You'll Thank Me Later; A Letter From My Future Self

I obviously can't get a letter from my future self but if I could, I feel like this is what it would say…..

Dear Sarah,

Today was one of those funky mood days, wasn't it? One of those days that you feel so off and your anxiety kicks in and you don't really want to be around people… that was today, wasn't it? Those ones are the worst because you just feel crappy today, for no reason, but it doesn't mean it's is a bad day. It's just weird. But that's okay. You'll have a lot of those. You know why? Because you're human. Odds are that tomorrow will be really amazing, but on days like this, you need a pep-talk from someone who knows you well, so why can't today's chat be from yourself in future form? So here goes nothing...

You're doing great. Really. You are. It might not feel like it right now, when you have $12 in your wallet and you REALLY want to go shopping as a nice therapeutic day of relaxation. It might not feel like it because you're discouraged with this phase and just want to move on to the next one. But believe me, you're really doing great. You haven't given up and realistically, you won't because that's just not who you are. You keep working hard and that helps you in every aspect of your life.

Speaking of hark work, do you know how much your hard work pays off? I'll give you a hint, it REALLY pays off. When you're me (aka you in the future) sitting at home one night, realizing how far you've come, you'll think back to busting your ass at school, working those long days of multiple jobs just to scrape up enough to pay rent AND your occasional breakfast sandwich. As Dad always says, "If it was easy, everyone could do it." Easy does not make you appreciate how far you've come. Despite how difficult it is, success will taste so much sweeter when you know that every ounce of blood, sweat and tears (we both know that there has been all three…) moved you closer to your goal.

Use your frustration to fuel your success. Sure, your social life is practically nonexistent, you work hard while feeling that you have a hard time getting respect from those around you with power, and your paycheck couldn't even support a high school gaming nerd's video game collection, BUT the frustration you feel now is teaching you the value of money, perseverance, rest, and respect towards others. It will make you a better employee, business owner, friend, wife and mother.

It gets easier... and then harder again, and then easier again, and on and on… That's the ironic beauty of life. Just when you make it to the point where you don't know if you can keep going, it lets up a bit. And then life is all unicorns and rainbows. But then you're waking up every two hours to feed a newborn and you're crying more than the baby because it's really freaking hard to be a parent. And then you finally open the business you've been dreaming of for years, but you're back to pinching pennies and making ends meet. Life is all about the ups and downs. The ups fill your fuel tank to help you cruise through the downs. But you never do so alone because...

You are so loved. When you look back on these days, you will be able to name a LONG list of people who supported you, prayed for you, walked with you, carried you and inspired you to make it through these days when you feel discouraged. Those people are the reason you can say that you made it.

It will all be worth it. You'll thank me later. The tough times come in waves but think of how many times in your life you can look back on, saying, "Thank God I did that because if I didn't I wouldn't have done/gotten/met…" You can SO do this. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. I know this because I'm hear to tell you that you DID it. We did it. So keep doing it. You've got this babe.

You've totally got this.

Love,
Future You.

The State of the Sarah Address: Why 25 was the weirdest year of my life

“There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it.” — Judith McNaught, Remember When


If there could be a quote that would sum up my year of 25-ness, it would be that one. My 25th year turned everything upside down; it threw me curveballs; it brought great anxiety and great joy; it brought a new city, a new community and new relationships. 25 was a wild ride (which is ironically the name of my favorite brewery, discovered in my 25th year).

I remember when 25 seemed old. I had such a different view of where I'd be at this point in my life, but as it is with so many things, God had other plans for the big 2-5. And it got a little weird. But goodness, was it a great year.

So why was this year so weird?! Let me sum up my 25th year in five little points...

1. I left my comfy, well-paying desk job... to plant a church....200 miles away.
"Oh how fulfilling!" is probably along the lines of what's going through your head as you read the first reason, and you're completely right. This was one of the most unexpected, challenging, amazing things I've ever been associated with. (For more on how I ended up with the church plant, read THIS...aka click that link...it's not a trap I swear...) After the excitement of moving to Bend and all that accompanied it, I realized that planting a church is not easy, and I was one of the ones who had it easiest. It involved planning and, dare I say it, actually going to church every weekend! This was made even harder by the fact that I was working an hourly, minimum wage job so shifts were necessary and oftentimes conflicting with church events. This life change was huge and brought lots of big questions, which lead to the next point...

2. I decided to change careers and go back to school.
Again, "How fulfilling!" and again you'd be right, but definitely weird. Going from the career world back to school was a tough transition. I had already finished the school phase, hadn't I? I earned my bachelor's degree four years ago and here I am, back in a career/trade school, working my butt off for round two. The transition was HARD, especially working and going to school, but I have found a career path that I truly love and look forward to. I'm finishing my first quarter of a century knowing that I have found a career that will bring me great joy.

3. Relationships. Nuff said.
We can take this one of two ways... Let's start with Platonic.
Friendships have been even more crucial in year 25. I have lost some, gained some, learned more about some, lessened ties with some and everything in between. All I can say is that if it hadn't been for my friendships this year, I would not have made it. Whether it was online friendships with people I've never met, friends that moved to Bend at a similar time, people who have known me my whole life or a new buddy I prayed with at church, the constant and inspiring show of friendship has been my life raft this year and for that, I thank you.

And now for the other way. I'd be leaving out a HUGE part of my 25th year if I didn't brag on my super duper boyfriend for a sec. We've hiked and adventured together, survived long-distance (which I hope we never have to do again), watched countless movies/tv shows, and laughed at all of the weird voices we both make on a regular basis. He'd probably be super embarrassed if he knew I was gushing about him on social media but that is one of the many wonderful things about dating me, so tough it out big guy! I am constantly amazed and grateful for how happy he makes me and without Mr. Isaac, 25 would have looked incredibly different.

4. I had to stop planning ahead.... as far.
Before I moved to Central Oregon, I could tell you my schedule three to six weeks in advanced and 9.5 out of 10 times, I'd be right. I planned ahead like a mildly crazy person. I had gym time, friend time, church time, and roomie time. I was consistent. But after my move over the mountains, all hell broke loose in my planner. I would get my schedule sometimes as short as two days in advance of my upcoming work week. That meant very little time for planning trips, visits, coffee dates, etc. That was the hardest change in year 25; spontaneity became a little more known to this girl. It's funny though because when I say spontaneity,  I mean I planned it two days ahead instead of two weeks or two months in advance. If you ask most people, my boyfriend included, that doesn't count, but I definitely count it. This lack of ability to get my calendar locked down meant that I needed to be more flexible... something I definitely needed help with. I still plan things in advance, but I have learned that consistency isn't the ONLY way, and that it's okay.

5. I appreciate getting a little bit older.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still a youngster in my mid twenties, but as my first 25 years are wrapping up, I am realizing how far I have come. As one of my younger co-workers pointed out the other day, my prom dress is 10 years old this year. I have friendships that have lasted 20+ years. I don't get carded at every single restaurant anymore... just most of them. I don't party that hard, or stay up super late or get tangled in silly drama like I did at the beginning of my 20's. I have learned so much in the first half of this decade. As silly as it sometimes sounds, I'm glad to be passed a lot of those little things, while still looking forward to what this phase has to offer. I guess I'm appreciating my very minute bits of wisdom that the first 25 years of my life have offered.

For those that know me, you know I'm a big sentimental sap so when I look back on year #25, I get a little misty eyed with some warm and fuzzies. Twenty five was weird. It knocked my pride down a lot. It taught me to ask for help. It taught me how to fall in love again with the best man I could have asked for. It taught me that friends will sometimes let you down, but they pick you up more often than not. I learned that I am growing SO much through this phase, but it has absolutely been for the better.

As one of my great hero's, J.K. Rowling, once said, "The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks mean that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I have ever earned."

So cheers to the next twenty five years on this spinning blue planet. Embrace the weirdness of your year.

Read this when I'm being a Sh*tty Friend.

First of all, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that you were prompted to read this. I'm sorry this is even something I have to write. I'm sorry that there were multiple people and reasons that inspired me to write this apology. I'm sorry that your feelings have been hurt, or that you've felt neglected, or that I've blown off our coffee dates, or that I've had to reschedule 90,000 times.

I am TRULY sorry.

I could make up excuses about why I've forgotten things or why I don't respond to your texts, but the truth is, I'm barely staying above water.

I know we all have our mountains and that maybe mine seem small in your eyes but in the midst of all the chaos, life is challenging my strength. I absolutely love that you rely on me for support, encouragement and pep talks, but right now, I am having to love, support, encourage and pep talk myself. Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep myself rolling through the next wave of life. They say that you can't pour from an empty cup, so I'm trying to keep a little bit in my own glass.

And it is HARD.

I WANT to pour into you. I am a person rooted in relationship and this phase of life is challenging the heck out of me. I MISS my friendships. I want to be the person you run to, laugh with, cry with and call when you need someone to listen. I want to hug you and tell you it's okay. I want to go out for drinks on a whim. I want to have more available time. I want to spontaneously call you up to go shopping. I want to go back to when we had so much less to worry about and it kills me that I am unable to do this for you right now. But sometimes I need your help floating too.

See, that is why friendship is so crucial. We need to lean on each other through the tough stuff, not carry each other when it gets hard. It takes equal support, compromise, and selfless understanding. So maybe that's an encouraging text throughout the week. Maybe that's sending a calendar invite for breakfast once a month. Maybe it's scheduling a phone or FaceTime date in the morning before work. Whatever it is, I am going to need your help making it work.

So while I might be a crappy friend right now, please know that it is not because I don't love you. It's not because I'd rather be doing other things instead of  investing in our friendship. It's not because my boyfriend moved to town (we barely get to see each other too!) It's not that I'm avoiding your calls or ignoring your invitations or the worst one I've heard lately, replacing you. None of this is true.

 I love you. Your friendship means the world to me. But here I am, just barely floating. Please bear with me through this phase. When we make it through to the other side of this speed bump, our friendship will be stronger because you didn't give up on me when I was being a shitty friend.

Love and Brain Surgery

Falling in love is scary, but you know what's even more scary? Brain surgery. 

You're probably thinking, "Wow, that sure escalated quickly!" And you're right. It did. But that's how I felt today when I left my boyfriend's house, just days before his dad's sixth brain surgery. 

When you realize that you are falling for someone, an entire multitude of emotions come rushing into your thoughts. First, there's the exciting realization of how you feel. You become aware of that bubbling feeling in your chest. No wonder they call it butterflies. this excitement is followed by the analysis stage. Does he feel the same way? Is he wondering if I love him? Do I tell him? Do I wait for him to tell me? Then there's the fear, and if you're anything like me, this is the one that takes over more often than the dancing in your heart.  What if he doesn't? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if it scares him off? 

We live in a world where we are overly concerned with a fear of getting hurt, which in my opinion is ultimately the fear of being unloveable. With hookup culture and instant gratification, we are scared of long-term commitments and developing feelings because those increase our chances of getting hurt. It's the fear that we will be left alone at the end of the day with a broken heart. 

***

When my boyfriend and I first started texting back and forth, it came up in conversation that his dad was sick. He had a rare form of brain cancer that he had been fighting for over 8 years. I had never been around anyone with cancer. Not closely at least. 

Watching his family handle the ups and downs, from a newcomers perspective, has been nothing short of inspiring. The amount of love and support that I've seen from the perimeter has taken my breath away on multiple occasions. 

But that doesn't mean that it isn't scary...

Now that I've seen small snippets into the life of a family dealing with cancer, I have learned that falling in love is still a little scary, but it's also an invaluable piece in the grand scheme of things. The fear of rejection is vastly outweighed by hearing the comforting three little words that used to scare us into a mental spiral of what-if's. The knowledge that your person is there to support you, and visa versa, is like a warm hug for your soul. 

Love is scary, but going through the hard parts of life (like brain surgery) is so much scarier if you're too afraid to fall.

The fear of vulnerability

Do you ever picture yourself as this fearless badass? I catch myself thinking about what fearless me would do all the time. If I wasn't afraid of rejection, if I wasn't afraid to tell someone how I feel, if I wasn't afraid to open up about certain things… what would I do? What would I say? Who would listen? How would they respond?

I love this version of me. She is scared of nothing. She tells people how she feels with the eloquence of a Rom-Com writer. She stands up for herself like a box-office heroine. She knows her value and is not afraid of what someone else will say or think or react. She has no fear of vulnerability, but is truly, unapologetically, herself.

Now, real-life me is not quite so fearless.

I've had my heart broken. I have been teased for my opinions. I've said the wrong things. All of these things have left a wall that can be hard to climb, not only for others, but also for myself. While the badass fearless me conquers the world, real life me has a massive fear of vulnerability.

Aside from my own fears about opening up and letting people in, our culture has deemed vulnerability as a weakness. It's as if society has decided that if you give people the opportunity to hurt you, they will. And in many ways they could be right. For example, hookup culture has decided that you can get all the benefits without getting emotionally attached. You get some action but won't get heart broken. Win-win right? But really… how often is that successful? Seriously… someone always gets attached. So then you try it again, no commitment/attachment and you won't get hurt again… and the cycle continues but the walls just get higher because you're still getting hurt. It is a downward spiral that ends with a lonely, San Quentin guarded heart.

But what if we were to channel our inner badass self? Brene Brown says "vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage."

We need courage. Courage to get hurt. Courage to say the right thing. Courage to mess up. Courage to tell someone how you feel. I want to live with vulnerability. Not without defenses but with a trust that allows vulnerability to be harbored. To open yourself up without the immediate expectation that people will hurt you. Brown also says that "vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability and authenticity." How beautiful would it be to invite those things into your life.

So cue that boom box of love songs or that power-filled symphony that plays in the background of your favorite hero's fight scene. Channel that badass self and don't be afraid to let that vulnerability into your story. Give yourself a shot to break down those walls.

Why I left my salaried desk job to wait tables in a tourist town.

I turned 25 this year. I was doing all the right things. I had a great job, amazing friends, a great church, a paid off car, money in my savings account, a 401(k). I was on track for the typical American dream. Life was perfect!

But there was an appetite that wasn't quite satiated and I didn't know what it was. Until a little voice popped into my head.

Let's rewind a bit.

In college, I became best friends with two girls. After graduation we went our separate ways but remained super close. One of my girlfriends had moved to Central Oregon, just a couple hours away. I LOVED visiting the area but even when my ex-boyfriend mentioned moving there, I always said that I could never live in the desert. It was a beautiful place to visit, but not necessarily my scene. Not enough greenery, and it was a small town. Didn't he know I was a city girl now?! Duh, obviously!

Well, funny thing about when you say never…

In January, the three of us girls united in Bend, OR for a weekend of sledding and girl time. It had been ages. We were having a blast giggling, catching up and adventuring together. As we were driving through the mountains on our way to go sledding, a little voice in the back of my head said, "You are going to move to Bend."

"Nope," I thought in response to this voice that was very clearly not my own, "I am definitely not moving here. There's lots of snow and it's a desert! A high desert but still...I can't live in the desert!"

As quickly as the conversation began, my internal dialogue with this voice was over. But how did I think of this?! Like I mentioned, this was clearly not my idea. For those that know me, my faith is a HUGE part of my life, and for those that don't know me... well… now you know. As corny and cliche as it might sound, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord was speaking to me; calling me to Bend. And I wasn't down to go.

The next day, as we ventured back to Portland, I thought about that commanding little voice in the back of my head. There was so much power to that one little statement. And SO many questions that accompanied it. We arrived back in Portland just in time for me to make it to the evening service at my home church. As I was standing there worshipping, I couldn't get the thought of how wonderful of a time I'd had in Bend that weekend. One of the associate pastors said the announcements and then our lead pastor took the stage for his message. This message was a little unique. Being the first sermon of the new year, he was speaking of the upcoming plans our church had for 2016, some of which included two new church plants that we were a part of in Vancouver, WA and …. wait for it … in Bend, OR. My heart was beating out of my chest and my eyes got all teary like they oftentimes do. If we're being honest, I don't even really remember what he was talking about in regards to the plant, but I remember distinctly saying in my head, "Okay Lord… I'm listening. I heard you yesterday and I hear you today."

 'What's a church plant?' you may be asking. Well, to put it simply, it is a group of people starting a new church. I went home and kept turning over these two experiences again and again. I had no idea what to do with these pieces, but I wanted to know more.

The next evening, I was on the phone with my mom while driving home from work, discussing the amazingly fun weekend I'd had in Bend and all of the cool people I had met. Without telling Mom about the super cool Jesus-moments I'd had, she says to me, "I don't know why, but I kept thinking over and over again about how well you would do in Bend." That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I started crying.

"Mom, I think the Lord is calling me to Bend."

***

Six months later, there was a Uhaul parked in my apartment complex's parking lot. I had quit my job, found a minimum wage serving job at a chain restaurant that I had worked for in Portland, been offered a room in my best friend's apartment with her and her boyfriend, and was packing to leave a city that had taught me more than I could have ever anticipated. My Portland family helped me load up and I was on the road.

The tears started flowing about 10 miles away from my apartment… probably not the safest thing to happen when you're driving a 15' Uhaul truck, but let's be real...they couldn't be stopped. I was doing one of the craziest things I'd ever done. I was taking a 50% pay cut. Literally. I was leaving a church family that had helped me grow in my faith ten-fold. I was saying goodbye to one of the best roommates I've ever had. I was leaving a job with some of the most inspirational and loving people I had ever met. And I was terrified.

If we're honest, I'm still a little terrified. It's been two weeks since I've moved to Bend. I had forgotten how HARD serving is. I am getting used to a new schedule. I am trying to maintain long-distance friendships while managing to grow and develop new friendships down here. It's hard. My equilibrium is off. No one likes change, and this experience has literally changed every single piece of my life. But the beauty of this crazy, terrifying, exciting, nerve-wracking, wonderful adventure is that I am following a God that loves me so much. He loves me so much that He has created a family in Bend that has made this transition SO much easier on me. He has called me to help with a church of genuine, loving, Godly people that inspire me with their faith on a daily basis without being judgmental bible-thumpers. He has used my act of faith to encourage and inspire other people to follow their adventures.

While I am terrified of this change, I'm also incredibly humbled by the support of those around me. If you have had any part in this crazy adventure I'm on, I want you to take a minute and wrap your arms around your shoulders and give yourself a big-fat-squeezey-Bueller hug. Thank you for giving me strength, for giving me words of affirmation, for giving me hugs and kleenex when I had my hot-mess moments (you know who you are…), for praying for me and this plant team and for holding my hand through a crazy new phase of my life.

God is so good you guys. He's got big plans for this church plant and I can't wait to share how He's going to use us in this city.

So today, I'll leave you with this...

"This is my command. Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord our God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9


XOXO Sarah

When the pieces ACTUALLY fit together.

Have you ever worked on a puzzle? You sit down, look at all those little pieces and have that little moment of doubt like, "How in the world am I going to make all 1,000 of these little tiny pieces fit into one picture?"

You go to start the puzzle.

In my personal experience, most people start with the edges. They've got a concrete place. A reference point. So you begin by filling in the basic outline. That's the easy part. And then when it comes time to fill in the middle, it gets harder.

You turn the puzzle piece every which way and it doesn't fit. You see a piece that seems like it's supposed to fit. It looks perfect. The shape is the same. The cuts look right. But when you go to place the piece, it's a little bit off. Or it's a lot bit off. And your heart sinks a little bit. It's even worse when you're focused in on a specific missing piece. It seems like you're never going to find the match.

Personally, puzzles drive me bonkers. They take so much time, so much focus, and so much dedication. I make it through the egde of the puzzle and then get bored, or frustrated, or distracted with the chaos of the inside. I think one of the reasons I don't like puzzles is because I'm a worrier.

I'm a worrier. A stress-er. A 'check the plan three times and then check once more before I execute the plan'-er. It's how I was wired and despite my efforts to let things go without a plan, I always develop one by go-time. So if you're anything like me, aka a Control Freak, you like having all of your ducks in a row. When those little quackers wander, or hide in the duck pond, or jump off a cliff, it drives you batty. Like legitimately causing anxiety. Your pieces aren't fitting and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it.

Do you get to this place in your life where you have the outline set, but the middle gets to you? I do. Often. I get annoyed that I'm finding all the wrong pieces; the ones that aren't fitting. Whether it's the people to spend my time with, the career, the guy to date, the car issues, the financial burdens. There are a LOT of moving pieces in life. Way more than the thousand pieces in a puzzle. Sometimes it seems like all of the pieces will never comes together.

But then when you are about to flip the puzzle table (because everyone devotes the table for a couple days, right?), you find one piece that clicks into place. Someone offers you a place to live. And then another. A friend helps replace some car parts. And then you get a job offer. And people are offering to help you move. And click... and click... and click...

Next thing you know, you have a blob of pieces floating around inside the outline of your puzzle.

When the pieces start falling together, you realize how much you can endure. The life puzzle teaches patience. It teaches you to ask for help. To work together. To stay determined. To look for the next piece. To turn the pieces a couple different ways. And to not give up.

Trust that the pieces will fit together because when they actually start fitting, you get the most beautiful picture.