have never been on a motorcycle before, it's hard to describe the rush of adrenaline that kicks in when you hear the rumble of the motor kicking up. My heart instantly started beating faster with the anticipation of the wind surrounding me. As the passenger,  I climbed awkwardly onto the little back seat and we left the house. I was like a little kid going to Disneyland. My smile was smooshed by the tightness of the helmet, but it was ear to ear nonetheless.

We headed toward our destination, zipping -very responsibly, might I add- through traffic, finally hitting Highway 22 which winds through the Oregon countryside. As I held on (probably too tightly), I was immediately overwhelmed with peace. Despite the fact that we were going sixty miles per hour with nothing but a padded jacket and a helmet separating me from the asphalt, I was washed with a serene calmness. Alone with my thoughts, I realized that God probably rides a motorcycle, inviting us to be the passenger on a windy, but scenic, drive.

1) It can be kind of uncomfortable at first, but you get the hang of it.
It's hard to understand the feeling of a motorcycle until you hop on. The driver can give you all the necessary instructions on how to lean, where to sit, how to hold on, but until you actually make the commitment of saddling up, it's kind of a foreign concept. You hop on the bike and once it starts going, you can't just jump off. This is how I felt when learning about my faith. I had put on my helmet; I was sitting on the back seat, waiting for the Lord to lift the kickstand and take off; I was uncomfortably committed, holding on tightly, not knowing what to expect. But once you start going, it gets easier, more normal, and more comfortable. You learn how to hold on, how to listen for the rhythms of the driver shifting gears, how to sit relatively comfortably on the not-so-comfortable seat. You get the hang of it, but it doesn't come easily immediately.

2) You aren't driving, yet you have the power to crash the bike.
The first and MOST IMPORTANT lesson when getting on the back of the bike is to lean with the driver. In order for the physics of the bike to work, you have to lean where the driver leans. If you do not move with the driver, you have the power to cause a crash. God has a plan for us and He's leaning into His curves, His route, His calculated path, but unfortunately, we have the power to lean away and to crash the bike based on our stupid human decisions. After making it to our destination, my friend and I went to grab some dinner before meeting up with our larger group of friends. We pulled into a parking spot and as I went to get off the bike, my foot got caught. We almost toppled over, but thankfully my ah-mazing driver had solid footing and kept us upright despite my clumsiness. Our Heavenly driver can hold us up too when we falter.

3) You're able to view the world from a whole new perspective.
I have driven Highway 22 countless times, but never had I realized how turquoise the water is in the Santiam River. Never had I realized where the temperature outside changes as you drive into the pass. Never had I realized how easily you could spot bigfoot... Okay maybe I'm kidding on the bigfoot thing, but the point is that without the hindrance of the car walls and windows, I was able to view the beauty surrounding me in a completely different way. When was the last time that you took a second to see things from a new perspective? To take some uninterrupted time to view the beauty the He has created? When God rides his motorcycle with us as His passenger, we don't focus on the road, but on what we can see while He drives.


So yes, I think God rides a motorcycle and He's constantly inviting us to go on a beautifully scenic and awe-inspiring cruise with Him. It takes trust, and practice and courage, but the view is SO worth it.

Grab your helmet and hop on.

When you ask "What's next?"

"What's Next?"

You whisper under you breath.
Knowing that you would be the only one to hear those two little words.
When you get to a point of exasperated questioning.
You just don't know.
How do I fit?
Where is my path?
You inhale, with the weight of the future on your chest.
You exhale all the stress that led up to it.
It sinks in that you don't know.
You just don't know.
And in that moment, the fear of the unknown cripples you.
Your always-planned-out life is so far from where you thought it would be.
Not in a bad way, just not where you expected.
But you mutter those little words into the sky.

"What's Next?"

The chaos is palpable.
Thoughts bounce from one realm to the next.
You asked it into the unknown.
The words leave your lips and fear starts to bubble.
The anxiety hits.
'I don't know what's next,' you think to yourself.
But then you feel it.
You feel the calm of knowing that you are taken care of.
The peace of not knowing, and being okay with that.
With closed eyes.
Hands open to receive whatever is meant to come your way.
Whatever your higher power, the universe, or the winds of change move into your life.
You are ready to accept it.
Because you asked that little powerful question.

"What's Next?"

The fear is still there. The questions haven't disappeared.
But you know.
Next is unknown.
Next is malleable.
You know that in the moments of uncertainty, Next will show it's face.
It will open it's arms and embrace your discomfort.
It will give you safe refuge.
It might not be easy, but it will be worth it.
You realize that giving yourself up so wholly to the universe creates a vulnerability that you have never known.
A vulnerability that is equally terrifying and empowering.

"What's Next?"

Despite the fear, there is comfort.
Comfort in knowing that your open stance will bring to fruition an adventure like none you have ever experienced.
You breathe again.
Deeper.
Stronger.
More powerful.
The crippling fear turns into an elixir of excitement.
You savor the sweet buzz of what could be.
All because you had the courage to ask yourself.

"What's Next?"

The three ways Instant Gratification ruins our lives and how we can stop it.

We live in a world of instant gratification. It's surrounding us.

There are drive-thru restaurants, coffee shops, liquor stores, banks, and equipment repair stations. You drive up, place your order, and within 5-15 minutes, you have your product. Instantly, your needs are met. We have immediate access to technology. We have internet at our fingertips, almost everywhere we go. You can pull up a youtube video on the train to work, or stream a movie when your child is misbehaving at the doctor's office. We have access to communication that lets us interact with people all over the world… for free… whenever we want. Facebook, Skype, LinkedIn, Twitter, Instagram. I have two separate friends who met the loves of their lives on Instagram. In DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. Crazy? Absolutely! Incredible? You're darn right. Romantic? Ummm, duh.

The point is, it's all immediate. Aside from waiting to meet your soul mate as they travel around the globe, we have access to a world that is right under our noses. Which can be a beautiful thing. Parents can meet their newborn children while serving their country in foreign wars. A post on twitter can help Mark Ruffalo find his cell phone in NYC within 20 minutes of losing it. Friendships can be created with people you never would have met in day to day life.

However, there is a flip side to a world of instant gratification. We get greedy. We get impatient. We get irritated quickly. I find myself regularly sighing with malcontent when my Pandora station takes forever to load the next song. I get annoyed when someone doesn't text me back quickly. I get frustrated when my GoogleMaps directs me to the wrong location. "No Siri! I do not want to be at McDonald's in China! I'm in Portland! UGH!"

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that despite the convenience, Instant Gratification is ruining my life, and this is how:

1. My Health Life.
How many Pinterest pins start with, lose 10 pounds in ten days? How many infomercials have ads for supplements that will help you "get rid of that problem area in two weeks or less!"? There are wraps, pills, shakes and even cookies to help you hit your goal weight. These 'Get Skinny Quick' diets are ruining our bodies. They are denying the nutrition we need to survive. They are creating an unhealthy lifestyle where our bodies can fluctuate so drastically, which takes it's toll. It's also creating a downward-spiraling body image issue. If you are unsuccessful at losing that ten pounds in ten days, are you more likely to jump on a treadmill to work even harder or are you likely to binge that pint of leftover ice cream in your freezer? Because we expect the immediate change we're accustomed to, giving up happens quite frequently. If we ARE successful with these schemes, they don't last. Unfortunately, the real way to make the fix is the hard way, the drawn out way, but the successful way; making the healthy life choices of clean eating and exercise.

2. My Dating Life.
Dating is not dead, it has just morphed into this ugly monster of instant gratification. You meet at a party, this cute guy gets your number, he texts you an invite to come over and watch a movie, you make out or whatever it may be, you leave, you don't get a text until next time he wants to "watch a movie." There is even a term for this type of hookup.... Netflix and Chill. (Barf. Why ruin the sanctity of Netflix?!) What happened to putting time into getting to know someone? What happened to grabbing coffee or dinner and learning what her favorite movie is, or her favorite author? Hook-up culture is something that is more common than dating these days. I'm not saying that there isn't a time and place for this, because there definitely can be, but I don't feel like it should be the norm. Our culture of instant gratification is to blame for that. Be patient. Get to know people. Date, like a real date. Put in the effort. Please.

3. My Concept of Time.
When we are immediately granted our needs, life moves at an increasingly fast pace. Every iPhone update includes, "Faster This" and "Streamlined That." Therefore when something takes two minutes to load instead of 12 seconds, we flip out. We get frustrated. We complain. When someone takes an hour to text you back, we take it personally. We get frustrated. We complain. Our time consciousness is off because we are so used to getting things right away. It's the ultimate first world problem. We lose the gratitude for all that we have access to and get angry over the little time inconveniences.


So yes, instant gratification is ruining my life but I have the power to stop that. I have the power to be patient, to put in effort, to have grace, to have compassion, to get to know people, to get to know myself. I will not expect things. I will live in the moment. And I will remind myself these things when I'm frustrated at Netflix, or at someone who cancels plans last minute.

I will be gratuitous, even if it doesn't come instantaneously.

Why my Roommate is the best thing that happened to me in 2015

Let me just start off saying that I have had a LOT of roommates. Seven to be exact. Girls are hard to live with, myself included. It's even harder to be friends with your roommate. When the dishes pile up, you get annoyed, and the last thing you want to do is be besties with the perpetrator.

But when you find a good roommate, you know. When you find a great roommate, people will start questioning your sexuality, and you don't even care because you can't imagine doing stuff without your platonic other half. 

With that bond comes a great year of memories and many reasons why my roommate was the best thing that happened to me in 2015:

The bat-shit-crazy stuff she says.

If I had a dollar for every time I laughed at something crazy my roommate said, I would be a gazillionaire. Whether she's trying to cheer me up, annoy me, or just having a conversation, my roommate says some of the craziest stuff I've ever heard. Some of my faves...
"Awkward... the romantic music is coming on and I'm over here like I just want another hot dog."

"Can you listen to me in the eyes please?"

"Peace out butter scout."

"If I would have stayed home tonight, I just would have eaten jalapeno dip. What?! At least I'm honest..."

Sending the same guys the same questions on our dating apps.

Sitting next to each other swiping guys left and right. I turn to my roomie and ask if this guy is cute, "Oh I totally just matched with him... Let's send the same message to him and see if he notices..." Hysterical laughter ensues.

Sharing a closet.

AKA Me stealing her clothes. Thanks boo for keeping me stylish.

Drunkenly stumbling into her bed because I want to hang out.

Obviously the best and most crucial time to hang out is at 2:30am when our Uber driver drops us back at home. Sure, you might be sleeping, but who cares?! It's hang out time!! And don't lie, you love it. Or at least your snapchats followers do because let's be honest, I'm hilarious.

Debating what to say to the guys we're texting.

"No don't say that, it's too forward." "Oh, Oh, say this..." "Ew, don't text him back."

It's nice to have that sounding board.

Crying together.

Well, mostly, me crying. Because you're kind of heartless sometimes. But you are always there to listen to my dramatic sobs, and I appreciate that a LOT. And you know I always have your back when you break down and let those tears sneak out.

Ridiculous Youtube videos.

... That we watch from separate rooms in our apartment. And then hear the other person laughing, so we run into the room and watch it again. Laughter ensues even harder.

Wrestling with life decisions.

To go back to your ex or not to go back to your ex. (Don't go back, obviously....) To switch jobs or not? To chop off your hair or not? To go to the gym or not? I love that we can always have these conversations, even if we judge the crap out of each other for the outcome. I'll only judge you for a little bit. (Cough, your ex, cough.) It's just because we love each other. 

Literally wrestling.

Yeah, it happens every once in a while. 

The Snapchats. 

Documenting our crazy lives is one of the funniest and most accurate things about our friendship. From throwing gummy bears at me at the grocery store, to trying to catch popcorn and cookies in our mouths from across the room, to taking apple cider vinegar shots, to drunk ramblings; Our snapchat friends are able to see little bits of the chaos we create.

The CAR-aoke sessions.

"Hello.... It's Me.... I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet." We belt that ish at the top of our lungs. We get really into these songs. We dance, and almost run off the road with our dance moves. We lose our voices. All for the sake of a good car-karaoke (or CAR-aoke) sesh and it's always a blast.

Having you become my best friend.

The longer we live together, the crazier our adventures get. The more awesome inside jokes we rack up. The more stupid quotes. The crazier near death experiences we have while you are driving. I have never been besties AND good roommates with anyone and I am so thankful to share our crazy little Portland adventure together. 

I may have been single for 2015, but I had my roommate, and that might even be better.

Follow our adventures on Instagram #emmieandsarahlove or #myroomieismybestie

My 25 Before 25: The Update

For those of you readers who have been with me for a while, you might remember that shortly after my 23rd birthday, I made a bucket list. Not a lifetime bucket list, but 25 things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 25. I picked 20 of my own ideas and then opened up the floor to 5 additional suggestions. If you're a newbie to No End In Sight, here's the link to the original post: CLICK ME, I'M A LINK! I also followed that up with the completed list (SEE HERE BECAUSE I'M ALSO A LINK!)

Here we are in the last 6 months before the big quarter century mark and I figured I should probably check in to see where I stand on the whole completed vs. to-do thing. Some of these might be difficult to complete but (with the changes marked in Purple) I am determined for all of them to be completed by the big 2-5.

 MY 25 BEFORE 25!!!
1. Complete a mud run. (Completed May 2015) 
2. Get my Concealed Carry license. (Will do with Kaysea and Emmie, Winter 2016) 
3. Check off another state in my list of places I have traveled. (So far I'm at 41) (New York for My Birthday 2016!) 
4. Regularly maintain my blog for at least a year. (Almost two years strong!!) 
5. Go on a mission trip. (Or multiple day service project!) 
6. Attend a professional sporting event. (Go Blazers! Two games so far!) 
7. Donate more than $100 dollars to a worthy charity. (Charity Ideas are welcome!) 
8. Visit my grandma in Arizona. (March 2016) 
9. Keep a plant alive in my house or on my balcony :) (STILL GOING!)
10. Get my Zumba Instructor Certification. (February 2015) 
11. Camp on the beach. (Illegal in Oregon so I might have to get creative!) 
12. Have two months salary saved in my savings account. (September 2015) 
13. Go snow camping. (Winter 2016) 
14. Ride in a hot air balloon.
15. Pay for a strangers coffee. (Multiple times ;) ) 
16. Go fishing with my dad.
17. Make a time capsule to open in 15 years.
18. Pretend I'm really rich and test drive a sports car.
19. Attend an all-weekend music festival.(July/August 2015) 
20. Go on a 10+ mile hike.

And the Extra Five...
21. Take a class, just for fun... I'm deciding on a cooking class!- Alex Savory (Changing it to a sewing class!) 
22. Sell a piece of my own artwork. - Sabrina Bartell
23. Choose a Pinterest project to do each month. - Kelly Meyer (Not quite successful but I will try to hit a total of ten between December 2015-May 2016) 
24. Cook my way through a whole cookbook- Danielle Van Buskirk (and baby Matthew)
25. Play "Messy Twister." (Don't know what that is?! Look at the link here!)- Milan Laurent (With Kelly, Spring 2016) 


 I have got a LOT to do in the next 6 months! Who wants in on this? Anyone want to join me on my leftover items?! Thanks for stopping by and be sure to follow No End In Sight!

Why you have to stop telling me I need to find a man.

"I just want you to find a nice man."
"You are too pretty to be single."
"You're just operating a little behind schedule on settling down."
"I bet your anxiety is because you're single."
"I just want you to settle down and start a family!"
"You'll be such a good mom when it's your turn."
"One of these days you'll find a good guy. I know it."


Yes, these are all things I hear on a weekly, if not daily basis.

I'll let you in on a secret.

I am aware of the fact that I am a 24-year-old single woman.
(Big secret right?!)

I know, I just blew your mind. I am constantly reminded of my relationship status. From cheesy online articles. From Pinterest. From Instagram. From my mother. From my coworkers. I am VERY aware of my singleness. As someone in my mid twenties (hold on... I'm having a quarter life crisis moment at that thought...), there is an extreme pressure to settle down and start a family. I should be married and starting my 2.5 children with a dog and a white picket fence by now.

But guess what? I'm not. I'm not criticizing anyone who is on that track, by all means, you are very lucky to be sharing your life with someone (as long as you are happy and healthy), I'm just not there yet. So as you are commenting on and critiquing my singleness, I want to tell you why you need to stop perpetuating the pressure to change my relationship status.


My life is no less exciting because I am single.
I go out with friends still. I continue to go to the movies. Concerts are the bees knees. Restaurants still have great food when you're not in a relationship. Just because I don't have a significant other doesn't mean that my life gets turned down a few notches on the fun dial.

I DO want a relationship.
Believe it or not, I genuinely desire a relationship with someone who is a good match for me. I can't wait to feel those butterflies, to share kisses, to slow dance around the living room. I look forward to making memories, sharing life experiences and creating a lasting connection with someone that will (hopefully) stand with me through a lifetime of ups and downs. Because I am so excited for that good match, I won't purposefully date people who I know are not good matches. I'm not going to waste my time on people that are already guaranteed dealbreakers. I am excited to find my future partner. But I'm in no rush so stop making me feel like I should be.

I am cultivating many other relationships, just maybe not romantic ones.
My friend group has had my back. They are constantly challenging me, bettering me, inspiring me, loving me. I am putting the time into relationships, into friendships, and into the people who will be there for me if the next guy who "might be the one" ends up NOT being the one. I am growing my support network and I am being loved by them.

I get to be selfish. I mean ... it's self care....
I bought myself a $40 concert ticket because I knew it would fill my soul. I can spend an hour and a half at the gym. I can go out with my girlfriends without checking in. I can try out new lipstick and hairstyles without wondering if someone else will like it. I can flirt with a guy just for fun to boost my confidence. I can, will, and DO take care of myself.

I AM 24 FREAKING YEARS OLD.
I am not some shriveled up 90 year old woman. I am still young enough that people ask me how long I've been out of high school. My biological clock (hypothetically) still has PLENTY of time. Stop making me feel like I'm past my prime. My prime hasn't even hit yet fools!

And lastly...
I do not need a man to validate my life and lifestyle.
I'm doing pretty darn well in the whole life category. I have a great career. I have a great apartment. I have a great roommate. I have a running car that I love. I am surrounded by a loving support network for those days where my life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I am active, healthy and incredible happy.

Sure, I'm excited to find a partner, but my life is NOT lacking right now. So stop making me feel like it is.

Uh Oh... Your Humanness is showing.

I have this delusional idea that I am not human.

I’m not talking like Alien, Mutant, Wizard, etc. I’m talking about a perfect human. The one who does not make mistakes. The one who always has her ISH together. Believe it or not, I am not that special, crazy, awesome, perfect human, despite the fact that I hold myself to that standard.

The other day, I was sitting at brunch with a group of my favorite people, talking to a friend who had left her keys at my house the night before. She turned to me and asked for her keys (which I was supposed to bring). I froze. I think my jaw literally dropped. My heart stopped... and then proceeded to speed up ridiculously fast. My palms got sweaty. I began apologizing incessantly. I had forgotten her keys and we were a half an hour away from my apartment. How could I have done something so stupid?! My mind started to freak out; You're a horrible friend; You literally had one thing to remember; You drove all the way out here to bring her the keys. It kept going in my head, criticizing my forgetfulness, but let’s pause for some back story…

You see, I suffer from the desire to appear perfect. I don’t necessarily want to BE perfect (because let’s be honest, that’s impossible and my bedroom will always be an explosion of chaos), but I want others to think I am as close as possible. I would blame social media but it started long before my addiction to Facebook, Instagram and Blogger. In high school, I thoroughly enjoyed being the goody two shoes, the Susie-High-School, and the student body leader. I enjoyed the challenge. My ENFJ personality type thrived on human interaction and helping others, and soon developed into the aspiration of being a role model. You might be thinking, it’s not a bad thing to want to be a good influence, and you’d be right, however, the desire to want to be a ‘perfect role model’ can be an unrealistic expectation to set upon someone, especially yourself!

My idea of perfection wasn’t in straight A’s, or in my appearance or by having a super hot boyfriend, but in the way I helped people. I wanted to be the perfect helper. So I tried to be that perfect helper. I offered to help friends move. I took care of all the girls whose hearts had been broken. I picked up the drunk party-goers from the bar at 2:30am. I gave advice to the friend-zoned guy on the bus. I offered hugs to anyone who needed them. I did these things because I genuinely wanted to help and wanted to give love to those around me. But somehow in the midst of caring for all of my surrounding humans, I felt the pressure rise and lead by example without taking care of myself. I gave help but refused to take help. I wanted to be the strong, independent woman, or human in general, that I was encouraging everyone else to be. I started holding myself to an unrealistic standard of strength and independence.

Hence my need for ‘perfection’.

Now, let’s come back to the brunch story.

As my internal insult attack streamed and my verbal apology mutterings continued, one of the guys at our table turned to me and said something that totally shook me.

"Uh oh... Your humanness is showing." The sarcasm was thick with this one, but the message was loud and clear.

The mental self-attack stopped right away. My mind clicked, almost audibly. Um hello, perspective. Newsflash sweetheart, you’re human. You’re not perfect.

Why do we do this to ourselves?! My instant reaction to belittle myself for a simple honest mistake was something familiar to me. What wasn't normal was the reality check of a simple sarcastic comment.

This little epiphany has been following me around like the little voice in the back of my head…which got me thinking… and that is always a dangerous thing.

We are humans. We forget the car keys. We say the wrong things. We accidentally cuss in front of a child. We make questionable life decisions. We make straight-up BAD life decisions. We let our humanness show. The beauty is that we are all human. Unless you’re incredibly original and off-the-wall, the majority of humans around you have made a similar mistake, if not the same exact one. Most people wouldn’t hold you to a perfect standard, so why do it to yourself?!

So in the midst of our humanness, cut yourself some slack. Shake it off cowgirl. Rub some dirt on it and move on because Hell hasn’t frozen over. The world is still turning.

Sometimes, we just need new eyes to realize that an honest mistake is not the end all be all. Mistakes happen, but you’ve got this. Keep on humaning, people. You’re doing great and don’t you forget it!

A Letter to My Future Husband

Dear Hubby,

Can I call you Hubby? Since I don't quite know who you are yet, let's say that I can. At least it beats out other super annoying pet names like pumpkin, or hun, or sweetie pie. (Let's make it clear that if you call me sweetie pie, you will get a 'sweetie pie' to the face. I mean, I'll totally be giggling as I do it, but you will get pied. I will at least let you pick the flavor…)

I have thought about you. I have pictured what our life would look like, I have pictured our children and I have pictured our relationship, all without knowing your name or your face. I know, I know… that comes off a little creepy but I promise, it's not. I have thought about the standard that I will hold us to and I have thought about the love we will share. And let me say, all of the things I have pictured are probably ridiculously off. They are a culmination of Nicholas Sparks movies, childhood fairytales and classic love songs played on the radio. They are a compilation of tender moments witnessed in coffee shops, of sweet looks in church, of pride and joy in the birth of a child. I have thought about what kind of love we will have and how strong we will be through life's circumstances.

I have to tell you something, my dear Hubby. You married a gem. And I don't mean a shiny, perfectly cut, pristine, sparkly stone. I mean the gritty piece of rock. The unpolished, jagged, tough piece of earth. And I thank you for that. Thank you for taking me at my natural state. Thank you for accepting me with my edges and my quirks, because if you were crazy enough to marry me, you sure as heck know that I'm a different kind of special. However, once you break through the rough exterior and brush off the little flecks of dirt, you'll see the sparkle and the shine. I bet, knowing that I probably picked someone rather awesome, that you will even enhance the shine. And for that I thank you.

I want you to know that I love you. Despite my love for you, I know that I will have moments where I can't stand you. I will have moments that I am offended by you. I will have moments where I'm so angry at you that I could (and possibly will) scream. But know that when I say I'm sorry, I am putting down my shield of pride and taking a step toward you. Know that when I say I love you, I mean it with every ounce of my soul. When I say I love you, it might not come out in those three little words. My love for you will be something I learn from, study and grow. I pray that it will teach me and challenge me. And I pray that your love for me does the same; that it teaches you, and grows you. I pray that we continuously put effort into our love and deny it the opportunity to grow stagnant. I pray that you are ALWAYS my lover, my friend and my warrior.

With our marriage, my sweet husband, I hope that your love for the Lord bonds us with a strength that is unbreakable by this world. I pray that our relationship inspires us to live lives that make those around us, but more so those above us, proud. I pray that we depend on each other. Rely on each other. Build each other. Romance each other. Pray FOR each other.

Hubby, I promise to be the wife that holds you accountable without forcing you into avenues that fit my personal agenda. Sure, I will try and get you to come to that conclusion on your own but I promise not to be forceful. As your wife, we will approach things together. I will make the effort to let you know that you are loved and you are cared for. We will be servants to each other. Not in a Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia kind of way. We will serve each other in a sense that I will listen to your love languages and respond to you in ways that make you feel important. That make you feel loved. Because I love you. And I always will.

So to my husband, who I may or may not have met yet in my life, I want to say that I am praying for you. I'm sending love into the stars so that they can watch down and keep you safe from harm. I'm looking forward to the day where our hello's are uttered and the lightbulb illuminates. I can't wait to tell you I love you and that you're the one I have been waiting for this whole time. 

It will be you.

Always.

My heart is yours,

Your Future Wife

That fickle b*tch named Timing.

I will warn you now, I'm going to use the word bitch in this blog post... more than once. If that offends you, please go and enjoy your episode of Care Bears.



Have you ever heard someone say, "I wish I had time for that," or, "It's just not the right time?"

As humans, we are under the impression that time controls everything. It's not a totally bogus notion. Time has a control on many things; when you get your drivers license, when you can legally start drinking, when I start freaking out about being late... Oh wait... I control that one.

I am NOTORIOUS for blaming things on timing. It's why I didn't sell my devil-possessed Volkswagen Jetta after the bazillionth time it broke down. It's why I continued to stay at a job I hated. It's why I didn't sneak a smooch from that guy before we said goodnight. It's why I get scared about the future. It's like I think that a little timing fairy is just going to pop up and say, "You've had the appropriate experiences now, I'm going to grant you the best timing ever right... NOW! Aw shit, you missed it.... Well, there it went. You'll never get that back now." That timing fairy is a real bitch like that, ya know?!

From a self-proclaimed control freak, timing can be one of my best friends or my worst enemies. I rely greatly on scheduling and planning, but timing has a way of jumbling that plan like a Western Scramble at the local breakfast cafe.

In the grand scheme of things, us humans are led to believe that timing controls much more than our schedules. We think that 'timing is everything' and that the grand timing gods put things and pieces into our lives just when the moment is right. Don't get me wrong, I fully believe (due to my Christian faith) that God has the perfect timing on certain things that may not have worked out as well at another place in my life, but I also think that our collective idea of timing is a little bit of a cop out.

That Fickle Bitch Named Timing can be summed up by my newest little creative equation:

(Availability of Resources) + (Opportunity x The Ability to Pull One's Head Out of His/Her Ass) = TIMING

Let's break this bad boy down to the components...

Availability of Resources-
I will admit that this is the most legitimate excuse for why the timing isn't right. If you physically do not have the money to buy the new car you want, and you can't get a loan, it's very probable that the timing is wrong. Availability of Resources isn't necessarily money, but it could also be an emotional state. Did you just go through a painful divorce? If so, it might not be the right time for you to throw a giant engagement party for your coworker. It's not that you don't want to, it just could be emotional tolling beyond a healthy level. You have to have the appropriate tool belt to work with at that moment.

Opportunity-
Opportunity is a tricky one because sometimes it's created and sometimes it's stumbled upon. By reaching out to a couple different companies in the interest of learning more about the career of Wedding Coordinating, I stumbled upon a killer internship with a great event management company in Portland. That cute guy is in town this week? That looks like opportunity if I've ever seen it; go grab coffee! Create an opportunity to get to know someone, to get to know a situation, to gather the necessary pieces and to get to know what opportunity looks like! I believe that opportunity is a combo of searching for openings as well as looking where you can insert yourself.

The Ability to Pull One's Head Out of His/Her Ass-
THIS IS THE BIGGEST MAKE-OR-BREAK COMPONENT OF TIMING. We are so wrapped up in our own heads that we often times forget to look outside of our blinders. LOOK UP! Yes, you just started talking to the girl who works in the office next to yours. You could continue to sit on the park bench outside at lunch time or you could eat lunch with her! She might become one of your best friends. The point is to be looking around, seeing what the world has in store for you. If you stay too wrapped up in your own thoughts, you will consistently be convincing yourself that the timing will never be right.


When the Opportunity is right but you have ZERO awareness of your surroundings, the timing will be off. When you can't find any opportunity despite the fact that you're looking, you're at zero again (because you're not looking hard enough).



Timing is everything but it is also extremely overrated. SEIZE THE TIMING.  Collect the resources you need, gain experience where you can and look for opportunity. You can trick that fickle bitch named timing into doing things your way. Don't let timing be an issue. Live in the moment. As the great Ferris Bueller once said, "Time moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."








Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Why it kills me to wait for your text.

I sit here looking at my phone every ten minutes. More like every ten seconds. I think to myself, "Maybe my phone accidentally got turned to vibrate. Maybe I just didn't hear the buzz of my text tone. Maybe I just didn't see my phone light up. Oh... It's on full volume. That light was from Instagram."

I have become that girl. The one who is waiting for your text. I have become my countless number of girlfriends whom I have lectured so many times. I'd say to them, "who cares if he texts you, you're bad ass with or without him," or "don't worry, I'm sure he is just trying not to seem clingy." They'd give me ten thousand reasons why he hadn't texted them. I would find some awesomely empowering Pinterest photo with a beautiful back drop and a cute handwritten font that would tell my friend that patience is important, blah, blah, blah.

So I tried doing all of those things to myself. I found a solid Instagram photo. I talked about it all day and got opinions from way too many people, all of which I respect, none of which I listened to. The opinions all went one of two very distinct and very opposite directions; some said that I should totally text him so he knows I'm interested, and the others told me to chill out and wait for him to make the next move. Either way, we're playing into this dating game.

The dating game is a tricky topic. I'm not talking about the 60's TV show where you get to pick a secret contestant based on his silly answers. I'm talking about the world of communication, of asking each other out, of trying to be just interested enough to keep them around, yet not too interested to seem obsessed. Games involve strategy, skill and motivation. All things that no one wants to hear about when dating is involved. A skillful dater sounds like someone who is afraid of commitment; you get the prize and then run to the next competition. A strategic dater sounds like someone who plays all the ladies; he is the ultimate player. A motivated dater sounds like a horny dude, trying to get some action. Regardless of which type of competitor is involved in your game, the point is that you're playing for individual trophies, when in reality, you want your team to win.

So as I sit here, wondering if he's playing some game, keeping myself distracted by building bookshelves and watching my roommate do the 'whip/nae nae' dance thing that I don't even understand, I will take a step back. I'll listen to the advice that I have given so many of my friends...

His loss if he's not interested. Awesomely exciting if he is. Regardless of whether I hear from him or I don't, it is not a direct reflection of me, or how I conducted myself when we hung out. I am funny, I am cool, I am smart, I am not reliant on the little buzz of a cell phone and I do not need any validation from anyone other than the voice inside my head. I am better than that; better than worrying about if you're interested.

Now time to put the phone away and go back to life.

24 thoughts when you turn 24

Last week I turned twenty four. There's nothing exciting about twenty four. No milestones. No ridiculous cards with your number on the front. You're at the point where it's no longer exciting for someone to check your ID. You automatically pull the little plastic card from your wallet because you still look closer to twenty than to forty. It's the beginning of the boring birthday's; the seventeenth birthday of your twenties.

Don't get me wrong, I love birthdays. I'm going to be the woman turning 43 who still has birthday parties. If I make it to the big milestones like 70, 75, 80 years old, you can damn well bet that I'll still be celebrating. Maybe I'll take after my grandma and go skydiving for my 65th birthday. Who knows.

Twenty four, however, is an interesting place to be. You're (usually) past the stupid college years. You are looking at the beginning of your adult life, which for most of us will be the longest stage before the grave. Being someone who loves birthdays so much, I have never really felt a difference between the ages - with the exception of my 21st birthday, which I only remember about eleven months of that year, but that's different. That was until this year. A week after turning twenty four, I have felt a shift, an awareness if you will, that caused me to take stock of where I'm at right now.

1. You're officially in your mid-twenties.
   By this time, you're not a "young adult." You're just a plain ol' adult. You don't get to use the excuses that you could when you were 23, because you've moved into the next age demographic. Say good bye to the days of staying out til 2am on week nights and of financial irresponsibility. You're a real adult now.
2. Everyone and their mom is getting married.
   Seriously. This is the norm now. The race to the ring is ON. This summer I have 6 weddings that I will be attending. And yes, there are more happening that I'm unable to attend. The weddings at this stage aren't even the shot-gun wedding types, these people are actually wanting to spend their lives together. On purpose.
3. Or having kids.
   On purpose. These married friends are having babies. There aren't nearly as many "accidents" at this stage. I heard a friend say the other day that she and her husband were starting to think about 'trying'. My ovaries cringed.
4. You start thinking about whether or not you will want kids.
   When you're surrounded by children, it's inevitable that the thought of having kids will pop through your head. Whether it's a hard pass or baby fever will probably depend on the children you're around, and the parents you're around for that matter. Despite what side of the argument you're on, it's something you begin to genuinely look at.
5. You're old enough to have friends getting divorced.
   That was a trippy moment. Up until this point in my life, the only divorces I saw were parents of friends, and older connections. These people are my age and they are getting divorced. It breaks my heart but it's part of life.
6. You're old enough to realize how much it costs to be an adult.
   Unless you are extremely lucky, you're probably paying for all (or most) of your own life. You pay your rent. You buy your groceries. You have bills. You pay for the visit when you go to the doctor. You don't get free stuff as often as when you were in college. Being an adult is expensive, even if you're a cheap date.
7. You don't like asking for help for fear of being seen as incapable.
   Like I said on #1, you're an actual adult now. Asking for help is hard when you feel like you're supposed to have your shit together. Reality is that you should be able to ask for help at any stage in your life. The ability to ask for help is a wildly undervalued characteristic that shows vulnerability and self-realization. And if you don't ask for help, situations can get immensely harder.
8. Dating has more pressure.
   Because of the insane amount of weddings at this stage in life, people feel pressured to be finding "the one." They feel like they need to be on the same timeline which puts an asinine amount of tension on relationships. I had a friend tell me the other day that she was going to be alone forever because she was single at 25. Bitch, please. Get yourself off of the wedding fever train. Enjoy your partner. And if you don't have a partner, nothing says desperate like assuming every person you meet is a potential husband or wife.
9. You're beginning your career... or still looking to fall into one.
   At twenty four, there's a good chance that you're working one or more jobs, equaling a full-time schedule. If you haven't landed a "big-kid job" that okay, but the reality is that you're probably looking for one. If you have landed one, the reality is that you're probably trying to figure out if this could be something you do for a long time. You're looking long term. Do you want to be a server for the next 40 years? Do you want to be an accountant for the next 40 years? You will spend more time working than any other activity in your life. This is a big thought for 24-year-olds.
10. You start thinking about big purchases.
    A home. A couch. A car. A bedroom set... and no I don't mean lingerie. These big purchases start popping up. Gone are the days where a card-board box houses your extra blankets in the living room. The financial responsibility to provide for yourself (and possibly others) shows up in big ways on your credit card statement.
11. Benefits are a godsend.
    You don't have the crappy student health center of your college years. You get excited to see how much money your benefits covered when you go to visit the doctor. You are more aware of your health and how much your lack of health costs you.
12. A late bedtime is 11:30pm.
    Sure, you'll break this bedtime on occasion. Birthdays, Girls Nights, Man-Dates. But you will FEEL IT the next day. Anything less than 8 hours is definitely less than ideal. A sleep hangover is a real thing and they are rough, especially when you have to work early the next morning. It will leave you wondering, "How did I do this so often in college?!"
13. You start finding your "types."
    Types of friends, types of romantic partners, types of activities you prefer, types of places you like best. At this point in life, you are allowed to be choosy. You've gone to that dance club where you feel totally out of place. You've dated people who didn't work out. You've decided that hiking is your thing and rock climbing isn't. At twenty four, you're allowed to start picking the types that you like, more than the types that you've put up with.
14. You have your first "I feel old" moments.
    The little kids that you babysat are graduating high school. Your favorite song from middle school is on the oldies station. There are kids that don't know who the Spice Girls are and never played with a Tamogachi, let alone know how stressful it was to care for one. I kid you not, listening to the radio a couple days ago, there was a commercial that said, "Justin Timberlake, who started as one of the members N'Sync..." I was like, duh Justin was in N'Sync, but then I realized that there are kids who don't know the goodness of Bye, Bye, Bye...
15. You start to look at quality.
    You might not necessarily make decisions based on quality, but at least you are becoming aware of the fact that the dress you bought from Forever 21 will probably fall apart after three washes. This goes for other things too; friendships, clothing, furniture and so many other things. 
16. The hip new celebrities are younger than you.
    Sam Smith is two years younger than me. I'm ten years older than most Disney stars. Weird. 
17. Can I still pretend I'm a stupid college kid?
    College was hard, but it was a whole different battlefield than adulthood. We got to pretend to be adults, without actually having the true responsibility. Get a bad test grade? That's okay, you can just pass/fail the class. Get to drunk at a party? Skip class the next day! Our pseudo-responsibility was a key step to getting here, but the adult world is far less forgiving. Amazing, and worth it, but you have to work ten times harder. 
18. No matter what tough stuff is going on, there will always be someone from high school that makes you feel better about your life.
    I'm not making money by dressing up as a Disney princess. That is all. 
19. College Loans are worse than the devil.
    Sure, we all know college is expensive but you forget about that until your 6-month grace period is over and you see all those zeros behind the comma and, if you're anything like me, you have an instant panic attack. Paying them back is hard. And we may never finish, but at least we got a great education right? ...
20. You want friendship that are more than just drinking buddies.
    Happy hours are great and going out on a Saturday night is fun, but you know what is even better?! Brunch dates, where you talk about how crazy your coworker is, or how your girlfriend did the most ridiculous thing on her first date last week. People that you can do life with become extremely important. And you can still take shots on occasion. 
21. A night in is just as exciting as a night out.
    Netflix is my boyfriend. We're pretty serious. Plus, on a night in, pants are optional. 
22. I don't know how (insert name here) can still party like that...
    We all have those friends that can still drink a whole fifth in a night. I don't know how they haven't lost their jobs, but after college, we like to call that alcoholism. 
23. "Me-Time" is an actual thing.
    I love my friends. I love my roommate. I love my coworkers. And guess who else I love? Myself. Whether it's lifting at the gym for an hour or sleeping in a bit later, I have been awakened to the idea of self-care. And I love it. 
24. You realize how off you are compared to where you thought you'd be at 24...
    I realized the other day that around this time, five years ago, I had a guy ask me where I wanted to be in five years (while I was on a date). My 19 year old self said that I wanted to be done with school and hopefully in a serious relationship, on my way to getting married around 24-25 years old. I wanted to be successfully involved in a wedding planning career moving towards being a top coordinator. I wanted to be living in downtown Portland, or another big city, and if have a dog. 
    Literally, none of those things are happening in my life at 24. And that's not a bad thing. I am starting in a successful career path with a company that inspires me. I'm single. I don't have a dog. I live in Portland, but not downtown because I'm not stupidly rich. And I'm happier than I have been in a long time. 

Twenty four has been a whirlwind already and it's only been a week. It's exciting and terrifying to be a full-fledged adult, but it's also inspiring, and challenging to be the best darn adult I can be. 

I'm gonna go adult now. 

Did I miss any?! Comment below for any thoughts that come up in your mid-twenties!

I went home alone.

Last night, I left the bar alone.

I said goodnight to my friends and left the bar by myself.

Last night, I went out with a group of friends from college; both men and women, ZERO couples. Do you know how rare that is in a group of 20-somethings? And here's the kicker. There were zero couples AND no one was sleeping together. It was amazing. It was a group of friends going out to have a good time, and dammit, we had a good freakin' time. BUT, I swear it was single's awareness night because the amount of slow songs was off the chart. We all had our eyes peeled for the cutest guy or girl to walk by our little booth in the back of the bar.

I walked myself to my car and got in. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I got interested looks from a couple guys throughout the night, but none of them made an effort to come say hello. I was perfectly fine with that. In my camo t-shirt and shorts, I was not screaming, "pay attention to me!!" from the top of a skyscraper, unlike the girl in the skintight elastic black jeans and a flowy blouse that could better be described as a bra with sleeves. I danced a couple partner dances with some of my guy friends and danced a couple songs with a guy I'd never met. He was cute. He was just learning, so I helped him with a couple songs and then we parted ways with big smiles on our faces. Nothing more, nothing less.

I drove myself home, alone, singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs.

Last night, I watched as couples interacted. You could tell the first dates. You could tell the long-term couples. You could tell the pair standing at the bar railing who had never met before tonight. I love watching these couples, regardless of the stage in their relationship. Some people get really annoyed when they are single and surrounded by couples. I, however, am on the opposite end of the spectrum. I love seeing the look in her eyes when he spins her on the dance floor. I love seeing him grin sheepishly when she shimmies his way during a line dance. It's fun to see the relationships as a completely uninvolved third party. Sure, they could have their struggles, but tonight, while they're dancing, or sitting at the bar, or whatever, they're in the moment. Enjoying the company of someone who has caught their eye.

I walked into an empty apartment, all the lights out, and got ready for bed by myself.

Last night, I had multiple instances where thoughts came into my head like, "I kind of wish that was me, so happy with my partner," or "look at how cute they are together," or sometimes, "gross... get a room people." But the truth was that I planned on going home alone. I could have gotten up the balls to approach one of the cute guys standing on the sidelines of the dance floor. I could have pulled out the "Flirty Me" side that exudes coy sarcasm and self-proclaimed quick wit. But I was too busy enjoying my evening. You'd think it would make me sad to see all the slow-dancing couples, paired off in twos, while I sat in a groups of ones. It didn't.

I put my pajamas on and crawled into bed. Alone. I was smiling.

Last night, I snuggled under my Ikea comforter and counted my blessings for good friendships, lots of laughs and an evening of dancing my heart out. I also counted my blessings that I was home alone. Why? Because I would rather be at home, sprawled out starfish style in my full-sized bed, all by myself, than share my bed with someone who didn't want to be here for the right reasons. Sure, you can find someone to fill the vacant side of your bed. It's not that hard. But when you're lying next to someone who does not truly and deeply care about the side of the bed that you occupy, what's the point?

I left the bar alone, and I will do so until I have someone that makes me want to leave the bar with him by my side.

Learning to say No.

No. Two letters. One word. A whole sentence. An infinite amount of power.

You know that part of the movie in "27 Dresses" where Katherine Heigl has to practice saying "No" to James Marsden?

If the answer is no (tee hee)...

You're welcome.

Yeah, that's me. The girl who's not very good at saying no. Let's not dive into how many ways I resemble Katherine Heigl from this movie (amount of weddings I've been in, obsessed with my calendar, slightly a control freak... but we won't go into that), but let's focus on that one similarity.

If you're like me, you enjoy making people happy. And if you're also like me, you also like to spread your time between all of your passions, your friends, and your hobbies. And your job. That's important too. Between keeping up with social graces, and working full time, I find myself leaving the apartment at 7:00am and getting home at 8:30pm or later.

Let's get a couple of things straight right off the bat... I truly enjoy the things that fill my day. I love my job. I love going to the gym and working out, whether it's lifting, running or Zumba. On my weekends, I LOVE going out dancing, or having girl's night at the Comedy Club. My schedule is filled with amazing experiences and people. Also, I am not the type of girl who can hang out with the same person every single day. I will want to kill that person, and not because of anything he/she is doing, but because I need a variety of people to interact with, as well as solitude. I'm incredibly independent, so I like having the option to move from friend group to friend group. This character trait of mine is not stated to sound offensive, but solely for the fact that I love all of the people in my life and want to divvy up my time between multiple people that are very near and dear to my heart.

While the days are packed with wonderful things, I find that I cannot keep up. It's funny because I keep reading these articles about how the average person needs 8-10 hours of sleep, and I keep seeing these fabulous Thought Catalog articles saying that When you graduate college/When you hit your mid twenties/When you get your shit together, you start ACTUALLY getting the full recommended amount of sleep.

HA!

I graduated college, I'm about to hit my mid-twenties, I'm living the healthiest lifestyle I've EVER led....

And I get about 5-6 hours of sleep every night.

Why is that, you may ask? Because I cannot say "No."

It's an interesting problem to have. I enjoy all of the things that I do (for the most part), but when I find myself being consistently booked out two to three weeks in advanced, I struggle to keep up with everyday life. I can say with absolute certainty that I haven't been fully caught up with laundry since the beginning of January. IT'S APRIL PEOPLE! I'm a "Live Life Load-to-Load" kind of girl.

My issue with saying "No" is that I truly WANT to be doing all of these things. I love my friends. I love staying busy. I love having fun new experiences. However, I don't love being constantly exhausted. I think my issue is that I'm compensating. I'm compensating for the time I lost when I first moved to Portland. I was so lonely and the only people I wanted to be with were not within hang-out distance. My friends and boyfriend lived in other towns, so the result was an over-worked, under-socialized Sarah. Now that I have acclimated my self and my social life to the Portland Metro area, I have been trying to make up for lost time.

So, how to you draw the line of doing everything you want, while still maintaining self-care and balance? How do I fix this? I would LOVE to have James Marsden help me practice saying "No," (I mean, he is super delicious and I'm pretty sure we'd fall in love... just saying...) but that might not be the most realistic plan.

Here's what I'm going to do. I plan on setting "Alone Time" at least once a week. This alone time can be catching up on Netflix, doing my laundry, getting a pedicure all by myself, sitting and reading... or even sitting and doing nothing. I will set this time on my calendar. My "No Fly Zone." And for at least three hours. Three hours of laying low is the least I can do in terms of self care.

I also want to incorporate one of my No End in Sight "New Year's Demands". I want to plan date nights for myself. Date nights that can be done alone. It could be going for a walk in the park, or going to a movie, or taking myself out for dinner. Every other week. And yes that means that I can skip the gym occasionally to make this happen. (OH THE HORROR!!)

And lastly, I'm going to go down to the Library. I'm going to find a book. And Damnit, I'm gonna read it.

Saying "No" isn't meant to be an insult. Sometimes, by saying no, I am doing us both a favor. No one wants a run-down, lame, exhausted Sarah, and by letting myself draw some composure, it will make our next time together more fun. Saying "No" is going to be a positive, even if some people's feelings get hurt. I'm going to throw out this disclaimer: I struggled writing this post because of three reasons. I didn't want to come off like I'm complaining (this IS No End In Sight, the blog about how to stay positive). I didn't want to sound pretentious, like "Look at all of this fun stuff I'm doing." And I also didn't want it to sound like I am sick of anyone or anything in particular.

I wanted it to be about how I can find balance. And balancing it will be.

A letter to ALL of my Exs.

If you're like me, you have a lot of Ex's...

• Ex Roommates
• Ex Best Friends
• Ex Boyfriends/Girlfriends

These ex's are ex's for a reason. And that reason is that something didn't quite work. Maybe it was a small thing, maybe it was just the effects of time, and maybe it was a BIG FREAKIN' DEAL.

Whatever it was, we move on. We find a new roommate (or decide to live alone). We make new friends. We start dating other people. We find people to fill those voids, and maybe they aren't filled entirely, but the placeholders are no longer empty.

Regardless of why they are no longer involved in your life, you learn a lot from the experiences you gain from these people. If you could write a letter to your ex's, what would you say?

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Dear Ex,

First of all, I want you to know one thing. 

I AM HAPPY. And I am happy because of you. Not in the way you might think, but you are one of the reasons I am happy. You helped me get here and for that, I thank you. I learned a lot from our time together, which in turn, brought me to the woman I have become.

You taught me about conflict. 

Whether it was a conflict about who's turn it was to do the dishes, or about why you wouldn't tell me certain things, I learned what complicated conflict looked like. Sure, the dishes were an easy conflict to resolve, but maybe the dishes weren't the actual issue. Maybe you were frustrated that I didn't invite you to an activity and that pile of plates in the sink was an easy release. Maybe you weren't telling me the entirety of a story because you still couldn't accept the truth of the situation. Regardless of what the conflict was, I learned how to spot it, how to address it (not perfectly by any means), and how to move on from it with a shaky, but respectful heart.

You taught me (and am still learning) how to communicate. 

...through trial and error. Believe it or not, ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. (But wouldn't that be nice?!) Bringing up issues can be really awkward, and I'm still not good at it, even if I'm a Communication major. However, stumbling our way through the uncomfortable chats about your emotionally abusive boyfriend, or about your ex-girlfriend who was threatening to punch me in the face made us stronger at that moment. I still have so much work to do on this topic, but I'm thankful that you helped grow me as a compassionate communicator.

You taught me what I should expect from a partner (be it romantic or platonic). 

There were times when you treated me fabulously. If there hadn't been good times, we would not have been friends/roommates/romantic partners. I loved when we would dance in our PJ's in the front room to OneDirection. I loved that you surprised me by coming to visit me for the weekend, when I thought you were working. I loved that we drove your dad's Mustang on that spring day to go get Frappachino's when the sun finally decided to come out. Those good times helped create my list of requirements when looking for a friend, a boyfriend or a roommate. Even if we ended, the good moments have helped shape what I desire in my relationships.

You taught me how to trust. 

I cried to you. I told you some of my most hidden fears. I leaned on you when I couldn't hold myself up. You supported me in the good times and in the bad. I learned to put stock in another person and that was an incredible lesson to learn. But...

I had to learn how to bounce back from failed trust. 

You hurt me sometimes. Cheating. Gossiping. Rumors. At times in my life, you absolutely broke me. But you know what the amazing part is?! I haven't stopped trusting. Just because you betrayed my friendship, it doesn't mean that I will never trust a friend again! Just because you broke my heart, it doesn't mean that I will never love again. You cannot ruin me. I am stronger than that.

You taught me to trust my intuition. 

You know that time when I found inappropriate photos of another woman on your phone? Yeah, I trusted my intuition and confronted you on that. I knew something was up, and they weren't just old photos of an ex-girlfriend. You know when you stopped texting me when a certain someone was around? I should have listened to my gut at that time, and I learned that my intuition isn't usually making things up. I am learning to trust myself when a situation makes me uncomfortable.

I taught myself how to be alone.

Yep, you heard me. I don't mind sleeping by myself. I get the whole freaking bed! I don't mind showing up to the group activity without my bestie in tow. I don't mind spending a Tuesday night blogging. I learned that I'd rather be in the company of an incredibly strong, creative and hilarious woman (MYSELF, obvs) than be with someone who is constantly belittling me or making me feel inadequate.

You taught me how to stand up for myself. 

When someone tells me that I'm too fat, or that I'm overreacting, or that I shouldn't feel a certain way, I know that I deserve better and you can damn well bet I will stand up for myself. I learned that if anyone is going to put me down, it's my responsibility to bring myself back up.

I learned how to fight graciously. 

We're obviously not close any more. If it wasn't just the ebb and flow of time that brought us to where we are, we probably got in a fight. I have not held myself together perfectly in every fight, but through these issues, I learned how to compose myself in a way that cannot be used to talk ill of me when the fight is over. At times, I didn't really execute the fights in a way that would exemplify said grace, but hindsight has taught me a lot about how to conduct myself and I feel like I have learned how to get in a fight, while trying my best to stay civil. Even when I didn't feel like you deserved civility.

I learned how to love myself.

You broke my heart. You turned friends against me. You took me down. You made stabs that had lasting impact. You said things that I am still trying to forget. But you know what? I love myself. It took work, and it took a lot of faking it, but I got there. It's a constant learning opportunity because some days my pants are too tight, and some days I still feel anger toward you, and some days, I really hope you stub your toe or hit your funny bone (because I would never wish anything serious upon you, but those things are harmless, painful and/or annoying). But on those days where I falter, I still remember how much I've learned and how far I've come. For some stupid cliche analogy, I'm a traveler down the road of life, and I've stopped plenty of places, but I'm having a killer time on this wild adventure.

So thank you. Thank you for screwing me over. Thank you for making me cry. Thank you for leaving your bicycle in the middle of the living room. Thank you for pushing me to be stronger, better, more loving, and all around more bad-ass.

Cheers, my dear Ex. 

Life's a bitch, but as the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt says, a bitch is the mother of cute puppies, so that's pretty much a compliment. 

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Best Friend/Ex-Roommate/ Ex-Girlfriend